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Hi everyone

I've been awol again - work has moved me even further away from my home and I didn't have access to most of the websites I would usually visit with the new office policies. Anyway, I'm back.

I'm in the progress of making one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I'm considering putting my mom is a home. It reached a point where I'm simply unable to care for her anymore. I'm really afraid I'll end up in hospital.

I'm found a really nice place, clean, friendly, professional, I don't have anything to say against it. Breaking the news to ma is the worst thing ever.

She is convinced she will die if she goes to a home. She threatens me with her death when the subject comes up. I'm trying so hard to get her to work with me on this, so that its a shared decision. A home is not a death camp, instead it can actually mean her doing a lot better physically and emotionally. There is also that added benefit that her burntout daughter can recover and be her daughter again.

I've been taking care of her for 8 years. I don't know my life any other way. I know very well I'll feel lost, and be lonely, and probably cry a lot too. I got to heal myself.

If she could just be a little more reasonable, and see the benefits and not only the biggest fact of leaving her home. Her being in this facility doesn't mean she never sees me - in contrast I'm very much involved. I have to be.

She doesn't understand I've run out of resources within myself, and have to look at other alternatives. She will see her needs as greater than mine, and the more she holds on the more she suffocates me. I have very little help from family or friends because of various situations. Government gives no help. Hired caregivers and nurses are too expensive. My difficulties don't seem to penetrate her thinking - somehow because I'm young I'm supposed continue coping indefinently. I'm 25, but I might as well be 60.

My proverbial bank account is empty, and she keeps trying to get her cheques honoured. I'm so exhausted I think I'll be a nerve clinic before this year is out. Please can she just understand.

Sorry - this turned into far more than intended. Obviously just needed to let this out.

Love
Asiza

May the best ye've ever seen, Be the warst ye'll ever see. May the moose ne'er lea' yer aumrie Wi' a tear-drap in his e'e. May ye aye keep hail an' hertie,Till ye're auld eneuch tae dee. May ye aye be jist as happy, As we wiss ye noo tae be.

May the best you've ever seen, Be the worst you'll ever see. May the mouse never leave your pantry With a tear-drop in his eye. May you always keep healthy and hearty Until you're old enough to die. May you always be just as happy As we wish you now to be.)

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(((Asiza)))
I really feel for you! You have done so much and at such a very young age. For you to feel so old, well, it just doesn't seem fair. Of course, it's always a blessing when a child can care for their parent, but when it comes at the expense of one's own health, well, I think that is when we have to draw the line. Sadly, some of our parents are too self involved to realize the price their children are paying.

I just wanted you to know there are those of us "out here" who understand what you are going through. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you find the strength to get yourself through this.

Warm thoughts and wishes,
Miriam
Dear Aziza:

I say ditto to what Mimi posted. Caring for an elderly parent can be one of the biggest challenges in life after all. Watching someone suffer from a progressive disease like cancer or MS is very hard and demanding. It can drain a person physically and emotionally to the point of exhaustion. It is very hard to recover from - sometimes I wonder if it is even possible...

You are young, Aziza, and you need to have a life that centers around what you want for your future - career, marriage, kids, whatever. Try not to let guilt or obligation run your life. Life is too short for regrets!

Anyhow, think about yourself and what you dream for in life! You have been through a hard period of life... It is a shame that family and friends desert those in caregiving roles when they need their support the most... Just know that we are here for you.

Hugs, Glenda



[This message has been edited by glenderella (edited 09-29-2008).]
Hi

Thank you both for your responses - and for your ready understanding.

It looks to me that I did the wrong thing by asking her if I could find a home, and then that she must come with me to make a decision, if its good or not. My intent is to take her to the place I found that I think is perfect so she can see for herself and be slightly more optimistic about it.

Instead of just taking her there under false pretenses and then presenting her with the Home. I thought that easing her into the idea would be less to swallow at one time.

My good intentions resulted in her now attempting to cry herself into a coma. She refuses, even if that means she doesn't wash or get dressed, she doesn't want to go.

I know very well it's emotional blackmail, all she sees is what she wants. She doesn't seem to get how far down I am.

I'm contemplating abandoning the whole thing because I cannot handle her tears. But then how can I watch this get worse and worse until there is no repairing it? When do her needs end and mine begin? I feel like I'm caught between a rock and hard place.

Thanks for listening
Asiza
Hi...me again.

Decided to get some professionals on my side.

