STLL TIRED AFTER HUSBAND'S PASSING

Dianna:

I think that what you are feeling is ALL perfectly normal. Being a care-giver is an exhausting experience both physical and mentally. Your husband just passed - so give yourself some time to re-group. You also need to watch out for yourself as well - cause I think I remember you saying you had chronic fatigue syndrome - which I am sure adds to you being tired.

My Father died 4 1/2 months ago - EVERYBODY said to me it gets easier. I personally find myself more exhausted, more overwhelmed and less able to deal with stress on a daily basis. I am not sure if its because I continue to "sit" at home and care for my Mother - as she fires care-givers left and right - whether its because I am getting more depressed - but everyday seems to be more of a struggle to get up and go than the last one. Actually taking a shower or finding the time to take a shower while my Mother sleeps can be one of my BIGGEST sources of anxiety - isn't that off the wall.

My point is I think you are right where you are supposed to be. I found that in the beginning the more I found myself around "other people" or out in the real world - the better I did. As I find myself back in the house more and more - haven't been out since Thursday the 13th (cause of her recent firing spree) - I find myself worse than ever.

So take your time to grieve and re-group - and then try to find another outlet - whether it be a support group - doing a craft you like to do - visiting friends - working - volunteering - whatever - I know for me - sitting in the house in silence day after day - has driven me to a place that I do not like.

Hugs,

Janet

Oh Janet,
I can SO relate to what you are saying, especially scheduling your shower. Between working at home, and caring for mom, it was a huge challenge to figure out when to shower. Honestly, along with the depression, most days I didn't give a damn if I showered or not. My saving grace was knowing my husband would be home and I didn't want him to see (smell) me like that lol.
I think what you are suggesting is absolutely the right thing to do - get out of the house - although, when you're depressed, it's the last thing you want to do, but when I do get out, I always feel so much better.
My mom's been living with my sister now for almost two weeks and I have to say this past week was much better for me than the week before. I actually was able to spend evenings without crying! I call mom just about every night and I'm able to do that without feeling so very sad, so I know I'm getting there -- as everyone always says, it just takes time.
Dianna, I have fibromyalgia, which is VERY similar (if not the same) as Chronic Fatigue. I've lived with it for over 15 years and I know the pain and fatigue you are experiencing. Stress is a huge factor in bringing on flare ups, as you probably are aware. Another big factor is barometric changes - I can actually predict the weather better than most meteorologists. With the impending hurricane in your area, that could impact CFS too.
I'm grateful that we have this site, to come to so that we can discuss these issues, or just to vent, we need that.
Janet, I hope you are able to get out of the house soon, and Dianna, continue to try to rest and as Janet recommended, try to get out more with others, even if it's only for a short while....
Mimi

Hello Diann,

Glad to hear from you.. and pleased that you are doing what you need to do for yourself... sleeping is a part of healing your body from all the stress and grief as well... it is a time when the mind is quiet and still.. so embrace it as a part of your journey to healing..

gail

Hi Diana.

Your response is just as mine. Lethargic and uninterested. Do what you need now, be it sleep, just lay there, whatever.
I realize sometimes that is not an option, so if not - push and use your down time for down time. The dust can wait.
Hugs,
Sue

{{{Janet}}}

I feel the same as you. Time I think is the answer.
You have so much to do. I think of you often.

Sue

Gail!

I hope you are doing well. In fact, I am sure that you are.
I am sorry that I missed the chat. But hope to be on there soon.

Hugs,
Sue

Getting more and more depressed. My sons don't call to see how I'm doing. I have no money and no job. I can't get out of bed. I miss my husband so much and can't believe he is gone. Everything I try to do for myself goes wrong. Today I put my husband's car out with a for sale sign in the window and it is stuck in the mud. I just left and came home and got back into bed.Dear God, help me. Going back to bed now. Thanks for listening.

Dianna

Dianna

Dianna,

Please don't try and go this alone. You are in need of help right now. Grieving is difficult, it's true. But when you are suffering with the depression and isolation you are now experiencing, it's time to get help.

As I recall ... Hospice helping you. Call them immediately. Talk to the social worker there and ask for some help. They can help you, talk with you, spend time with you. Many areas allow a year after a loved ones death for support.

Please don't let yourself sink deeper into despair. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your husband. He would not want you to be going through this.

Try.
Please?
Call Hospice.
Ask for help... they will help you.

~Jane



[This message has been edited by Irish152 (edited 11-05-2005).]

{{{Dear Dianna}}}

It is only natural for you to feel tired. You have been your husband's care-giver for such a long time. It will take you some time to recover...

Be gentle with yourself during this time. Do not fight the need for rest. In fact, give yourself permission to lay in bed and grieve when you need to. Let the tears flow - it will help lift the curtain of darkness...

It is hard to recover from the financial side of care-giving. If need be, call a friend for help in getting the car out of the mud and to help you get it ready for sale. Sometimes, we can not do it all alone! There is nothing wrong in asking for help.

I do not know what your financial situation is exactly. I know I have sold items in the past on eBay to supplement our income here during my care-giving years. However, if you have equity in your home, it might be time to consider downsizing or refinancing? Whatever it takes to take the financial stress off of you during this time...

Make a plan and use whatever funds/time available to realize that plan. Let me share with you what I learned this week in school. My professor said that people with goals earn twice as much as those without goals and people with written goals earn twice as much more...

So, when you feel up to it, make a plan and pursue it. Have faith in yourself! You have much to offer! You cared for your husband for over half-dozen years which is amazing! Now it is time to care for YOU!

I hope I have not said too much here. Take care, Dianna. We are here for you and wish for you the best...

Love and Hugs from Glenda

Hello Dianna,

please check on two things...

ask hospice to provide some grief and bereavement counseling to you either individually, by group or both...

and check with your doctor, if you are in need with some mild mood elevator to help you get over this initial stage of loss and grief...

feeling as you are right now is not abnormal, but if you aren't able to function then you need to reach out for the support... so the depression doesn't sink you deeper..

please keep us posted,

blessings,

gail