I have been experiencing a wide variety of emotions and fears centered around my husband's terminal illness'. I had a vivid dream where he died and strong feelings that I would be losing him soon. Then yesterday, Gene had a major crisis and it looked like the end was near. Miraculously, he turned the corner and has been improving by the hour. When hospice arrived expecting to see Gene in a coma he was sitting up and talking.
Throughout that day, I remained accepting and peaceful; free of fear, anxiety and tears. I arrived at this place of acceptance through a slow process of soul searching and pain until I arrived at the realization it was time to LET GO; LET GOD.
The day before Gene's crisis, I sent an email to a group of friends, all fellow caregivers for loved ones with cancer. I want to share it with you in case it helps get you through the darkest hours:
I just realized we have all come to a new level of acceptance in this Cancerland journey. Whether we hear good news or bad news, have a good day or a bad day a part of all of us recognizes where this journey is going. If not today, tomorrow, next year or ten years from now, we are bracing ourselves for the plunge. It's not that we are giving up or loosing our positive focus. We just recognize that there will be derailment at the end of the line.
Where do we go from here? I hope to an even deeper level of acceptance where it will be okay to hear the bad news. That cancer will lose it's vicious grip over us. That our love for our precious ones and our spirituality and faith, whatever form it takes for each of us, will make us victorious over cancer and fear. That we can hold our heads high and say to cancer; "You lost". You can eat away at our bodies but not our soul.
Through illness, uncertainty, pain and loss we have blossomed into a flower of victory. Our petals are intertwined with those of all our dear friends and loved ones sharing this journey of self discovery and hope. Cancer cannot take this from us and death cannot take this from us or our beloved soulmate, spouse, daughter, parent, sibling or friend.
Don't expect me to hang on to this level of understanding. But having planted the seed of hope within us, it will nurture and grow and blossom and send it's seeds forth into the universe and add more sweet to the bittersweet rollercoaster ride we are on; we are truly the chosen people. Let our tears be the rainfall to help us grow, our smiles be the sunshine to make our leaves lift towards the heavens and our depth of understanding be the nourishment to sustain life and hope.
Wishing us rainbows to our soul,
THE SOUL WOULD HAVE NO RAINBOW
IF THE EYE HAD NO TEAR