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When we talk of compassion, forgiveness, understanding, selflessly serving others without thought of reward, of exorcising the demons within ourselves, well, to me it sounds like the love and teachings of Jesus Christ, and that is what I would like to ask some help on here. I have never fully committed to being a Christian and yet I have always prayed to Jesus Christ, and on many occasions I have seen immediate results and I am sure those of you who do believe in the Lord know exactly what I am speaking of for you no doubt had the same experiences.
I used to get intense panic attacks and one morning I was walking our son to school when he was in second or third grade and right there in the street a panic attack started to come over me and in my terror quickly said a prayer to Jesus, a short one, begging for help, and I know many would call this a coincidence, but I swear that two clouds at that moment parted in the sky and a light came though them and I was instantly calmed in a moment and was able to proceed to school with my son. It never left my mind as you can see.
I have never felt worthy enough to become a Christian even though I understand the concept of sins being forgiven and just accepting Jesus Christ as one's lord. Of course just because our sins are forgiven through the sacrificed blood of Jesus doesn't mean we should commit them over and over again, but sins are forgiven.
I guess I need to go back in time here, way back. I grew up in a Jewish household with a mother, who was born Catholic but converted to my father's faith who was Jewish to the end mumbling Yiddish prayers on his death bed. I had a brother who was vehemently anti-Christian for as long as I can remember. He used to say that the New Testament was nothing but anti-semitic garbage. It was a constant rant with him for years and he said terrible things like if Jesus even appears again the Jews will crucify him again. He wanted to go to Israel at one time after high school and work on a Kibbutz. He was a fanatic. I think my brother got that way during our father's illness and death. One time in a store he went up to a young girl wearing a crucifix and flicked it with his finger as if he were flicking off a piece of snot that he just picked out of his nose. He said to her what are you wearing this for? He should have been arrested for that. Well, there are many examples and he also scorned any type of sensitivity so he was always down on me for such things as writing poetry for example.

When I was a kid I used to sneak off to Catholic church with my best friend at the time. We had left the Jewish section of Brooklyn to come to southern California when I was young where I grew up in an Italian neighborhood, so going to church with my friend who was Italian seemed like a natural thing to do. I didn't experience the persecution that my brother seemed to think every Christian had toward Jews.

Years later I began carrying around a New Testament and once again came under criticism and ridicule from my older brother. My sister-in-law tried to defend me saying well he, referring to me, might be interested in the New Testament as a book and my brother said, O no, I saw him reading it reverently!! Now I sleep with a New testament by my headstand where I sleep. I admit I don't open it to read that much, but I find comfort to have it near as I do of a prayer to St. Jude.

I guess I will always be in a state of limbo. Faith is not an easy thing for me to come by. I guess I read too many other books as well, but I do know that Jesus is the one I turn to and the fact that my wife is such a devote Catholic and such a shining example of the life that Jesus lived and preached, well, at the very least that is something that has to come by the grace of God and she is my role model in so many ways.

I know very little about Jesus but I think he is the supreme example of being a caregiver in every single aspect you can name and he taught by example as well and not just with words, and after all, he is our caregiver in this life and the life to come if we might accept him as our savior. What better example than Jesus who always forgives us our sins, always with open arms to accept us back into the fold when we have strayed, and giving his precious and sacred blood on the cross for each and every one of us if only we accept him as savior.

As hard and difficult as it might be to be a caregiver, I believe the more we try to emulate the Lord Jesus Christ, the closer we will come to filfulling our calling as caregivers in the best of ways. What can't we give considering that Jesus suffered for us and gave his precious blood for us on the cross?

I do apologize if I have cast blame, for now I remember these words of Jesus, "Let him who has not sinned cast the first stone". It's all there in the New Testament and no where else and the sooner one realizes that the better off one along with those who that person comes in contact with. If only the whole world was Christian imagine what a paradise it would be. Well, someday it will be! I think a line in a Bob Dylan song puts in very well which goes, "You're gonna have to serve somebody, it might be the devil or it might be the Lord, but you gonna have to serve somebody."

The choice is ours. Thanks for reading.

May the lord bless you all.

mick
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