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I wrote in an earlier post that I didn't understand why I was so calm. I know now that is the bodys way of preparing for what's ahead.

It's been 5 weeks. I went grocery shopping(my large order) for the first time since Mom's death. It was tough passing the M&M'S( her favorite) and not getting them for her. Or the puddings that she was eating so many of. I stood in the store and cried....a couple different times.....

I read artnut's post about the feeling of erasing your loved one, that's exactly what it feels like.....when you do that first load of laundry after and their clothes are in it, the first time you go to the pharmacy and you don't have to pick up their meds.

I hear a song on the radio and I cry.

She was just here...how can she be gone!!!!!

The days are so long now. I have no energy. I should be cleaning but I don't feel like it. I should be doing my exercising but I don't feel like it.

I try to put on a happy face and do all the normal things you're "supposed" to do but I don't want to.

This has been a bad week for me.
Patty
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(((Patty)))
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Patty, you are still grieving the loss of your mom. Not wanting to exercise or clean is indeed normal. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You need to get through the process of grieving.
I hope in the coming weeks you will begin to feel better; my thoughts are indeed with you.
Mimi
Hi Patty,

I haven't been to this site very often in the past year. My MIL passed away 2/9/05, but I still pop in once and a while. Guess this is still a part of "our" past that I haven't put away.

My heart goes out to you in your sadness. I know the emptyness you're feeling and, unfortunately, for me, I too still have bad days. All those "firsts" you go through without her are so difficult and the pain is unreal. I still cry, but happily joy is now replacing the pain. I'm remembering the wonderful, happy, comical times we had and that is warming my heart.

In time Patty, it will change. Oh, the sadness will still come. And you'll still cry when you least expect it, but joy will come. In time you will be able to embrace the precious past you had with her and find comfort in that.

This is a process for you that will take time and realize it's okay that you don't feel like doing whatever it is you think you should. It took me about nine months to clean out her room. I knew it was something I had to do. People would visit and I can only imagine what they thought of me! But I was not ready. I just could not put that part of her away. You'll be able to handle things in your own time, so please realize that and don't feel guilty. Let your feelings come - cry or whatever. It's all a part of your healing.

Just wanted you to know I understand and I hope the remainder of the week gets better for you.

Chris
Thank you so much.
I know it all takes time. sometimes I wish that time would just fly. But I don't want to wish my life away.

I have already cleaned out her room. I could not walk past it everyday and see it the same. Her bedroom suite is gone...my DD took it. The room is almost empty. I am going to paint and make it "my room".

Thanks for listening........
Dearest Patti
I so know the feeling you are experiencing. Please, be kind to yourself now! You, like so many of us caregivers give/gave so much. All of those 'firsts' are very painful. And crying is really a cleansing of the soul. Let those tears flow. It's almost 3 years ago that I lost my wonderful Mother, and I still have certain days that I cry. Sometimes a pleasant memory kinda hits me, and I know I get this impish grin on my face. There are no timetables for grief. No schedule to follow. You just have to have faith that God will get you thru this, and I am sure he will. After all, you have a special angel up there looking down at you with much love in her heart and a big grin on her face thinking,' thats my girl'. Take it one day at a time, and know that we are here for you.
{{{{{Patty}}}}}}

Be gentle and nurturing with yourself angel.. you are grieving.. and while you may have a picture of the way you are supposed to feel, you are grieving your loss and healing in your own way.... are these so called "normal things" one is supposed to do the daily things.. that hold little meaning in this time for you? Be gentle.. sleep, cry, rest.. do only what you feel comfortable with...

As Chris described.. the firsts of so many things will take you through the year.. and subsequent years.. my mother passefd nov 2004 and xmas and the new year holiday passed the first year as if it were nothing to me.. this year in 2005 it hit me that she was gone... different than the year before and it was a huge adjustment for me...

as I have said so many times here at the site.. there is no right or wrong way to grieve and heal.. there is only the way that we4 are guided individually to heal as we need to..

A warm glow took over me as I read that you would be painting your mom's room and making it a specail room for you...

Don't push yourself to clean all her things or give them away... Let some of them reside with you for as long as you need..

you may also want to write dauly in a journal... writing about your sadness - writing to your mother through the words.. it is not only carthartic... it will bring you much wisdom, guidance and direction...

please keep us posted... we are here for you Patty...

blessings... may your healiung be gentle and nurturing

gail
Thanks Gail : - )
I am keeping lots of her things. the things that were important to her also. all her crochet hooks and her sewing basket with her prayer books and little things she had in it are going to be placed in "my room".

I still have all her clothes. and I am keeping the pink bathrobe she always wore. I'll never get rid of that.

It is the daily things I don't want to do. cleaning and cooking...I could care less about.

Thank you all for your help and wisdom.
Patti...

