Well it's me again, only the problems are getting worse and I am getting so angry at this point and my anxiety is totally out of control.
The story now is basically this:
My dad (who will be 90 in June) puts up a fight with me over everything, although he feels justified in everything he says. He is now in total denial of his health issues, his problems with walking, his maneuvering with my mom in the apt., and the list goes on.
His physical therapist started physical therapy on his legs, because he cannot move one inch unless he uses his walker and slids his feet along the ground so slowly that I could take a nap before he gets to his destination. My mom is perfectly fine with her walker but due to her dementia, she will sit in the recliner, for instance, while my dad is struggling to maneuver his way into the apt. yelling at her to give him room. I keep telling him that mom doesn't understand what the problem is, and he doesn't get it that her dementia is slowly (thank goodness) getting worse.
Their apt. is way too cluttered for safety, and the concern for both of them falling increases for me everyday. They basically trip over each other, because each is oblivious to each other's state of mind and conditions. The physical therapist (PT) told me that in addition to the main area, he found various towels laying in the middle of the bathroom floor and it stinks of urine in their every single day. They clean the bathroom only once a day.
I am totally at a loss as to when I should take over my dad's bill paying and financial matters. Right now he is independent, but I see that his bills are all over the place and every time he needs to call someone, like his dr. or the front clerk, he wants me to call them for him.
My husband and I came up with the idea that he needs to go "up a level" in their care and then they would have at least one aide for the two of them who would pay attention to how they are doing, make a full assessment to determine exactly what type of services and then provide them. To go up a level, it costs more $ and my dad refuses to pay one extra penney for his care. I had my bro. speak to him, and it was a definite no.
At present, I have requested the VNA provide a social worker to go there once a week, see what's going on, and report back to me. I want her to tell me what needs to be done at least temporarily.
I have lost so many hours of sleep, have my own personal problems, am in the middle of selling and buying a home (due to almost having our house go into foreclosure) and my anxiety and depression are killing me already.
I decided the other day that that was it, that I can't continue to do this to myself but I do want to at least make sure they are safe and vist the drs. they choose to see. That day I was feeling so sick from my agonizing over everything, that I simply had to tell my dad that I can't continue doing what I am doing for him any more because it is making me very sick. I then disconnected the 2 phones I have, closed my blinds and briefly fell asleep. I didn't want to speak to him in the worst way, and I had this huge lump in my throat that I never quite had before. I couldn't speak, and when I did speak to my dad, I actually wrote on a post-it what I wanted to say and just read from it like a robot to him and hung up on him.
I am sorry for all the rambling but I definitely am at my wit's end. My brother asks me if he can help, but in the past, even though he is a metallurgist and so "smart", he was never able to get things done like I could. I am the resourceful one, and he won't even somehow get enough money to fly from Indianapolis to New Jersey even once to see my parents in person. He came once but my dad paid for all the expenses.
I am trying very hard to calm myself down. I see a therapist and have been on meds. for years and even began taking a stronger antianxiety med. I deserve to live my own life, and if I don't get some sort of assistance from the assisted living place, I will visit my parents once a week if possible, speak to them on the phone, and just ignore what my dad tells me. He doesn't realize how sick I am truly getting. I have to learn to say "no" when he asks me to do certain things because he has enough money to pay for extra care but refuses to use it.
I have not been working since I lost my last job last June, partially because I spent too much time on the phone with them or about them at the office. I need to be able to work with a clear head to earn some money for my husband and me, and I am having a difficult time as it is building up the courage to find this "other" job. After my move, it's on the top of my list.
If there is anyone out there that can give me any advice or insight please reply to this post. For now, I have thrown everything onto the assisted living place's lap to pick up the pieces.
