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I lost my job. I lost my house. Now I am losing my children. @#$% Why you wonder? Because I tried to hold on to my integrity, to my dignity, to my self-worth. I don't feel like going into details. Suffice it to say I had all the right ingredients mixed together ready to be put into the oven when they all got thrown into my face. All I got is one true friend now, so I am by the grace of God not homeless. Now I have to start from scratch again. I have two choices, either to stay down or get back up again. I am tired of feeling like a longhorn among other longhorns with men on horses around us herding us to the slaughterhouse. I am tired of being on the ground with some man having a foot on my back keeping me down. Now I am battling to keep my kids. Where are my parents when I need them? They are on vacation now in Pureto Vallarta, Mexico. Guess they got bored being in Palm Springs. They say they care, want to help if only I will take and follow their advice along with a lot of I told you so, but also say they want to enjoy life before they get too ill to travel, that they can't handle the stress of my recurrent problems which they label as self-inflicted. In trying to do too much I over reached and fell on my face, but do you think any man will help pick a woman up. Hell no, they don't want any woman in a vertical position. Now I need to find a job, need to get a lawyer, also see a doctor, and someone from the clergy, some good references, and hopefully my one good true friend will stick by me until I am on my feet again.
Thanks for letting me bend your ear.
fallen again angel
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Well FallenAngel! You've just got your "wings" --- now is the time for you to "fly"! You are where I was years ago, and where I am now listening to your story --I didn't have children - but I lost it all too. Be sure you get an attorney that is "real" --- and they're hard to come by ---be sure to get advice from others and references from others before you make any decisions. Nothing is self-inflicted when you have tried to help yourself as it seems in your post. Hold your head --- your "wings" will hold you up with the wind beneath them --- God will do the rest! Ups and downs, trials and struggles --- you can do this and even more! Thank God for your precious friend, and know you hit home with me and my pity-party as I have come through what you are doing. I have my marriage, had 3 homes, financial good, and my health all back! My almost-divorce never happened - we just started over --- and my husband is my "ROCK" now! Don't quit ---- you can do this no matter how tough it gets! In my prayers and know I sleep in my Mom's bed who passed on and one is a "FallenAngel" --- she got her "wings" too! In my prayers! Vickie
Hi, and you know, I have read and reread what Vickie said----------I so admire her way with words. And truly, she has covered it all so beautifully.

Fallen Angel, know that you and yours are in our thoughts and prayers. Grab your 'wings and soar.'

With love, hugs, and blessings,
Nanc ;-)
Thanks ladies for the gentle encouraging words. I don't know if I have angel wings, I feel more like a bull that has been taunted and speared, and I want to lower my head and gore that smiling smug matador right in the gut and throw him over my head. Who says money is the root of all problems? I would replace money with men. Anyway, to me now money would be the root of all solutions. I wish more women owned businesses. That is who I would prefer to work for, an understanding woman boss. I think I have a good case for a sexual harassment case, if only I can find me a female lawyer, though men will sue men if they get make a buck out of it. They certainly kill and main each other in war. Vickie, know you got a "Rock" of a husband, I am happy for you, you certainly found that needle in a wheatfield, nevermind the haystack. Why are men in charge of all the religions, are put up there on a spiritual pedestal when we all know that women are far more spiritual, listen, not here to rant about the opposite sex, but to me I feel like they are octopuses grabbing at me with all their tentacles and trying to reel you in to that beak of a disgusting mouth they have. The two biggest tentacles in my life was my boss at work who I wish I could flush down the toilet with my ex-husband. Whatever angel wings I had or might have had have been plucked off and I am about to be buttered up and put into the oven to be cooked and washed down some gullet by whatever beer is on tap. What will turn me around in my attitude? There is no worse choice one can make than to pick the wrong mate, the wrong boss, and the wrong friends. I was falling over the cliff this time and only one hand reached out and caught me and I am holding on tight now. I am going to get me a lawyer, a good one so I can get some money, then I am going to get myself into therapy so I can learn to make good choices for myself and kids, then I am going to hold onto my dear friend and my faith for dear life, have to forget the long term goals I had cause right now it's the short term stuff I need to survive, and I am thankful I still have a connection to here where there is compassion and understanding. Got to fight for my children in everyway I can, and I got a friend who is going to help me, but it's going to be a long road, so thanks Nanc and Vickie, my wings are wet with sorrow and heartaches, but just you saying that I have them is incredibly helpful now, and I got at least the warmth of one good friend to help me dry them off so I can soar once again. I used to be so optimitic, so cheerful. I want to get there again.