Sorry to hear you're having a bad week..
it's overwhelming sometimes how just the smallest sound or smell will bring back a rush of memories, and you find yourself flooded with tears..I had that happen to me several times this past Christmas shopping and it seemed at every turn I ran into something that reminded me of my dad..
It does get easier over time, and as time does pass you find yourself holding on to memories, I found with my mom I began worrying I'd forget things..grief is a slow and difficult process..hang in there..we're all here for you...
take care
PrairieGal
I just got pictures back in the mail.......they actually lost 5 rolls of my film.....I thought they were gone forever!!

The pics were from Mom's 80th b-day party back in Oct. Oh, the flood of tears!!!

It's so difficult to think that life just picks up and goes on......it never skips a beat......... no matter what happens.

I think hubby and I are going to go away this weekend. I found a nice hotel a couple hours away where we can hang out in the hot tub or by the swimming pool. The place we are going has a real nice country/craft store...we have been there before...it's actually very huge!! And a family style restaraunt that has the most awesome cinnamon buns.
Patty:

That is wonderful that they found your 5 rolls of film from your Mom's 80th birthday party in October. What a blessing!!!!

Also glad that you & your husband are going to be able to get away this weekend. I think after care-giving and then loosing your loved one you just need some time to re-group.

When I lost my Father on June 3, 2005 - I felt the same exact way. It was the MOST difficult thing in the world to do dishes or a load of laundry and cooking dinner seemed like an impossible feat. I still had to care for my Mother - and she still needed to eat - be clean - otherwise I believe I would have probably laid in bed for weeks and watched Life Time Movies - and ordered out A LOT!!!!!

I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. It is hard for EVERYONE when they loose a loved one - but I think being a care-giver is different - cause if affects EVERY aspect of your daily life.

I cannot believe I am writing this - but it does get better with time. Gosh - I never ever ever thought I would write or say those words and mean them. Oh yes, there are still days where grief sneaks up on me like a ton of bricks - but it does pass. It happens less frequent and not as intense as in the beginning.

I believe they are always with you - and guiding you as you continue on your journey on this earth - and saving a place for you -when its your time to join them.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs,


Janet
Hello Patty,

You are doing fine... you are grieving... put one of your mom's sweatshirts on or something that you can also feel comforted by... I am glad you are holding on to items that meant a lot to your mother as well as to you...AS for the daily things like cooking, cleaning.. they aren't important at this time.. there are more important things that are holding your thoughts at this time.

Somehow when our loved ones are alive, it is more important to keep up the image for them.. and now you can let it go.. for life is drawing you to other things of more importance.

It is interesting to note, that many a caregiver who quit their jobs as caregivers can no longer go back to their jobs because they hold so little meaning for them.

Caring for someone as we do transforms us in ways we couldn't have imagined.

As for the photos.. the last I had of my mother and myself were from her birthday and mother's day.. and I too, didn't develop them until after her passing. The film had been in the camera so long, I thought that they may not have come out at all.. and to boot, the film broke on the spool so I had t remove the spool at the developing center and then prayed until I actually saw them...

Well they came out beautifully...so I too, was grateful.. take care

gail
My mom passed away on 9-9-06 at 12:51 PM at the hospital emergency room. I talked to her that morning she told me that my dad had a girlfriend because he wouldn't take her boot of her. I said mom he is there with you he has no other girlfriend. I told her I loved her and would see her soon. that was at 10:00am. the hardest thing for me is going to be my birthday, cause we were planning it on Friday afternoon when I was with her. visiting her. I miss her oh so much and my birthday is the 27th of this month. I miss her hug, calls all day long, her asking me to do this or that for her. What makes it so worst is that my grandmother and father were fighting over her. I think she couldn't deal with the pain anymore and so she just let go of her life. If God were to stand in front of me right this second and ask me if I was ready to go with him I would say yes. Just so I could be with her. she was my heart and sould at times like this. I used to talk to her at night and this is the worst time. We would just talk about everything and anything in life. She was the best in the world. her and I since I was a kid had a special call between us. I just really wish I could hug and kiss her once again and hold her close to me. I am so sad right now. It has only been a week. I feel like it is never going to be easy for me to take my mom's death. I wanted her with me to see me get my life straight but this is just another detour in my life once again. I miss her oh so much right now.

shannon
Shannon, I remembe rthe feelings you are talking about.
Just let me tell you that it will get worse before it gets better.
I am not trying to discourage you, but you should find someone who can help you through this.

My Mom passed away at the end of January......it is still very tough. There are days when i still sit and cry. There are times when I feel so stupid because I am still crying.

I have tried 2 new jobs since Mom's passing....and I have quit both of them.
You will need to find your 'place' but it will take time.

Give into the sadness, cry, scream, do whatever you have to do to make it through this time. It is not easy and it is not a 'fast' journey.

