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After 7 months of battling w/ terminal metastic prostate disease my Father - William J. Ward passed away Friday June 3, 2005 around 4:03 am.

Some of you may have come to know me as "Nasty Pants" when the care-giving of 2 parents became soooooo overwhelming to me. I consumed myself with feeling sorry for myself - that it was "too much". Secretly there was a part of me that just wished it was over - but deep down - I never EVER wanted him to leave.

His body was sick - I think that I just wanted to stop watching the daily changes of the disease taking away more of my Daddy each day.

He was such a wonderful man. My best friend. I have been so blessed - because so very few people are able to experience the closeness of me & my Father. I spoke to this man every single day of my life. I think the only times in my life I did not see him everyday - was when I was on vacation - which was few & far between.

The array of emotions that I experienced yesterday was incredible - never anger - but everything else. I am going to do another post - to tell you about his final days. Although the saddest experience of my life - if he had to die - I could not have ask for a better way. As it goes on 24+ hours after his passing - I am beginning to feel more and more lost.

I will write more about feelings on this later. I am 37 years old - and NEVER had anyone close to me die - wonder why my 1st experience with death has to be the man - who has been the world to me.

Somebody wrote - would your Dad had cared for you like you cared for him. He would have - in a heartbeat w/out a 2nd thought and probably a few less compliants.

Trying to pick myself up - so I can still care for my Mother. If I cry or look sad in front of her - she starts yelling that I am having an nervous breakdown - its so very hard to put on a happy face - and pretend everything is just fine. Cause it really isn't just fine - anymore...........

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