Fallen but still able to reach out angel
Dear Angel:

Sometimes when things get really, really rough, it helps to count our blessings. You have friends and your children are still with you at the moment. Hold them close and let them know how much you love them...

It is the holiday season, so there are seasonal jobs available. Vickie and Nanc ;-)are right - you can get through this. Know that you are also in my thoughts and prayers. Breathe deep and hold your head up!

Love and Hugs from Glenda
Dear FallenAngel: The reason I am who I am today is I too have been let down by every man in my life. I was taught by my precious mother ---- you just take it. I set my feet on a path to change all that. It was not until "I" changed that my spouse "changed". You have a lot of right to be angry, and resentful, an every emotion you have right now. I was bound and determine to make it - so at the age of 53, no job, no money, no home - I believe the men in my family who gave me money, but on their terms ---- I had to fight to ignore the advice and was told right out, we can't deal with emotional stuff, and they were so right. Just like Dad as he is wondering why his sons won't call him. He will not call them either, has never called me unless it was about him. So, I just got "sick and tired of it all", and I changed me. I found out being independent, and not needing anyone can happen. However, when you have children ---- you have much more to live for than me. I didn't want to live. My sister passed with cancer, and then my Mom --- my sister-in-law changed and lifestyles were not what I wanted. I lost almost all my prior friends, but it feels good to be me today and when you have faith, you will do "it" afraid ---- and then you feel so low about as low as you think I'm not gonna make it thru this, and I cried out to God - if you don't do this - you know I can't do this on my own. Every time --- he shows me a strength, and many times blessings. Give yourself all the "space" you need to feel all the anger, resentment, and just let loose of all inside of you. Then, for your children --- you can do whatever it takes to pull this back together! You see, I know my parents should've been divorced - yet my Mom when she had heart surgery did not want to come back to her environment, and she passed on. I was determine to break this generational curse, and I'm doing it even as I write this. I just believe that I'm not gonna quit "trying" until I'm the little ole lady --- (and, I pray I'll be a sweet lady). I got a wonderful job at 53, and was took advantage of --- was sweet talked by the best of them ---- and NAIVE!!!! I had to learn late, but I know now who I can depend on and who I can't depend on --- and that's me! Don't beat yourself up ---- yes, get to a counselor --- one that will help you to grow, and look for those who only lift you up. If it's not your parents, (mine didn't), then sooner or later --- you'll get beyond that too. Your children want YOU! Hang in there ---- baby steps! Try not to attack the whole picture at once --- priorities first --- JOB (pray for the right one!) ---- then, you never know what will happen next! I have a lot of faith because I've been at it for 12 years now, and I stay at it and know I can't do anything without praying over it first. You will have your way --- just don't beat yourself up! Baby steps ---- one step at a time! Find good supportive friends, those who love you just as you are ---- and are not going to condemn you in any way ---- they're out there. You'll see! Love & Prayers.......... Vickie
Thank you Glenda, Vicky and Nanc! You three are my tripod of support where I can put my camera and take unblurred and crystal clear pictures of my situation. Well, I do got two jobs lined up, decent jobs too, and I have interviews coming up so wish me luck! One job is for cashier at a health food store. I wonder if they would mind if during my lunch break I went over to Burger King for a Whopper? Could I lose my job over that? Well, not to count my eggs before they hatch, and the other possible job, got my fingers crossed on this one, cashier at Von's supermarket with great benefits. Well, I am out trying. Also got an appointment to talk to a lawyer, free consultation, limited time, so I really have to write down what I plan on asking and saying. Need to find housing again, but my friend said I can stay as long as I need to to get back on my feet, and anyway, she insists that I stay at least through Christmas. Also need to find a therapist, and I do want a female one. Well, I know my problems are nothing compared to losing a loved one as some here have done. I am lax in my reading of posts here, but I am so sorry for the loss of your dad Glenda. I know it came at a very hard time of the year. I am of the belief that only the body goes like old clothes so we can go to God's glorious clothing store up in heaven and get a whole new body to wear, one that is healthy and young again. I got a feeling your beloved dad is right now in the process of being fitted with a new body, but the soul and heart and all the love he had and has will always be the same. Well, that is my belief as corny and nutty as it sounds. Love you all. You feel like sisters to me, heavenly sisters.

