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My name is Veronica and I am a Certified Nursing Assistant that cares for the elderly. I have been married for 39 years but in a sense for only 11years were we actually husband and wife. My husband was about 250pounds when we married and after his mom died he gained weight continuously. In the beginning he was still able to get around and do things for his self and gradually he stopped being able to reach this or that and he needed my help. He went thru a series of health issues and he continued to cook and eat and he had congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, lipodemia,and he blossomed to 900 lbs. Things were real bad he wasn't able work anymore or drive he couldn't fit in a car. I was a full blown caretaker for him, I bathed him and helped him with his daily needs. During this time he was in and out of the hospital to the point the staff at the hospital knew me on first name bases. In 2000 after a trip I had taken with my church my husbands leg had to be amputated because he got a infection in it and by the time they realized it that is all they could do in order to save him. He has not stood since then, he had to stay in the hospital over a month for them to try to heal the area and eventually he was sent to a nursing home for rehab. He lost about 400 lbs with the amputation of his leg. He was able to finally get it together and come home and that is when home health care would come in and give baths and change his catheter. They actually started coming around 1998 or before and has been with us every since. Well up until now he was able to be mobile in his motorized chair and get out of the house and give me a break but then his chair broke we were unable to get it fix and he has been bed bound causing me to really have to do everything. Before even though he was in the chair he was still able to cook and wash dishes and do little small things for me but now I have everything to do. He gets a disability check but I need to work to do other things so when I work I have to make sure I get his breakfast and lunch and have water there and everything he might need before I leave for work. Needless to say I am tired I have done this for so many years and he is so demanding now he wants me at his beckon call. I have to work somewhere and go in order to keep my sanity now it is so very overwhelming. This might be the site for me and it might not be God will reveal. I am better than I was a couple of weeks ago I was just ready to throw in the towel I had my fill thru the prayers of my friends I have found a peace again. Now I just pry for God's strength to see this to the end.

Veronica

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Welcome Veronica:

 

I am praying for your family too! I am just recovering from an illness and realize what a burden I have been – and self-centered! That makes it so hard on everyone else… After 39 years you must be exhausted – no doubt. I hear more than that in your posting and am concerned that you are losing yourself. I don’t know what kinds of resources are available in your area (or where you are for that matter) but it is time for you to reach out.

 

Have you checked into senior services in your area? I don’t know the logistics involved in getting around with your husband but it is one option for you to, hopefully, get some time to yourself. That is so very important – sometimes we get so wrapped in caregiving that we forget about ourselves. Yet there are so many ways to honor ourselves at no real cost such as breathing, meditating, reading a book, taking a walk, journaling, drinking hot chocolate, and watching the sun go down.

 

You have been through a lot with D.H. Veronica. He has been blessed with you. Now it is your turn to have the time you need to recover from the years of increasing expectations from you. Make up a list of the things you love(d) to do and pick one or two to make up your day. I hope that helps a little bit. Just know you are not alone and there are angels everywhere around you.

 

Love and Hugs, Glenda

Last edited by glenderella

Glenda it is so amazing how God works, just this morning during my quiet time that I am able to have at my job I thanked him for taking me back to the setting as a child. I loved walking in the woods and communing with him seeing the beauty of his nature, the job I am on now is in a country setting and I sit and look at the woods and I remember the peace that I would find in them and it is helping me to heal. You are right I was getting so bitter and angry because all along all I wanted is for my husband to be healed and be my husband; now it has gone to far and all I feel is used and abused. I love him but it is a different love I no longer have the desire to be intimate with him. He has no idea that he has destroyed that and I don't want the desire back now. I had started taking trips and doing things a couple of years ago but once again I am limited as to what I can do because I can't leave him alone. It is at the point that I resent him he lays in that bed and calls me repeatedly and expects me to jump at his every call. I am angry now. What I didn't say was I was in addiction for years and he definitely had me under his control then but now it has been around 15 years that I have been free from drugs and I have found myself again. Thank you for reaching out and feeling me and giving me the chance to express that which I was ashamed to admit or felt guilty to admit, I Am Somebody.

Veronica

Hi Veronica:

 

Yes you are! I am so happy to hear you are working in nature... It is healing.

 

I think emotions evolve over time which can be a good thing. Nothing stays the same that is for sure. One thing I want to share with you is a link to my sanity: http://spiritmuvmeditation.com...editation-challenge/ and let me know what you think. When my mind starts racing, I go to the home page and seek wisdom. 

 

Enjoy Veronica!

 

Love and Hugs, Glenda

Last edited by glenderella

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