Sorry for not posting my reply to you, Gail. Thank you for your advice. Messing up all around...positive? Hard to believe in anyone or anything right now. So, won't post any negatives...won't post until I get myself together.
I have read your postings and can't tell you how bad I feel for you. I'm not the best with words, but here goes.
Please don't stop posting or coming to this site - it will help you work through what your are dealing with. That is the reason all of us are at this site. You are not alone in what you feel - all of us here are going through similar situations. It is important to talk about it. You can't keep this bottled up. We are all here to comfort each other and give support/advice. You are not putting anyone out. We want to hear about what you have to say and help you with it. I'm very new to this site, but it has been wonderful to meet other people and so comforting to know I'm not alone. Please be here with me.
I think you are so used to being the one to give comfort and support that you may be having trouble accepting support. At least, that is the way I feel a lot of times. I don't like to "put people out", so I deal with things on my own. I don't like to burden others with what I'm feeling, or I feel like I complain too much. But this is the wrong way, and I have to admit that I already feel so much better just talking with others here who are going through the same thing. They understand what I'm talking about. I'm still having a hard time accepting help, but I must learn that this is better that going it alone and I can find much wisdom and life lessons. I can learn to cope with hardships better.
We all have our breaking points, we can't be perfect. If we were, then would we need the Lord's forgiveness? I'm not the most spiritual person and probably shouldn't be pointing anyone anywhere on this, especially you who are a nun. Please forgive me if I'm wrong and I'm sure I don't know what it is to be in your community. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're only human and none of us can be perfect. Even those who serve the Lord are human. Don't get down on yourself for this. You have not failed, you have been given a chance to learn just how strong you are. You have been given a chance to help someone when they need it the most. How much more worthy of the Lord's love than one who choses to sacrifice for another? A very spiritual friend of mine at work used to say, "The Lord only gives us as much as he thinks we can handle." He must think you are very capable. He wants you to learn from this.
I like to think that we can learn important lessons even when bad things happen. We will be stronger for it. You may learn more about yourself and be far more compassionate from this experience. We obviously do not like to see others suffer, especially our loved ones, and unfortunately it is part of life. We all lose someone sooner or later and we all must deal with it. We must learn how to accept and cope as best we can.
Gail and the others here at this site are very wise and have a lot of experience with helping others with caregiving and loss. Please try to keep coming back. Nothing you are saying is negative - you are merely grieving. It is understandable and there is nothing wrong with that. It is normal. I think you are special and so full of love. I would like to get to know you better.
Just wanted to acknowledge you for your beautiful post..you are incredibly wise and it is a joy to have you be a part of us. Your post overwhelmed me with tears..to see how important the spiritual and emotional issues are for all of us..
Dedra, thank you for your strong message and caring. I am trying to get myself together. I had every intention of beginning that task today. I got word this evening that I probably will not be allowed to see my friend anymore. So, my resolve from this morning wilted away. I'm not strong right now...I want to be...and I know that I've got to get myself together. I just don't know how to get my energy back to fight. I've been fighting all my life and right now I am fighting for my friend and losing. As a nun I don't believe in organized religion...I believe in spirituality and all of God's creation. I'm probably not a "good" nun. I know that people say God never gives us more than we can handle---well, I can't find God right now. And I don't know if I can handle this anymore. Quite a weakling, huh? And is this how God rewards Dorothy for 67 years of service to a community? Not expecting an answer...just feeling defeated. I suffer from PTSD...and right now I suffer more from a broken heart and spirit. Thank you for caring and your message.
I am very sorry to hear that you won't get to see your friend. I hope that in time you will be allowed to or that you will find another way.
I don't think that you are weak. You are strong in that you have made it this far. Some people give up and don't even try. You are at least trying your best and that is all that you can do. I'm sure your friend understands as well. Please don't beat yourself up - you ARE doing all that you can.
Give yourself time. I know when I'm feeling that stressed out, sometimes taking a step back is the only way to see things more clearly. I sleep and try to recover and then I find that I am better able to deal with the situation. It's at this time that I may also come up with other ideas on how to solve the problem - maybe something that did not occur to me earlier because I was so tired and stressed.
I do not think you are a bad nun just because you do not believe in organized religeon. This is probably one of your better qualities - you are not so narrow minded as to see people as "good" or "bad" based on whether they follow the rules or not.
As to not finding God right now, don't be so hard on yourself about this either. Have faith in yourself, if nothing else, that you will find a way to get through this. I always feel that somehow I will always plow forward, whether I can see a way or not. Somehow I get through things. Don't try to see the whole picture right now - it's too overwhelming. Put one foot in front of the other and you will move on. Your answers will come in time.
I'm only speaking of what helps me. You will find your own path and learn how to cope. I know you will. There is still much courage and love in you, whether you believ it or not right now.
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