I've been awol again - work has moved me even further away from my home and I didn't have access to most of the websites I would usually visit with the new office policies. Anyway, I'm back.
I'm in the progress of making one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I'm considering putting my mom is a home. It reached a point where I'm simply unable to care for her anymore. I'm really afraid I'll end up in hospital.
I'm found a really nice place, clean, friendly, professional, I don't have anything to say against it. Breaking the news to ma is the worst thing ever.
She is convinced she will die if she goes to a home. She threatens me with her death when the subject comes up. I'm trying so hard to get her to work with me on this, so that its a shared decision. A home is not a death camp, instead it can actually mean her doing a lot better physically and emotionally. There is also that added benefit that her burntout daughter can recover and be her daughter again.
I've been taking care of her for 8 years. I don't know my life any other way. I know very well I'll feel lost, and be lonely, and probably cry a lot too. I got to heal myself.
If she could just be a little more reasonable, and see the benefits and not only the biggest fact of leaving her home. Her being in this facility doesn't mean she never sees me - in contrast I'm very much involved. I have to be.
She doesn't understand I've run out of resources within myself, and have to look at other alternatives. She will see her needs as greater than mine, and the more she holds on the more she suffocates me. I have very little help from family or friends because of various situations. Government gives no help. Hired caregivers and nurses are too expensive. My difficulties don't seem to penetrate her thinking - somehow because I'm young I'm supposed continue coping indefinently. I'm 25, but I might as well be 60.
My proverbial bank account is empty, and she keeps trying to get her cheques honoured. I'm so exhausted I think I'll be a nerve clinic before this year is out. Please can she just understand.
Sorry - this turned into far more than intended. Obviously just needed to let this out.