Going to spend time now with my children and my friend. I am so hoping I get one of those jobs.

Life feels so much better being among sisters. Wish men had the ability to be like brothers. Good men are out there I know, and Glenda, your dad is a prince and Vicky, your husband sounds like a real polished gem.

Bye for now
Fallen soon to be risen angle
FALLENANGEL: "YOU GO GIRL"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOD GETS THE GLORY ---- !!!! Thrilled to hear your news --- I prayed and cried big time and look at you now -- and all these beautiful people on this board are rooting for you, and all of us who have lost or grieved have come out for the better sooner or later! AWESOME!!!

[This message has been edited by Vick (edited 12-06-2006).]I just love it when I can fix my spelling "goofs"!! And, not having to be told it's ok to make mistakes anyway!!! (YEA!!!!!)

[This message has been edited by Vick (edited 12-06-2006).]
How nice of you to be thinking of me Vicki. That is so comforting to know others care about me. Frankly I am feeling very depressed, and it's just not me to feel so depressed even going through hell. I used to be the kind of person to laugh in the devil's face, but it is getting the best of me now. No word from either potential job yet. My children are managing to be happy, but that has more to do with my friend than with me. Being out of work and home is about as hard as it's gotten for me. I know I can probably get a job as a waitress the same day I apply, but I want better than that, though at a good establishment it would be fine for the time being. Not only do I hvae to get a job and find a decent place to live with my kids but I also need to start pursuing an education, though I do like what Gail said about my suggestion of becoming a croupier. I am glad she liked that idea and it is always in the back of my mind now. At least a croupier can dress up which I like and the clientele is usually upper scale though you do get the working stiffs trying to make something more of their paychecks and there is also skill involved and the schooling for that would be on a fast track and I am comfortable being around people. Right now I feel I have to get on anti-depressants to want to feel like enjoying life again, and I don't like giving my children the impression I don't enjoy their company cause I certainly do but just can't show it the way they are used to seeing it.

Just down, but I am so glad you inquired Vicki. It is a definite lift. My kids are so sweet, so understanding, though my daughter does act too grown up for her age at times which is irritating. My friend and I took them out this afternoon to go have ice-cream cones and that was the high point in my day seeing them so excited. Well Vicki, you are such an angel as most are here. I feel so alone, wish I had a good mate, but I am just dreaming. I would probably end up with having a nightmare again. I do notice that things do seem to get better by praying, so I will continue to do that. I think being a parent is also being a caregiver, there are caregivers who take care of someone ill and other caregivers trying to keep someone healthy, and that is what I am desperately trying to do, to provide a healthy environment for myself and my adorable children. Well, dinner time now, not that I am hungry but I should at least go to the table and maybe do a bit of nibbling.

Thanks Vicki for thinking of me. You are a doll! and you know what kind of doll I mean and don't mean

I know there is another Barbara here who goes by Barb, so I will just use Barbi, but don't mistake me for that Playboy bunny Barbi, ok?
Thanks for letting me know how you are. Depression can take hold of us pretty easily - but it seems you have lots going on and keeping busy sure helps. Don't quit at the jobs you have tried for,lots of other jobs out there -- keep at it and I know easier said than done with the depression and children, and holidays too! Dont' give in to the negative --- yeah - easier said than done too. And, for a mate -you'll work all that out in time - and the right person will come - and you have to "help" you become the person God wants you to be, and be who is best for you before you can be for a mate. Children will have to be such a big part of that too - and I just feel you'll be ok ----- it just takes time --- you seem to be making some progress, yet I doubt you see it. Hang in there - you have sooooooooooooo much to live for! Happy Holidays! Don't Quit on BEING YOU!!!! It is the "YOU" you are looking for now, and that person is exactly who your children love!!!!! God Bless You!

[This message has been edited by Vick (edited 12-08-2006).]

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