I spoke to the social worker at the Home I've chosen and she suggested I get the medical certificate filled out by ma's neurologist first, then make an appointment to come see her. She will then assess my mom's needs and mine, and find a more livable solution.

The relief is enormous. Ma might be more reasonable if she sees what a doctor says about it.

Thanks for 'listening' to my sea of anxieties...

love
Asiza
Hi, Asiza.

Sorry you've reached the crossroads so many of us dread. My mother was agreeable to going to a home - and it was still stressful and traumatic for both of us. Even now, when she tells me how much better her quality of life is being around different folks than just sitting at home with me, I still have guilt about not having her here or getting to spend real quality time with her.

At the very least you need respite. Ask someone to mention this to her. We went in that it didn't have to be a forever thing, but we would give it x-many months. We did change facilities a couple of times. I feel she is getting reasonable care - not perfect, but acceptable.

I'll keep a positive thought for you today. Please let us know how it goes.

Love n hugs,
Barb


[This message has been edited by bamagirl (edited 09-30-2008).]
Hi

I've got the medical certificate back and now I'm trying to make an appointment with the social worker for tomorrow.

On the battle front with ma - its getting worse. She is now telling me that the one who needs help is me, not her. I must leave her out of it. She is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She never asked me to go work or take care of her, so it's got nothing to do with her.

My mind is numbed with pain. I know very well that she is doing everything that she can to stop this from happening. She hates change, and doing things quickly. So I've been trying to ease her into it, as of right now she is thinking about it. At the end of that think she'll still not want to leave.

I didn't want to have to make the decision for her, but it seems that's what I'm going to have to do.

I'm so upset and angry I'm shaking.
((((((Aziza)))))))

You have been on my mind for a few weeks so I wasn't surprised of your post... but was saddened by what you are going through. I truly feel your pain.

Please take some time, if even sitting in the car to breathe.. take deep breaths.. continue to pray for guidance and direction... your mother is very strong willed and has learned to manipulate you where it hurts. If you could just see yourself standing outside the picture, looking in at your mother and you.. you could appraise the situation with more clarity.

You are making a wise decision.. any individual would be rebellious at having to lose more independence by be placed into a home so this is not abnormal on her part. Perhaps the social worker could meet and talk with her. Sometimes our loved ones can listen to an outsider and understand the picture better... If your mother says, you are the one that needs help.. you can tell her that you know you do and this is one of the reasons you are making the choices you are at this time - both for your own well being s well as hers.

Hopefully, once your mother is placed, she will come to enjoy it as there will be others around for her to talk with and to socialize with.. rather than her being at home, alone all day waiting for you to come in to make her life whole and complete. Perhaps there will even be activities that she can partake in...

Know in your heart that you have the support from all of us during this difficult transition time... please keep us posted.. lots of loving hugs and energy coming in your direction angel...

gail
Thank you so much for your support, and the support from everyone else. I don't know if I would be able to get through this without coming here.

I've been trying right now to just remain calm, and ignore all her remarks.

I'm so filled with doubt, I have to tell myself over and over again that I didn't come to this conclusion on a whim, and I'm not suddenly going to get so much better and be able to handle this again. Every fibre of my being rebels when I think that maybe I should just carry on...when I know I shouldn't.

Her latest attempt is to beg me to let us go back to the way we were, and carry on as normal. She doesn't seem to understand that to maintain her 'normal' it costs me a huge amount emotionally. She believes that you have to be bedridden or an invalid to warrant a nursing home.

If I cannot cope the ways things are currently, it'll be a hopeless situation when she deteriorates even worse. She is almost completely spastic in both legs, she cannot walk even 1 meter unaided. She often needs help on and off a toilet. There is threat of choking, she's losing mobility in her left hand. When she falls at home she often has to wait hours for someone to come help her, or wait for me to come home. We struggle with bed sores, she gets no exercise, because I have to lift her legs to get them to move. More often than not I'm too tired and getting home too late to even attempt it. Staying in that house day in and day out has become her normal and now that's how she wants it to stay.

I have to wait until next week to see the social worker, I need some professional advice to back me up now because if it's just me saying it has to change ma will not stop fighting.

I know this place will do her the world of good. She can have semi-independent living, professional care whenever she needs it, outings, hobbies, interaction, physio, so much better than what she has now. And all of it in a package I can afford and still grab a chance of healing myself and taking back my life.

I've come this far, so I have to keep plodding.

Thanks again for all encouragement, it means a great deal to me.

