Your situation with your Dad always reminded me a little bit of mine w/ my Dad. I don't know if you read - but my Father passed away on 6/3/05. It was beautiful - if there is such a thing as a beautiful death - but I am just lost - lonely and empty - and trying to do things for my Mother is next to impossible.
As for you not doing as much for your Dad - there are several responses to that. The 1st being - if I remember correctly your Dad is now confined to his bed right???? So as they get sicker there really isn't as much to do - you are not walking w/ them - helping them up and down - my Father was only confined to his bed 6 days - but I noticed in those 6 days - what I did for him was less. Also you have in hospice - so they are doing a lot of things you may have done (ie: changing linens - bathing him - brushing teeth - etc) - I had hospice in the last 6 days and that too was handled for me. And 3rd - I am not sure about your Dad's appetitite - but Dad's really decreased at the end - so I wasn't preparing LOTS of food - or giving him 3 meals a day - cause he wouldn't eat them.
So I think that could be why you are not doing as much for your Dad - cause it isn't there to do anymore - if that makes sense........The last 6 days w/ my Father - I actually "enjoyed" the break - but wanted him to perk up. Its day 24 now - after his passing - and I feel like I had my little vacation - I am WELL ready for him to return and start doing again.
Also by your other posts - it seems like you could be depressed - just your sleeping patterns - too much/too little. You have a lot going on and to consider a move in all of this - I can't even imagine. Be kind to yourself - as you would tell all of us. Plus your Dad is probably sleeping more too - so there isn't as much time to spend with him..............
I think this is all normal. Spend some quality time with him - during his final journey home. That is what I did w/ my Father the last 6 days - we weren't doing things together 24 hours a day - but we had some good quality time and talks together - even if it was for an hour or two a day - while he was up to it - we had that....and for that I am forever grateful. The last 6 days - were not a "job" - and wasn't trying to keep up with everything - so I got that quality time in.....and said all the things I've ever wanted to say -
Hang in there Sue - its nice to see you on the boards again.....
((Sue)) Angel, your still do much for dad, however, at this stage, his needs are different, and the rest is out of your hands. You are there for him emotionally, and physically which means you are doing much still. Don't add to your load Angel, take this time to treasure these days with your father. Happy to see you on the boards friend. We have all missed you. Hugs, Robin~
Thanks Janet and Robin. I can imagine how you are feeling. I am sorry. I felt that way after my mother passed. I am glad you had that quality time with your father those last 6 days. Everytime I go into his room his pants are have down and he is soaked. With help we lift him into his wheelchair so he can sit at the table for a few. But he can't take much of that. Janet - did you know how close it was to your father's time? My father isn't perking up anymore. Yes, I keep telling my husband a move is something I can't handle right now. Not because i do not want to - but because I am not capable. But mostly, Dad I can't imagine Dad withstanding that now. To change Hospice personnel, etc. would be rough too. But it's my fault I agreed to move six months ago in the coming May, but i didn't anticipate my father being this bad when that time came. There is so much to do now, as far as meds, hospice, then the dog had to go to the emergency doc (he's okay now), bills, etc. Doing this alone is impossible. My husband and I had a spat and he sent me a text message stating 'don't call me until your packed and ready to move." I was shocked. of course we have talked, but i do not know what else to say to him except I want to move, but it's so hard right now. Robin - how are you? How are your parents and your work going? Sue
You have so much going on right now - I am still somewhat surprised and disappointed by your husband. You were your Dad's care-giver when he met & married you - he must be able to see for himself how weak your Dad is. But I think "men" sometimes just don't get it - they have blinders on not to realize the entire picture.
You asked me if I KNEW it was my Father's time. He was given a week in November - and he just kept going and going and going and going - my little energizer bunny - so did I know - hmmmmmm - I think I really lost sight of it - in those 7 extra months -I really began to think it would be like that forever - but when it was time - I KNEW - it hit me like a ton of bricks - I don't know if I actually opened my eyes and saw it - or if I had such a gut feeling - never the less - 9 days before he died - I knew it was soon - had hospice for 6 days - he almost died 1 day after I put him on hospice only to bounce back for a few more days. You will know - I can't explain how -but you will (I think) - but everyone is different - sometimes the signs are so obvious - even if you are in some form of denial - it will be a big wake up call. Plus hospice is very knowledgable with knowing when its time - and they will give you a heads up as well.
Sue I think about you often - I remember reading your daily posts - and miss them. I just felt such a bond to you - with your Dad and me with mine.
Hang in there - I know sometimes I just wanted a life back - just because it became overwhelming - I still care for my Mother - but I would give my left arm and leg and whatever other body part I could give - to have him back - Mimi said in another post - be careful what you wish for. I never wanted him to die - I just wanted to stop watching him die - if that makes any sense and for everything to be ok.
((Sue)) You have so much on you at the moment that I too agree moving dad at this stage would not be a good idea. Sorry to hear he is not doing well Angel. This stage is so hard to watch. Thank you for thinking of me. I am doing ok, work is great, but working 2 jobs now, old job asked me to help them for a bit, so I am,in school, and dad is holding his own. As I have said before, becoming another nursing home victim. Sounds terrible, but he is getting the care he needs, although I know it will never be the kind of care I gave him. The man upstairs is watching over him now. Hang in there Sue. You and your dad are in my prayers, always. Hugs, Robin~
Thank you both for your replies. Janet: I hear you loud in clear. When we are in the "moment" we just don't see things so clearly. I think abut you too often. And I miss posting. As for my husband, I should have been clearer about not moving months ago. So I guess it's partly my fault. Robin: I am glad you are doing well. You are doing the best for your Dad. I remember how you cared for him at home. Hugs t both of you. Sue
My Dear Sue I know you don't remember all the members you respond to. Your response and advise was so helpful. We want to thank you again. This is what you wrote in August 2004. (I can see you are in a difficult situation. However, you are amongst the living. I believe we all need companionship of our own capacity. I simply believe that we all deserve happiness in the short time we are here. I think listening to your heart and knowing all you have done and are doing, shows your compassion.) Sue, this was so helpful to us and I believe these words could be helpful to you. We wish you the best and know you will work your way through this Our prayers are with you Sue and Dave
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