Not sure what emotion this is........

Angel,
Someone once told me that "no time" is a good time to die. Whenever we loose someone ..it can be on their birthday, a holiday or when we are away...we still will feel remorse and guilt of some kind. This is the nature of the beast. Know that you did do all and gave all that you could during the time that was meant for you and your dad....he now knows that. Give yourself three hugs>>one from your dad, one from me and one from yourself.
Remember to take time to be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. I am just taking one day at a time. I have let go of all my guilt, I know what I did for my father, and so does he. That is all that really matters.
Hugs,
Robin

HI ROBIN, HAVE BEEN READING YOUR POSTS FOR A LONG TIME. SWEETIE, YOU DID SO MUCH FOR YOUR FATHER! NEVER FORGET THAT! I REALIZE IT MUST HURT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOUR DAD LEFT THE WORLD WITHOUT YOU. BUT, JUST AS A PART OF HIM STAYS HERE, IN YOUR HEART, A PART OF YOU WENT WITH HIM TOO, IN HIS HEART!
I WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE HOLDING MY MOTHERS HAND WHEN SHE LEFT THIS WORLD. NOW, I AT TIMES REGRET IT. BECAUSE MY FAMILY REFUSED TO LISTEN TO ME THAT THE END WAS NEAR, AND REFUSED TO STAY WITH HER AND I,THEY HAVE TOTALLY DISOWNED ME SINCE. I NEARLY HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! MY DAD IS NOW 95 YEARS OLD AND SOMEDAY WILL JOIN MY MOTHER. BECAUSE AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, MY DAD DIED THE SAME DAY AS MY MOTHER. AND I HAVE NO SIBLINGS EITHER, ALTHOUGH MY PARENTS NAMES ARE ON THEIR BIRTH CERTIFICATES ALSO! IT HAS TAKEN ME ALMOST 5 YEARS TO FEEL 'WORTHY' AGAIN AND I WILL NEVER EVER LET ANYONE BRING ME THAT FAR DOWN AGAIN, AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU. YOU HOLD THAT PRETTY LIL HEAD UP HIGH, AND KNOW THAT YOUR DAD IS LOOKING DOWN AT YOU WITH HIS HEART FULL OF LOVE FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!

(((Diane Marie)))
Thank you for your inspirational words and kindness. You are so right my friend, I have spoken the same words to other caregivers, yet I dont hear them until someone else says them to me. (did that make sense?) In other words I need to practice what I preach as well. As far as my siblings go, they were weeds I pulled out of my garden, I have thousands of new siblings right here, empowering me.
Big hugs,
Robin

You go girl!!!!!! My saying is- gotta wash that family right outta my mind. And it took me a long time, BUT I DID IT! And you can too. It took me a long hard look in the mirror, and I did not like the person that I LET them make me. So I turned that frown upside down, and geez, my Mom was right- I do have a beautiful smile.
Robin, feel this- (((((((( robin))))))))
You are a truly beautiful person, inside and out!!!!!

Robin:

I too have kept up with your postings for a long time. I haven't written on here in a while, but look at the post from time to time. I think what you are feeling is normal. I know if I was in your shoes I am SURE I would feel the same way. But in the same respect - please remember ALL that you did for your Dad, your Dad certainly knows how much you were there for him - and how much you love him. I was asleep when my Father died in the same room - I wasn't awake to hold his hand - but I believe that is NOT what he wanted, otherwise he would have died while I was awake. The same with your Dad, they know when its time to let go. I'll never forget the hospice nurse saying to me - they go when they are ready on their terms and nobody elses. So although you may regret not being there at the end, being there at the end would NEVER replace all the years that you were by his side loving him and watching out for his best interests and taking care of him. That is what matters in the end. Hugs, Janet

((Janet))
Hello dear friend. Thank you for your kind response. I think of you often, and hope you are doing well. I too, dont post much, but I do try to read how everyone is at least once a month. I still find this site a place of empowerment. I always feel better after I visit. You and everyone here are true angels.
Hugs friend,
Robin

Janet! How are you! And the baby? How is she? and how old now? and your mom? Is she doing ok?

All is ok by me...mom continues to decline...getting to a point now that I think it won't be long before she may be entering end stage..just very very sad...

