Dear Melinda,
Thank you very much for sharing your beautiful poem with me. You obviously wrote it right from your heart.
Over the past four years, I have spent many hours reading as much as I am able concerning dementia and Alzheimer's to try and have a better understanding of the disease, to better understand what my mom is going through and yet, when I'm with her, I still become so upset seeing what is and has happened to her. I think a lot of people are under the misconception that Alzheimer's just takes away memories when in fact, it destroys so much more and can actually change a person's personality. Fortunately for me, my mom's personality has changed for the better; she's a much warmer, more loving person now, which is certainly easly to be with, and yet so confusing, because honestly, my mother wasn't a warm or a very nice person. I've mentioned before, she is a holocaust survivor, having gone through slave labor in ten labor camps over a three year period. I understand that an experience like that can change someone's personality, can take away their heart and soul and that is what happened to her, leaving someone filled with rage and resentment and sadly, she took that rage out on her children. No, it's not her fault, but we still had to live with it our entire lives. Now, as an adult, nearly a senior, I am coming to terms with the verbal and physical abuse and all the hateful manipulation. In some crazy way, Alzheimer's is a gift in that it has given me a loving, caring mother and the gift to her is she now has no memory of her time in the camps, something that had haunted her for over 50 years.
My mother is extremely needy now, very insecure, all part of the disease. If it were up to her, she'd have her 3 daughters by her side 24/7 and her life would be complete, but then again, that is all she ever wanted. It didn't matter whether we had a life, or if our lives were happy, as long as we were available to her and took care of her. I have actually been taking care of my mom since I was 13, when my dad died. I can't do it any longer. Once she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I took her into my home and lovingly cared for her for a year, but it affected my health to a point where I simply couldn't do it any longer. Now, it's taken me almost two years to get myself back to a healthy state. I work full time, Mon - Sat, and I am with my mom every other Sunday, with my other sister being with her on the alternate Sundays. That is all I can do right now.
Melinda, I know what you're feeling. I understand the heart of the caregiver, because I did it, even though it was only for a year, I know what it feels like to be the one who is 24/7, who has no one else to depend on, who spends hours and days with the Alzheimer patient, listening to the same words repeated over and over, the same questions, the blank expression on their faces, cleaning up potty accidents, helping them out of the chair, across a room, up the stairs, changing their clothing, putting them to bed, giving them a shower, making meals. I did it all, so I do understand what you are feeling. I've come to realize that some people are somehow able to manage the care and still able to care for themselves. There are some of us that simply cannot. When I've had this discussion with my sister, her response has been "well, I just let it roll off my back"...I guess that's the basic difference...I never could let it roll off my back...I took it all to heart, literally, and ended up with angioplasty and a stent placed...
Again, thank you for sharing your heartfelt poetry,
Miriam (MIMI)