Wrote the letter

Dear Bon:

My goodness. Ten pages is a lot! That is good... How did you feel after you were done?

Sometimes it is not as much about actually delivering the letter as the writing of it. Once you are done, it is really out of your hands if you send it to her. My bet is that she does read it if you decide to send it.

I remember when I was trying to establish a relationship with my mother. We had gotten into it over a $10 dividend check that I had forgotten to give her. (I was stuck delivering her mail to her for two years because she didn't change her address after she left my dad.) She had yelled at me by saying "What do you feel you owe me?" So I thought about it. I invited her out to lunch and calmly informed her that I owed her a loving, caring and supportive relationship and that is what I felt she owed me also. Her comment was "Well, then perhaps we shouldn't talk anymore..."

So, I guess what I am saying is that we never really know how another will react. I wish you much better luck than my experience. Family dynamics can be so complex and difficult to understand. If you feel comfortable sending the letter to your mother, than go for it. If you have any reservations, then hold on to it for a while and think about it.

In the meantime, if the rift continues, think about getting some help - either counseling or therapy. There may be some coping tools that will help you or you may gain some understanding of what is going on with your sister and your mother. You have been through so much, Bon, that this may be a good time to find some assistance to get through it all.

Do take care of yourself dear heart. Perhaps do some daily journaling to get your feelings out - it will help... Just know that we are all here for you during this time!

Love and Hugs from Glenda

Hey Glenda,
Yes, I feel good about writing it. I could have written 10 more pages but decided not to. I know my mother, this letter will not change her but at least I got a lot off my chest and I feel better. Now I just need the guts to the mail it.

I had written a long letter in the past to my mother as well. She read it, but didn't absorb it. Nothing changed. So what I have done since was write and not send. Journaling and re-reading it is my solace.
Hugs,
Robin

I haven't mailed it yet but I honestly feel she is not going to read it. And I know for certain it will not change her ways or thinking. I wrote the letter for me. To get my feelings out on paper. To "justify" why we are not speaking to each other.
If I send it,I wish she would just read it. At least she will see in writing what I am feeling and what I need her to know about me. I could never verbally express the letter to her without having another "major" blow up with her. I know that for sure. What do I do? Do I mail it?
I am so confused.The point of my letter is to tell her that I tried doing the best I could for her and if I didn't (or if she thinks I didn't) I'm sorry. I gave it my best whether she thinks so or not. A grown adult here, still looking for her (mother's) approval. As much as I am hurting and feeling guilty, I feel free of her and my sister. Does this make sense to you?

[This message has been edited by lalady (edited 08-21-2006).]

I think you are answering your own questions. Read your post, and then read your letter to your mother again. If writing helps you heal, and empowers you, then do it for you.

Hugs,
Robin

Robin,
You are right. I did answer my own questions but I so want her to know how much she has hurt me and how she is pushing me away from her. Guess I have to figure this out for myself.

Hi Bon:

I think that if you want your mother to know that you have done the best you can and with her best interests at heart, then it would be best to put just that into a note to her or find a card that says what you want to say... I have found, as with my mother, that she cannot admit (deny, deny) that she has ever hurt any of her children. The other half of my story is when I confronted her with her statement days later, she denied that she ever said that "we just shouldn't talk"... That was when I had it with her and we don't talk anymore!

There is a freedom that goes along with that. But there is also some concern. It makes me sad... But, when I brought up my mother in counseling, the counselor told me that some people we have to divorce ourselves from - my mother is one!!!

Name calling is unacceptable and belittling/berating another is wrong. Chances are that you will never change your mother... Take this time to care about yourself Bon. Do not stress out about sending the letter or not. Just relax and the answer will come for you... Fix yourself that cup of hot chocolate in the meanwhile...

Love and Hugs from Glenda

Thanks, Glenda
You are right,I am just going to sit on it for awhile. And now I am going to make myself a bowl of chocolate, chocolate chip ice cream and watch the Saints on tv.

I agree with you Glenda. As much as I wanted my mother to hear me, and apologize, and stop hurting me, I had to let it all go, and set boundaries. One of the hardest boundaries I ever had to set. I too don't speak to my mother anymore.
The answers will come to you dear angel, just listen to your heart and soul. Maybe even ask yourself the one question I asked myself. What will sending the letter do for YOU? Take care of Number One........You.
Hugs,
Robin

[This message has been edited by angel437 (edited 08-21-2006).]

I think that our parents sometimes want to admit their awful habit.. and it is a habit.. an addiction for them, a way for them to get us to do the things, they feel so needy about...

Both of my parents were deeply verbally abusive in the past.. when I would meet some of their friends for the first time, they would think I was a different daughter because I was so different then the picutre they had painted..

My dad a few weeks before he passed... said he didn't want to inx me.. go figure.. and just a few hours under one day of morphine, my mother sounded like the exorcist, saying, you want me to die.. you will feel guilty for the rest of your life..

You know something for the first time possessed me to grab my mother's chin and look directly into her eyes.. I said.. no way.. I don't know who is down there inside of you.. but with all that I have done to advocate and serve you for your highest good all my life, I will never ever feel guilty.. I will miss you and so much of the growing times we have shared.. but I will never feel guilty... and with that she snapped out of it bursting into tears saying, I don't know why I couldn't have loved you like you loved me all my life.. I don't know why I do these things to you.. I know that I love you so deeply and yet something possesses me to not acknowledge who yoyu really are.. she went on and on how I have always been there for others and always acted with ny heart.. so you know.. we all do the best that we can..

and one day, we become strong enough to really reclaim our lives.. taking our power back and cleaning up the old negative patters.. the addictions that have kept us from being free..because it felt comfortable and it was the only thing we knew or understood...

I hope this helps.. for we must truly do what feels right in our hearts.. doing things that make us feel balanced, loving and connected to the higher power.. for where is it that the hi8gher power.. the creator ends and we begin... we are all one...

let us know how you are making out...

you are in my thoughts and prayers

gaiul

Gail,
I replied to you here:

http://www.care-givers.com/ubb...m26/HTML/000194.html