Love
Asiza

[This message has been edited by Asiza (edited 10-02-2008).]
Aziza... I am glad I am still online... do not... please do not beat yourself up... any professional persons would support you to do as you are doing.

The greatest thing I heard you say was that she could live semi independent... that the home provides so much to keep her busy... it will be a wonderful experience for her...

Perhaps at this time you should just remain silent and not try to defend your decision.. don't try to convince her anymore as you are just using more energy up... be confident in your decision... when you no longer respond to her trying to push your buttons, she may shift... it's a lot for her to accept... she may even be frightened.. but until she actually goes there and sees it... she may not let up...see if you can get an appointment earlier or even chat for a few minutes on the phone with the social worker so that you can find out how to handle your mother better at this time... keep us posted angel...

gail
Hi

Yes, I'm backing off for now. There is too much potential for us hurting each other. I haven't been able to get hold of the social worker again, she is very busy - so I must just be patient. I've left a message to make an appointment next week. After speaking to her I'll plan the next steps, and how to handle ma in the best way I can. For now it's retreat and continue as usual.

I've asked her to write down all the questions she has and her worries about the home, and we'll go through them next week.
I think it'll be better than trying to discuss it because it's just too emotionally charged. I'll probably need to repeat alot of what I've already told her again and again until her memory keeps it (correctly).

Ma has conceded that she'll go see the place with me, but next week only. Which is what I was hoping for.

It's incredibly hard, but I have to push through.

Thank you so much for your support.
Asiza
Surprise.
When I got home last night ma was in much better spirits. She is getting used to the idea....I'm so glad the offensive, defensive thing is over now and we can work through this together.

She is already deciding what she wants to take with her, and I mustn't forget to water her plants....

It's a beautiful HOT and sunny Friday in South Africa and just maybe we're going to be okay.

Much love
Asiza
The small victory gained with ma was short lived. She is now struggling hugely with diarrea, it's been going on for days. Done all the usual things we do when it happens, but now it's just 'water'. I beginning to think that it's partly psychological. She told me again today that she doesn't want to go to the Home and it's STUPID to send her away when I'm the one that needs a break. Why don't I just go for a holiday then she can stay at the house and be happy. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on holiday and just forget that she can't do this and that for herself. Who is going to do all of that? It doesn't make sense. It's irresponsible, and pure madness.

Last night while I slept she decided to stay in the wheelchair and just let her stomach run. She was too tired to go to the toilet. I'm exhausted from cleaning and the putrid smell in the house is enough to wake the dead. To delay matters even more I haven't been able to get hold of the social worker, she was off sick for two days, and when she is at work she is always in meetings. I've left about 20 msg's for her without her calling back once. Got the GP to give a script without seeing her and the pharmacy to deliver it to the house, so maybe that will help. I'm so frustrated and tired. if someone told me right now they would take me away to some foreign place and all I had to get was my passport I would go. Maybe I'll even reach the authorities notice - missing SA woman.....

Anyway, have to carry on regardless, have tons of work to do and needs to be ready tomorrow, and more to do for Monday. Amazing how the work loads co-incides with crisis at home.

Thank you so much for being on the other side.
Much love

Some good news - finally, after writing the above is that the social worker called back. I have an appointment for the Tuesday the 14th. Ma is doing slightly better, the meds to stop the diarrea seem to be working. I've told my mother that I've made the decision to take her to the Home and she can either co-operate or not, but she is going. So it's her choice to make it easier for herself. She's angry and probably scared too, but taking it out on me ends now. I'm doing the best thing for her, and for me.

Asiza
{{{{{{aziza}}}}}} you are doing the right thing for both of you... your intuition is very good... please begin to trust in it.. As I read your post I felt the diarrhea was from nerves etc as well.. I was hoping you would just be able to practice a bit more tough love... your mom is most likely frightened as you said.. but you have done your work and researched what was available to you... I am happy to hear the social worker finally returned your call and that you have an appointment... please let us know the outcome of it.

You have put your foot down by telling your mother she was going... stick to your decision.. it is far from easy, but it is the appropriate one.. the home sounds wonderful and it will eventually be a blessing for your mom and for you..

I don't remember if we ever discussed it but how old is your mother?

My thoughts and prayers are with you.....

gail
Hi Gail

Thank you so much....today, Ma had a surprise visitor who she started telling about the Home, and how she despises it etc...to her surprise this person didn't agree with her as she hoped but instead told her that I had made a very wise decision and she would see and understand once she was there. I was thankful for their indirect support. Ma was totally deflated and quiet.

