Feeling a victim or stuck I think comes and goes if you are a caregiver. It is normal human nature to want everything running smoothly...what one has to realize is that if there is nothing we can do to change the situation we must strive our hardest to learn to live with it and make the best of it. One smile from my mother could change a bad day into a good day...Just knowing and seeing her happy changed my attitude on so many days.
I did feel "stuck" when my husband became ill. Doctors spoke in a way that made me believe my husband did not have a chance to live a lot longer. Of course, they meant "if his condition didn't improve". I gave up my lifestyle and stayed at home to care for him. God has truly blessed us in that his health "has" improved although he still needs someone here caring for him. At that time, though, I thought I was just putting my life on hold to care for him. What was the "pay-off?" It was not good. My attitude led to more and more resentment and unhappiness. Of course, my husband had too much pride to consider that he required my full-time commitment and too much pride to do everything I wanted him to do when I asked him to do it. Rather than loving me more for what I was doing (doing it with the wrong attitude), he resented my hovering and my attempts to control. Over the last two years, I have gradually learned to let go and become one-half of a partnership, the partnership that we have always had. He does what he can and I do the rest. He still makes decisions that he has always made during our marriage. It is easier on me physically and mentally. I do not feel so alone in our decisions. He has always made the major decisions about medical care but I was managing things like Dr. visits and home care in spite of his resentment. I have quit trying to make those decisions for him. We are again partners in this marriage. Nina
I recently had an epiphany about this subject. Was feeling very stuck, very depressed, very much unable to control a situation that (I realized) is beyond my control. I finally said to my husband, "I can't do this anymore. I can't control what you do or don't do, what you choose or don't choose for yourself. You have to choose the path -- and if you choose to do those things that help in your healing, I will be right beside you. But if you choose to give up on yourself and allow your disease to dictate your life, I have to remove myself from this situation. I only have control over my decisions, not yours." It was empowering! I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I think the pay off when I feel as if I am a victim or unable to get unstuck must be a chance to somehow realize that this mindset just doesn't work, it is a big energy drain and not really useful...except it does (eventually) remind me to look for the positive, to reach out for help and remember I CAN choose not to feel like this. Sometimes it is hard to do..I think there is something familiar and comfortable in allowing myself to feel this way-even tho it feels rotten...does that make sense? It is an old pattern(great example of one)and old patterns confuse us and make us forget. They make us forget how strong, good, smart, capable, lovable, or whatever it is we aren't able to remember we are. Patterns are tricky. We all have them but they are so convincing when I get stuck in one of them, which is often, I remember none of this...until I 've been stuck for a while and then I can pull myself out....Jan
The pay off for me is increased anxiety, fear, worry...living in the past and future instead of the present moment. It's easier to stay with what is familiar...worry and fear are very familiar to me. I have tried in recent years to live in the present moment...yet recent events have upset that effort. The pay off for that is a sense of aloneness and worthlessness. I lose a sense of purpose...direction. Most of all, I lose energy that I need to re-focus myself so that I am more effective at dealing with everyday issues/crises. It is very hard for me to get unstuck once that happens...so I need to learn the warning signs sooner.
I think that as we become more aware, we realize when we are getting stuck and that we have choices. EAch time we are able to cope with the stuckness faster and let go and get off it.
One of the great things Jan, is that the site offers us the opportunity to reach out when we are stuck and for others to support us to let go... Awareness is 90% of the healing process.
And Melissa, bingo, you got it ...being present in the moment. So easy to say? Yet in reality we seem to struggle so with it. But we do have choices in any given moment. Gerald Jampolsky wrote the most powerful and sweetest book, Love Is Letting Go Of Fear. For myself, when I am feeling stuck or in the victim, I choose the moment I realize I am in this victim, to open to love and to send love out and it allays the fears...
It's work on our parts to be aware and admit this to ourselves...that little voice within keeps testing us but empowering ourselves is about telling this litle voice that it has served us well all these years and that we are now taking charge...
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