Like I said it's been almost 8 months since I lost my Mom, it's gotten easier, but I stil have bad days and nights.

I hope you can find someone to be with you and to talk to during this time. That truely does help.

Take care and God Bless...........
Patty
Big loving hugs to both you Patty and Shannon.. It is almost two years since my mother's passing... I miss everything good and bad.. most of all the hugs... give yourself time to grieve.. we all push trying to do more than we may abe able to... if you can let things evolve rather than trying to make them happen.. allow yourself time to rest and heal.. be out in nature, perhaps write your feelings in a journal on a daily basis..

careigiving changes us in ways we may not have imagined... things we we drawn to prior to caregiving may no longer serve our needs.. the transformation, the healing, the reclaiming of our own life is a journey that we discover along this road of living...allow things to be revealed to you... keep us posted..l

richest blessings and may your healing be gentle and nurturing

gail
Thanks Gail, my biggest problem is that I don't feel like 'me' anymore. The 'me' I used to be was a caregiver,now I have to find the new 'me'.
Where do I begin? Because of quitting the last 2 jobs I had, I am very afraid to try another for fear I am not ready yet.
Will I know when I am ready?
{{{{{Patty}}}}}}}

My heart is with you angel... it is a gentle process to experience and move through the various waves of grief. I have said it so many times here at the boards.. there is no right or wrong way to grieve.. there is only the moment.. it takes a toll at times.. I had memory lapses.. and in handling the organiztion and all of its needs took much of my energies.

We don[t always realize how the daily stresses, the emergencies, the quick decisions build within us.. and sometimes we need to just rest and give ourselves permission to be without an expectation.

I don't remember if your mom was in hospice but if she was, they provide grief support for a year .. if she wasn't you can still check both on and offline for a group to get involved in. It is needed as much as the caregiver support you reached out for and are still receiving. You will always be supported here...

For me, I made 5 new choices to live my own life more fully.. they were:

1. regain my own health
2. take up pottery which I absolutely love and am getting good at
3. volunteer at a museum
4. go to the theater more often
5. put myself in places where I could meet new and interesting people.

Perhaps instead of looking for work right at this particular time, explore and find a new hobby that might interest you and take you into a new avenue of work.. perhaps volunteer and an organization that moves you in your heart for this can lead to opportunity.

You said it.. you don't know yourself anymore.. things of the material world that you may have given more power to or strived for may no longer excite you. Some things take on new meanings.. this is a time to be gentle with yourself, to explore, not push, to let yourself be guided to new experiences.

If there is anything that we learn many a time as caregivers from the dying, is to find ways to live our own lives more fuller, more richer, more deeper and not in materialistic ways.. its' an opportunity to move deeper within and listen to your soul's needs and desires.. your very heart's desires as they are the barometer for where you will continue on your journey.

Thee are some special books listed here in the suggested reading section of the site that might interest you:

http://www.care-givers.com/pag...d-dbooks.html#Anchor

There are also some wonderful articles here at the site.. you can go to the caregiving articles link and search under death and dying. This link may move you to it.

http://www.care-givers.com/DBA...rearticles.php?cid=6

. If you live in the city try to get out to nature whether it is the beach, the mountains, greenery.. a park.. just walk and reflect. Talk out loud to your mom... ask her for guidance and direction... journal daily get all the mixed emotions out as it is cleansing and continue to write more.. information will come through your writings in the forms of awareness and guidance.

Most of all be gentle, nurturing and kind to yourself, to your body, mind and spirit.. light candles, take aromatherapy baths and treat yourself with love as you did your mom.. this time is for you... it is a time to heal..

journey in peace.

Gail
Hi all,

This is something I have learned recently. If your loved one was never involved with hospice they will still offer you bereavment counseling and grief support groups. I had to get my dad into one quickly last week. He was very bad off. I was afraid I was going to loose him at the same time. He has a good guy helping him right now. He is very compassionate with my dad. He is doing better this week. Even though it has been a month ago my mom passed away. This week is going to be hard. I have to be strong for my dad, I can't cry in front of him. I have to wait till everyone leaves the house or I have to go drive and cry. People look at me funny when I am crying in the car to myself, but they don't understand. I miss talking with my mom cause she understood me oh so well at times. I am going through a situation right now with a friend, that doesn't understand that now is the time to try to talk with her father before anything happens to him. I told her she is going to be sorry for not trying to make the relationship right. Right now is the time to forgive him for what he may have done wrong to her. I tell her to spend time with each of her parents cause it may be the last time she sees them. But it goes in one ear and out the other. She doesn't realize when her mom passes she is only going to have her father. She is an only child between her mom and dad. Her dad has two other kids. But you know, it is hard to believe this right now. She is not the brightest crayon in the box either.

Shannon

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