I will definintly update once I've seen the social worker. Thank you again for being there for me. There are so few people who actually understand the horrors of making this decision and then actually carrying it out.

My mom is 60 now - quite young still.

Thanks again
Asiza
Hello Asiza,

You have set everything into motion... the universe is complying.. it is all going to work out... ugh... I am the same age as your mom... it isn't easy for her being alone... not being a proper mother to you as well... hopefully, once she is placed... she will begin to feel better and perhaps then the two of you will begin to have a healthier relationship which you both deserve...

take care angel..

gail
UPDATE - Social Worker.

I went to see the social worker fully expecting to have to return with the completed application forms etc...instead she took me through them right then and there and told me there is a bed available and I should take advantage of it. SO - Ma is moving in THIS Friday morning. I can't believe how quickly things are moving now. I literally had to jump and phone people to get this to happen. A friend is driving through to take ma and myself to see the place tonight so she can see where she is going to be sleeping, and then my cousin is taking us Friday to move ma in, another friend and her mom are coming with me to help carry stuff and get ma settled. It's amazing how quickly this was managed. The hard part I thought was telling ma what was going on. As soon as I got home I tackled it and told her calming and quietly the plans for this week. She took it quite well, some tears, but overall no hysterics or tantrums. When she saw me she asked if I would take her to hospital because she's feeling so bad, and I said No - you're going to the Home, that's where you'll get the help you need. She accepted it.

I phoned around until my cell phone was burning my hand getting everything in place, and lo and behold its all working. Asked for another day off for Friday and that's fine too. Looks like the universe is complying with my every wish right now...another update to follow after tonight's visit.

Love to all!
Asiza
There isn't going to be a visit tonight...in my organising haste I forgot that I only get home from work at 18:30, I'm supposed to meet my friend at 17:30, in order to be at the Home just after 18:00. Great stuff - so that's cancelled. Ma said it doesn't matter, she'll just accept whatever is there when we go on Friday. I'm so stressed right now, I finally met my deadline and got that off my back, but now I have another one for Tuesday coming. It's so hard to focus on my work with a thousand things flying around in my mind.
Asiza.... take a deep breath... the universe is still complying... why drag your mother when she is going in two days anyway... I think it worked out perfectly... your mom's tears are for her daily losses... her loss of independency... her loss of not being there for you as a mother...

I think that once she is settled into the home... there will be support for her to process some of her emotional stuff with the social worker.. and perhaps you will be able to advocate more clearly for her and even begin to set boundaries where hopefully, she may become more motherly towards you again... if you provide this safety barrier and guide her... your mother is still very young... and you need a mother... when she is getting the assistance and her needs met regularly throughout the day, hopefully you can recreate your relationship with her.. it may even mean having a group or a series of group sessions with the social worker to reestablish a healthy one...

Bring treasured things for home that will help your mother to adjust.. to make her room.. comfortable and nurturing...

and if I haven't mentioned it before breathe angel... breathe... it is all coming together beautifully.....

looking forward to hearing about the shift on friday.

gail
It's Friday 14:30 S.A. time. At 8.30 this morning we struggled ma into the car and drove her to her new home. She was upset, but quiet. We got her there, moved her in quite easily. A whole gang of nurses descended on her, to take vitals, get info and mark all her clothing with a laundry marker. They all inventory everything that she brought with her. My cousin talked to her while I explained all the medication and when she takes it to the sister on that floor. Everyone was so helpful and efficient. After that I went to the social worker to tell her ma is all settled in and if there was anything else she needed from me. She said no, gave me the number for the floor ma is on and told me to go home and get some rest. I left there feeling rather numb and detached. Ma hugged me goodbye and then waved me off like I was some fly. Told me to make sure I cook up all the meat in the fridge because it's going to go off otherwise. (Like I don't know that), I guess she thinks I can't live by myself.

This chapter of caring for her at home is closed now. It's a new arrangement that I must get into. I'm 'banned' from visiting for two weeks so she can be climatised in her new home. I'm grateful for that, it'll just be accusations and tears otherwise.

I've already started rearranging the house the way I want it to be, and throwing away all the hordes of rubbish she loved to keep. It's a spring clean of many different kinds. It's going to be a whole new journey for me, but I think I'm up to it.

I won't disappear off the boards now - still want to see how everyone else is doing, and work through my own emotional rollercoaster that I'm sure will start bumping around again and soon as the dust settles...

Love to all
Asiza
Hi Azisa.

