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Dear Marcel,

Merry Christmas in Heaven!!!!

I am trying to cope on our first xmas. without each other; my heart is very very heavy. I miss you more and more each day but you always told me I was a stubborn German just like my grandma so I know I will make it!!

I did something for myself today and I felt good about it.

I bought myself a potted plant in a teapot for the kitchen; I bought it as a gift from you. This has special meaning for me.

I know you are in a better place and take solice in that; but it is soooooooooooo hard to be left behind.

I am having your brother Vic over for xmas. dinner along with Roger. I promised Vic a homemade apple pie using your mom's recepie.

I will be alright; I know I am strong and will carry on.

I remember the day I married you
And the day God made yu mine
I remember the day God took you
And will til the end of time.
I lost my soul's companion
A life linked with my own
Every day I miss you
As I walk through life alone.
Amid all my tears and heatache
There's one thing that makes me glad
That you chose me to be with you
For the wonderful years we had.
God gave me the strength to face it
And the courage to bear the blow
But what it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.
I hold you close within my heart
And there you will remain
To walk with me throughout my life
Until we meet again.

Bye for now!!

Merry Christmas each and everyone of you....

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New to the group for only a few weeks. Caregiving for my Dad, lost 3 other parents, and separated from spouse of 37yrs. due to caregiving. Was able to spend 2 weeks with each other, and he smokes and it worrie me. I have friends like you who are hurting. Just to let you know "I Care", and in time my friends have gotten better. How can we know what you feel - yet your post took hold of my heart. May God give you comfort and get you through to a new "norm". Love and Prayers ......... Vickie

Thank you both for the support. I got through xmas. ok. I invited my neighbour for dinner too; his wife has been in the hospital for over a month and gravely ill but is starting to come around. She called me and she sounded so weak; I went to see her and called 911 and went to the hospital with her. She has MS and has a hard time with movement. I had a hard time with this because it brought flashbacks to me about my husband through his worst times. I am still having a hard time believing her husband went to work and left her in this critical condition; however, she coming along!!

I am having alot of down time these days; I am reliving the last days of my husband's life. He died a dreadful death of suffering; he developed viral pnemonia and antibiotics could not help him, so I sat beside him and watched him slip away from me and this earth.

He was diagnosed with cancer in 2003; and had high dose chemo along with a stem cell transplant. He had too much chemo which affected his brain so he quit eating and was starving to death; he was two weeks from death. We took him back to the cancer center by ambulance and they started him on an intravenous diet. He came out of it; that was in May, 2005. In Oct. 2006 he became critically ill again and after all the tests they told us he had three months to live.

I took care of him at home until 9 days before he died on January 30, 2006.

I even learned how to give him needles for the stem cell transplant.

I have lost so many close people these past few years that it seems I am always in the grief mode. In six years I have lost two sisters-in-law; one brother-in-law; my dad,2004; grandmother 2005; my mother; my brother; my sister in July 2006. I have one brother left.

Sometimes it becomes more than I can bear; I am getting help but I still have to travel the journey in my own way.

My oldest son, 45 yrs. old, took very ill in July of this year and he is living with me now and coming along slowly with good medical help and alot of prayers!!! He had a severe back injury and was put on morphine and became addicted so they now have him on methadone which he is slowing getting down in the dosages.

Life goes on; I hope I can!!

Anita: Please know you are so special a person, and you have suffered for so long -- I took had many losses just as you have had --- cancer losses, financial loss, abandoned by entire family ---- and now caring for my Dad --- family is so bitter ---- I have come to realize we are such a gift to our loved ones, and we all seem to get through these struggles, and we come out for the better. I pray your son will get better as that seems your lifeline! I've never had children, and some regrets ---- but even watching my Dad decline and losing all my Mom, my in-laws, sister and family bitterness -- I see a future! So - you will get better, and better. God Bless You! You endured so much pain, and it just takes time. Love & Prayers ....... Vickie

sending lots of loving hugs your way.. you know when you care for others as you have been.. you don't realize how much you give and give and become depleted.

