Helllo Im very concerned about my self now due to my marriage and husbands health and mine to Im 55 yrs old and due to takingcare of Mom for ten yrs I have lost everything and nothing is set up for myself when Im older which I am now. I do worry because I do not feel I can depend on being married for its falling apart its so not normal and I do not no what to do with my mother has supposdly pd history of lung cancer which was beat and some dementa. This might sound like a pity note but Im to point do not take if it is cuz im so tired and need to get back onto the real world running out of money, nonone will help my money personally is gone, and I do not feel she is close to death though she has been in and out of hospice for two to three yrs so should I end my marriage and keeping caring and keep ditching my own health she does not think this is hard and also feels I must do this but she can be so ignorant to my husband and inconserdiate to us both, plz appreciate feed back Glenda if you read this I do not no how to send you messages thank you for responding to my needs
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Hello Sundra Ann,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. It isn't easy but you must know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, there are thousands and more of family caregivers who are finding themselves in situations like yours.
I can tell you one thing, the more your focus your thoughts on fear and lack, the more you will remain in this situation. We are not licensed to tell you what to do in terms of your husband and relationship in terms of remaining in the marriage.
I would encourage you to seek out a therapist who can assist you in making some of these big decisions.
One of the most important things is for you to focus on everything that is happening in your life for a reason. Focus on gratitude as it begins to shift your negative energy and fears into a more positive situation. In spite of where you feel you are, there are many things to be grateful for. I know this is not what you may want to hear but it is vitally important that you do so. In doing so, you will begin to find some peace and calm that can help you to make wiser, more informed decisions as to the direction you need to go in.
I do not know where you are located but there are volunteers through Faith in Action and your area on aging agencies that can assist you with providing volunteers. When your mom has been in hospice and they have sent her home, have you every spoken with a social worker, to ask if she could be placed directly into a nursing home because of your own health issues and the need for you to work? Is your mother being hospiced from home? Perhaps, you can begin by calling the social worker in the hospice program and ask her what your options are.
I do hope this helps.
Richest blessings in all you are doing.
Hello Sundra Ann:
I was listening to Dr. Phil the other day and he said something that really resonated with me so I will share it with you – he said: “Be the star of your own show!” Isn’t that a novel thought – put you first for a change… Maybe it is time to see what the options are for your mother’s care.
Regarding relationships, as you know I cared for my father for half-dozen years and never made it through that period with the boyfriend I had at the beginning. However, I don’t think we would have made it under any circumstances so, if a relationship is weak – it will not survive caregiving - that much I do know… I do hope and pray that you and your DH will find the strength to get through this time together. I know that when you go through hospice – especially as much as you have with your mother; it changes how you feel about things. It can put you in a state of worry and fear that is hard to overcome. It seems to insinuate itself into every part of your life… It may be upsetting your relationship too.
I do believe that we go through these difficult times for a reason and that, around the corner, there are blessings that come from caring for a loved one. It is just a very difficult time when you are smack-dab in it… I know that by the time I got re-situated after my father’s death, I began to address my negative tendencies and mindset. I have looked at many resources as have many others who have been caught up in the caregiving situation. Many take up meditation or yoga which I believe is very helpful, but challenging for some of us – lol! So, I started with a simple “I love myself” to start to heal. That has expanded to forgiveness (of myself first) and thankfulness. I am so sorry that I didn’t apply that simple statement to my life during the caregiving years – I think I would have been a better caregiver, girlfriend, and person.
So, especially when is not easy to think clearly, it is important to keep seeking the positive things about yourself and not beat yourself up. Worry and fear can be very bad for you so try to recognize your “scared” voice and quiet it. Reaffirm the positive things about yourself and drown out the negative every chance you get. Be vigilant and always kind and gentle to yourself.
I just got my computer back today from the repair shop. I have been going to You-Tube a lot and, as I have mentioned in the past, that is the place I go to find my therapy (and I need a lot). It does take me on some interesting journeys… Meanwhile, do take time to just breathe and relax at the very least. Write down those good qualities that you have which make you special. You are kind, thoughtful, good-hearted, caring and loving for a start… That’s what I see!
Glenda and Gail Something must be wrong with me for I cannot figure out how to send messages private or your pages,if you could explain to me I wld appreciate! I wan to thank u both for responding to my problems I post what you all say I do read and makes alot of sense have hard time at this time to apply to my life. bOTH OF YOU TAKE CARE and thank you I will write later dt feel to good
Hello Sundra Ann,
I am not sure if you are able to send private posts. I believe only the site owner and assistant.. both Glenda and myself can. The true purpose of the boards is to know that you have a safe place to vent and share. While many people do not post, they read the posts and so by posting opening and publicly others get to learn and heal from them as well...