Happy hugs! I know you are so relieved, after all the anticipation and worry. Kudos to you!

Yes, please do continue to check in. It will be an adjustment for both you and your mother... with ups and downs as you stated. (Guilt - the gift that keeps on giving).

And it's springtime there - the time of renewel. I am truly very very happy for you.

Hugs,
Barb
Now you can really take a deep breath... go easy on yourself.. what you are doing by cleaning and cleansing is incredibly cathartic... but don't wear yourself thin. So many new doors will be opening for you... in many many ways... you will be able to come into your own even more... with work, friends etc.. and you will find how to balance it all..
You will always be your mom's caregiver... I am truly praying that you will both develop a truly loving relationship... very different from the one you have been living... looking forward to your updates...

take care angel...

gail
Dear Asiza,

Give yourself time, time to heal, time to think through the events that have passed. And please try to remember that you did the best that you were able to do, the very best, and your did more than most would have done. That is what you need to focus on to move forward, to heal yourself.

The others are right, all that they have said to you. You and your mom will indeed form a stronger, tighter bond now. The time spent together will truly be quality time, a time of loving and giving to each other and a time to realize the closeness you share. It probably will not happen right away. You both need to work through some feelings, but it will happen, I know this to be true.

I cared for my mom, for a very short time, in my home, for about a year. She has Alzheimer's. I was working full time at an extremely stressful job at the time, with my office at home, although there were times I need to be away at meetings, etc, so I had an aide during the day spending time with my mom. I cannot tell you what went on here... the arguments, fighting, screaming, yelling, like small children getting at each other's throats. My mom simply refused to allow anyone care for her but her daughters. I have two other sisters. To this day, and it is now four years later, although she has declined alot cognitively, one thing remains, her desire to have her girls by her side and continues to have the same aide and continues to resent any help that is offered to her. Mom lives at my sister's house and has for the pst three years. I reached a point, similar to what you just went through, that I simply could not do it any longer. Thank goodness I was getting therapy at the time and it was the psychotherapist, along with members from this board, that helped me to accept that I did the best that I could for my mom and worked through my guilt feelings.

I guess the point I am trying to make to you is you have done a wonderful, wonderful thing for your mom, the loving care you have given her and now, the decision to place her. She will continue to receive very good care and you now can enjoy a loving, caring relationship with your mom, spending quality time together and not feeling the resentment you felt, along with the tremendous energy drain on you. Give it time, it will come, dear angel. Remember to take time for you now, very important to care for YOU.

With loving thoughts,
Miriam
Hi everyone

Thank you so much for all the kind words. Almost everyone who has been involved in our lives in one way or another has approved this decision - its like they all saw it but couldn't say anything.

My emotions are still slightly subdued, there is conflicting sense of worry and guilt and the tremendous relief and might I say happiness inside me. I feel like jumping around like a little girl who just received the lastest and greatest toy on the market. There are so many things that I can consider now as possibilities instead of immediately rejecting it as the impossible. I'm enjoying living by myself and working to my own routine.

The negative stuff is ma smsing at 5am to tell me how depressed she is and how long am I going to leave her there etc...some of it is downright nasty and I'm sure deliberately meant to hurt even though I have to tell myself that she's not herself at the moment. I don't respond to the msgs mostly and then she'll demand that I answer her. When her airtime runs out she demands more airtime to continue her tyranny. I can see this is a desperate measure to try and hold on to me. If she only realised that she can't lose me, if she just let go, she'd see I'm right there. A friend of mine sent me this quote, which I thought was beautiful:

you are a brave bird, of the rarest kind
you might be one of the walking wounded,
but you still fly...

time to fly....

Love
Asiza
Hi!

I went to see ma this Saturday (past weekend). I really wasn't looking forward to it and was pretty much trying to steel myself for the worst. Just as I was about to leave a friend called and asked if they could come with me. So him and his wife drove me there and acted as a 'buffer' between ma and I. I was so grateful to them! Ma definently had some things on her mind that she wanted to say but because they were with me she had to speak more calmly.

I spent most of the time marking the clothes I'd brought her with laundry marker and hanging them up nicely. They wheeled ma down into the gardens by the little coffee shop and sat talking. When I joined them ma immediately asked about the penlight batteries I was supposed to bring (which I didn't get a chance to get) so I asked her to go the tuckshop right there to get some- it was also to encourage her to get out herself, instead of 'rebelling' by being determined to never leave her room. She very quickly shakes her head, adamant that the tuckshop doesn't have them. Another man sitting near enough to us heard this and quickly set her to rights, that the tuckshop does sell batteries, the very penlights she wants, she must just go down there during the day and get some. So she had to agree to that and say she'd go.

