Came to a realisation. I've been rather morose over these past weeks and I couldn't quite pin point why. The elusive reason finally came into my sights on Sunday, I overheard another women gushing about the fact she was having a little girl to her friend and you wouldn't believe the pain I felt! it was quite something, I had to admit that my feelings were all stemming from not having a choice to remain without children.
Now why would I think such a thing? There was a list in my head as to why I didn't want children (I didn't feel ready, etc) and then there is the list of why I can't. (Can't afford to feed another person, work issues, space issues....) and the second list was longer than the first, so in that respect I was feeling like it was no longer my choice, but something forced upon me because of circumstances.
I off loaded to hubby, explaining my lists thing... and that I don't want to have regret when I'm 35-40 and I don't have children and i look back and i feel it wasn't my choice. We were both happy until now to just be the two of us, we're only recently married so that isn't surprising. Hubby though does want children he was just waiting until i felt ready.
So we made the decision to plan our first child for when I'm around 30. (thats about a year away). In the meantime I'll be improving my general health, I'm anemic and that does worry me, but iron supplements and loads of Vit C can help that. The baby fund will also start this year.
Guess what? I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I suddenly feel happy and hopeful again. I've learnt another vital lesson, I shouldn't allow my life to control me, I control my life. Funny how that took me so long... but anyway, at least I got there!