I can't tell you not to go over the last days.. the grief process affects each of us in it's own way that will help us for our highest good. I would encourage you to make a commitment to begin living your life fully when you are up to it. These next months you can create the opportunity to reclaim your life and begin to give to yourself as you gave to your loved ones.

I have said it all over these boards.. it is much easier to give to another then give to ourselves.. this is part of the lesson, I hope we all can safely and peacefully understand so that we truly heal and live our lives to our fullest doing things that make our hearts sing and fill us with joy, peace, love and all we deserve.I would also encourage you to write daily... in a journal... write all the guilt feelings, all the fears, all the difficulties that your husband have that remain so powerfully imprinted in your mind's eye.. write it all down for it is truly cathartic...if you can write daily around the same time,you will find that your handwriting may change in the process and information can come through you that helps to heal you in ways that you may not have known could happen..

please keep us posted..

Hi Anita:

We all so want to "fix" your pain. If only we could ---- even my heart would feel such a peace to know that the suffering of others has healed ----- just to know God is our comforter and healer ---- he is with you even when you don't feel he is. I have had others to say exactly the same to me ----- you will get better ---- grieve however, whenever, do whatever it takes to feel the pain, and it will subside ------ it just will subside! Stay with this board ---- all are dealing with so much pain, and the good days come ---- hang in there! Love & Prayers ..... Vickie
Hi to all!

Thank you all for the support! I am going to be okay; started new meds recently and they are helping me cope!! I am so grateful for this, I thank God every day. I still am not out of the woods because of the depression and grief. I still may have to go to the hospital for awhile; I will find this out on Jan. 22nd. Dr. said I could use some quiet time out of my own invironment to rest; I said I would do this if it will help me.

My friend will be coming home this weekend; she is being transfered back home and will stay in the local hopital for awhile until she gets her strength back. I will go to see her here.

My son is coping fairly well; he is going to get his daughter tonite and we will have her for 9 days. She is 10 yrs. old and my ray of sunshine. She brings me alot of joy and a reason for living!! She still needs me and relies on me to be there for her. Her mother is unstable and her dad has problems so she is very close to me. My son is in the process of getting custody of her and if all goes well she will be coming to live with us in the future.

Yesterday I received my husbands medical histroy from the cancer centre. In April, 2003 he was laying on the floor and rolled over to his back and he cracked a rib. I wanted him to go to the Dr. but he was too stubborn. Cracking of the rib was the beginning of his cancer. He had over 50% cancer cells in his bone marrow; when he cracked the rib the cells released into his blood stream and that was the beginning of the end.

I am trying to use cognitive therapy these days; for every negative thought I balance it with a positive thought. It is working for me; but takes alot of determination and work, gets easier the more you do it.

I have decided to start a journal for myself. I will walk through my life with words not thoughts!!!

I do genealogy and am looking forward to starting it again; I have been asked to volunteer some of my time for the Saskatchewan Genealogy Society and hope to do this.

To Vickie:

Here is a word of wisdom from my grandma, my mentor and best friend!! God will put extra jewels in your crown for looking after your Dad.

I was with my Dad on his last days on earth. This was the most special time I had with him. My parents were divorced when I was nine and my father disappeared out of our lives. His sick time was a healing time for both of us. He even told me he "Loved Me".

Today is another day,


Thank you so much. See how you have helped me. I cried to read your message, and I just had my Dad three months ago to cry on my shoulders for the abuse, and he has never again been abusive - yet his meds cause him so many problems. It felt good to conquer my "hidden love" to have him say I'm sorry and I love you, and it was so right, yet like a little boy crying out to me and he is so afraid. If only his boys could experience this peace. You had it tough, and thanks for the message - it is words of healing for me ---- I hope you do get a chance to rest even if in the hospital ---- and your ray of sunshine is so much to live for. You'll get through this. God will provide a way.
Bless You ....... Love & Prayers .... Vickie

[This message has been edited by Vick (edited 12-29-2006).]

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