She also complained bitterly that another friend had told her there were so many birds here but she hadn't seen one. (How could she if she is in her room all the time?) While we were sitting outside we pointed out several birds to her. They have large Jacaranda trees all over the place, and large palm trees. Several couples of grey loeries nest in them and so she saw them and had to agree that yes there are many birds there. Score two for home team...

We wheeled her up after that and I said goodbye and all went well. She begged that I must bring our dog with next time. We have a Scottish Terrier called McKenzie which she misses terribly. I checked with the powers that be and as long as I have leash on her and keep her under control its perfectly fine to bring her into the wards. Everyone really enjoys it when they bring pets for a little while. So next time I'm taking McKenzie for a visit. I just have to get her to a doggy parlour so she can have her Scotty cut, can't having looking shaggy when she goes visiting!

Overall it was postive, and my guilty feelings are slowly going away and being replaced with something better. Being a support again, being able to give again. More and more I can tell my worrying nagging part of my brain, that's it ok - you made the right decision - and now you're seeing the results of that good decision.

Love to all
Asiza



[This message has been edited by Asiza (edited 11-03-2008).]
Hello Asiza..

It was so good to hear the update with your mother.It truly sounds as if she is adapting... still trying to push your buttons but it all sounds good..

Perhaps you should continue to visit and bring her friends as well as Mckenzie to lift her spirits.

I was wondering: if your mom in an electric motorized chair or does she need to be wheeled about? I know of others in advanced stages who needed a motorized chair to keep them independent as it was difficult to move themselves in a manual chair. Would it be possible to get an electric one for her if she needed it?

Maybe on your next visit, if you are unable to bring one or two of mom's friends, perhaps you can arrange for the social worker to meet with you... to act as a mediator.. then you can ask your mom how she is really doing... if she needs anything... how you can support her... and how she can now support you in this transformative stage.

Things seem to be going smoothly... I loved hearing about the man who told your mother she could get the batteries in the tuckshop... better to hear it from him then you

Jacaranda trees... check me into this place please... I need a rest how wonderful.. that she is surrounded by this beauty and the birds as well....

I am so happy to hear that your own guilty feelings are leaving slowly... hope it speeds up for you... so what have you been doing for yourself? How's work... How's the house shaping up after you clearing, cleaning and rearranging....

You are doing great work Asiza.. give yourself a huge hug angel... luv 2 u

g
Hi

At the moment a motorised chair is out of reach, but she is still able to wheel herself mostly. Runs herself around quite quickly when she wants to!

I've decided to make a firm arrangement to visit every two weeks, so I'm planning to take McKenzie next time and hopefully too some friends will come again. I can only come on Saturdays and the social worker works 5 days a week so she won't be there.

Work is incredibly busy, now that I'm at the air cargo branch there busiest time is Nov & Dec. I'll have to wait until middle next year to get some annual leave. The house is going very slowly. There is really is too much to have to get through. Taking pieces at a time. I've given clothes, stationery and wool away already and there is still more where it came from. A girlfriend suggested that I have a 'spring clean party'. I must make a list of everything that needs repairing in the house and then the men can get stuck into that, while the women and I do a thorough spring clean, then we can party -! Another has already offered to come cut my grass on Saturday, so its' shaping up, slowly but surely.

Emotionally it takes longer to clean up things than the house of course. I've been having nightmares that ma is back and giving me grief. I also dreamt twice about my teeth breaking - I looked that up on the internet and the gist is if you dream that your teeth break it means a big change is happening or big change is coming. True that. Overall, I'm far more hopeful for the future, something I never dared to be before. I always expected the worst so that I wouldn't be disappointed, now I can actually plan something good ahead and work towards it.

I wrote a poem about this transition - I posted it the poetry and writing section.

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I can't explain what it means to me - words fail me.
Love
Asiza
Hello Asiza... it all sounds incredible... it's going so well with your mom in the home.. with you, work etc... your emotions will heal and all will be taken care of in due time..

with your hectic schedule... see if you can take some time to do some yoga, meditation.. or both.. and maybe treat yourself to one or two massages... it's important to learn how to help yourself now to destress.. much easier helping someone else other than ourselves.. so please try to create some quiet time to nurture yourself..

take care angel

gail

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