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I was wondering how many hours a day I should visit with my mom at the hospital? After only a week, I am so very tired. I have major depression and anxiety problems and have been on medication for 20 years. I feel guilty when I am not there with her, yet when I am there, she appreciates nothing and even gets pretty hostile with me. When the hostility starts, I tear up, and inform her that I am leaving. And I leave. She is the last one left in my family. And I feel it is up to me. How do I take care of myself and take care of her also.........Any advice will help.

We have never had a relationship, and in fact, my upbringing was in a mentally abusive atmosphere........The other day she actually brought up out the clear blue sky a conflict we had 8 years ago where I had to leave a restaurant in tears...............the abuse continues.

How do you care for someone who hates you and always has?
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Sharon,
Oh I can so relate with you�.

I lost my siblings my 2 younger sisters and older brother over the past years at young ages 15, 31 and my baby sis she was 24 in 99�Then lost my mom in 2003.

My dad has been ill for many years but after mom died he was pretty much homebound, accepted care for his house, but expected me to pick up the slack. He made some really bad choices and started drinking; well his last drunk has made him need 24 hour care.

I remember in the hospital he thought he could go home and things would go on like usual. But for my health and sanity I had to put my foot down and say no, you need more care than I or home care can give you. He went temporarily to a nursing home, but that has now turned in to a permanent living arrangement. For the past 2 months he had hounded me about getting out and wanting to go home, which I can understand about wanting to go home, however I finally had to tell him, Dad I can no longer take care of you�Your needs are far greater than what I can or will provide.

I have 2 children and a hubby who are very supportive, but taking care of everyone over the years has left little or no time for me. I realized that if I didn�t put my foot down with him that I would eventually crash. My mom was a double amputee and could run circles around some, but she wore out taking care of this selfish man all his life. And if I had the opportunity to turn back the clock I would of stood up to him along time ago to make my moms life easier�. His choices he made over the years benefited only himself and no one else. I deal with his anger when I go see him. I was seeing him daily and now he is getting meaner every day. So I limit myself to once every 3 or 4 days. I do however keep the line of communication open with his nurses and they know the can call me and I would be there in a few minutes if need be.

I guess I finally gained the courage to stand up to this man. I too have been mentally abused over the years and I finally put my foot down. I am sad things had to turn out this way, but ultimately it was his choice by making dumb choices in his life.

I feel for you�You need to set limits with your mom., I just read your other post, take care of YOU�..Yes your mom needs you with her being so ill now , but gently and firmly tell her you can not do this alone and you want and need help.

My prayers are with you.

Sincerely,
Becky
Dear Sharon:

Luckily there are no set rules about visiting someone in the hospital. It is, however, a kind of scary place to be especially for the elderly. But - it can also be upsetting to us...

It is great that you are standing up for yourself and walking out when she is hostile to you. That is the best thing that you can do for you and for her. Hopefully, it will make her stop and think a bit. I, too, have a verbally abusive mother and thank God I don't have to take care of her (I take care of my 88-yr old father). I find it interesting that, if they want to, our hostile mothers are able to treat us nicely.

Perhaps, take this time to take a breather. She is in good hands for now. It might be good to start the day out with a visit to her in the hospital and see how she feels. If she is hostile, then remove yourself as you have been and tell her you will see her the next day when she is feeling more like having company. Let her know that this behavior is no longer acceptable. At least while she is in the hospitable, you can control the length of the visits.

Becky has said some great things in her posting. And wow, talk about the voice of experience... We all have some hard choices to make at times, but, we need to consider what is best for us also. Listen to your heart and be gentle with yourself.

Take Care, Glenda
Hi Sharon...

I'm so sorry your mom is so abusive towards you..it hurts when parents stoop to that..you are right to leave when she starts..it sounds like you are trying to mend fences by being there for her..she needs to learn to appreciate this..
My father used to be a bit "ornery" at times too and if he couldn't get his way would try to lay guilt trips on me pertaining to his health...it wasn't fun dealing with all of that because you DO worry about them, I did find though that when he had any large health crisis he was much kinder to me...deep down he knew I was doing all and anything I could to help him...actually I think it's a "people of that generation" issue..they were never as open as we seem to be now, could never seem to talk over issues..that may be why your mom lashes out at times..as your parent she sees herself as always being right.
I hope you let us know how you and your mom are doing?
Take care
PrairieGal

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