I hope your life has improved and you are able to enjoy your little girl...be well
Miriam

Glad to hear from both Robin and Mimi. Things are ok here. I am sorry to hear that your Mom continues to decline. So hard to watch. How is your sister doing? Are you still able to take her out on weekends? I probably have my Mother alone about 6-8 days a month, the rest of the time I have a full time companion. Honestly I would NOT survive without her. I have difficulty making it the few days a month that I do have my Mother. Ever since getting pregnant I now NEED sleep - and with my Mother that typically isn't an option. My Mother LOVES the baby - although she is confused and believes there are THREE babies - but my biggest problem is my Mother gets VERY upset when the baby is moving and doesn't want her to get hurt. So most of the time its a decision of WHO I want crying - my Mother or the baby, cause when I confine the baby she cries and when I don't my Mother cries LOL!!! The baby is great - she was a year old on October 20th - hard to believe. She isn't walking yet but crawling and cruising like a champ. We have both been pretty sick the last month (we share & take turns). I think that my depression & anxiety have gotten worse - I just can't seem to pull it together like I used to. Even when I CAN leave the house I typically don't want to, although I do force myself out to take the baby to music class and for walks, but that's about it. My Mother, has good & bad days. I believe she has a UTI right now, but getting someone to come in and do a urine sample has been like pulling teeth. She has been extra confused lately and I don't believe its the Alzheimer's progressing. Her urine is cloudy with an odor and I am SURE its a UTI, but the Dr. won't perscribe an antibotic without a posistive reading and the visiting nurse hasn't been out here in 2 weeks!!!! They say they will get it on Tuesday - we shall see. I still feel "done" - and although I am NOT a 24/7 care-giver anymore, I still feel care-giver burnout. My Mother was also diagnosed with diabetes a few weeks ago, so we are getting "training" on how to manage that. Even when I have the companion here I make sure to eat all our meals with her - and spend time with her during the day. I did take a 5 day vacation in the summer to the NJ shore - it was WONDERFUL - and I am sorry to say, I didn't miss my Mother even a little bit. It was SUCH a relief not to have to tend to her every need and whim and tear - and BOY she cried A LOT when I was gone. So that is really what is going on with me. I am in somewhat of a better place than I was, but on the other hand seems worse - go figure. My Father has been gone 2 1/2 years now - I still think of him everyday. He was really the only person I could EVER depend on for anything and its HARD when YOU feel like you don't have anyone, but are respnsible for so many. I stress about that a lot too!!!! But thank goodness I have the companion - otherwise I don't know what I would do. I've tried substitute companions while the typical one is off - but my Mother HATES them all - the longest anyone has lasted was 4 hours. She becomes very MEAN and VIOLENT toward them. I may try again over the holidays, just cause I have 10 days straight with my Mother, and I cannot physically or mentally handle that. I need SLEEP LOL!!!! And my baby needs some freedom. Ok, enough about me - how are you?
Hugs, Janet

Dear Janet,
Gosh, I am SO happy for you, to finally have the help for your mom. I remember all the time you were caring full time for your mom. Caregiver burnout takes a long time to recover from; it's not an overnight recovery so I'm not surprised that you are still feeling the effects.

I realize anyone caring for a loved one has their share of stress. I can related to what you are feeling my friend. I think one needs to be angelic to be able to handle someone with Alzheimer's. My mom still has the some aide she had while living at my home. Mom continues to live at my sister's house and it has now been two years, can you believe it? My sister seems to be able to handle things much better than me, although her house is set up much better. My mom lives on the second floor, so my sister can go about her daily life while mom is upstairs with Urszula. My sister spends about two hours a day with mom, when the aide leaves at 4:30 until mom goes to bed at 6:30pm. My mom is so different in that respect than your mom, she LOVES to sleep. Seems like she's making up for all the years that she wasn't able to sleep. She stays in bed from 6:30 at night until 10 or 11 the next morning.

Yes, I continue to pick up my mom, but not for the whole weekend. I spend Sundays with my mom and it is becoming more and more difficult. She does want to be with me but then repeatedly tells me she wants to go home. I try not to listen to it, which is hard. I still take her to get a pedicure and then take her out for coffee, and take her back to my house to see my dogs, which she just loves and then take her out for dinner, so we spend about 7 hours together and sadly, the second I drop her off, she's forgotten everything. I will never be able to really wrap my head around this disease. As much as she has declined, she continues to be aware that she's losing her mind, which is probably the most difficult thing for me to handle.

I cannot believe your little girl is a year old! You sound happy, Janet and I'm very, very happy for you!!

Warm regards,
Miriam

Hi Robin..

I am so happy to hear you are working through your feelings of guilt..I dealt with sort of the same thing with both my parents..I did say bye to each of them but wasn't with either of them at "the" time..
I believe when we open up our hearts, our lives and our homes to care for a loved one, and do our very best..that they know this and would want us not to get caught up in guilt for whatever reasons we have for not being there at the very end..
As for siblings, I'm an only child but has been and still am observing the large family my husband has, in regards to their parents illnesses and needing more help and...some days is glad I am an only child..lol..
take care...
prairiegal