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Subject: RE: MOTHER DYING-KIDNEY FAILURE

Email: PGstclair1@aol.com

Message:

I am relatively knew to this - have been primary care-giver to my mother for 4 1/2 months. She is dying of kidney failure and congestive heart failure, and has taken a drastic turn for the worse in the past 2 days. Her doctor is starting her on liquid morphine as of this Friday (4/9/99). I can deal with the vomiting...the lack of appetite (she tries so hard to eat)....the inability to DO anything constructive through the day....the long naps that seem to lengthen as time goes one...anything except the mental slippage which is happening more and more. She still knows my husband and I, but is beginning to talk of things foreign to all of us, and doesn't remember the incidents afterwards. I am still running a paralegal business out of my home so I can be at her beck and call 24 hours a day, and my boss is quite considerate any time I can't take a phone call.

But I have been virtually home-bound for 4 1/2 months, and have even lost the desire to go anywhere myself. My husband travels in his job, so I am alone with Mother quite regularly, and she is at the point where the least little exertion causes her to need oxygen (we have the little portable tanks). So I stop several times a day and hook her up. She is sooo very patient but this deterioration is so hard on HER, as she is losing her dignity and self-esteem and the effect it's having on me is at times unbearable. I cry several times a day mainly out of frustration and also after watching her try to struggle with different small tasks that normally come as second nature to her.

I have handled all of this pretty well up until this week, but find I am breaking down several times daily and don't want her to see what I am going through as it just upsets her more. How do I learn to deal with my loss - even though I am quite comfortable with where she is going when her soul leaves this earth? I do feel at times like I am losing my mind that this is happening to someone else - surely not to me. I need help from someone and I don't know who, for anyone who has been a caregiver would laugh at the amount of time I've been involved in this to be already letting it "get to me" as it is.

The closeness between Mom and I is the problem, and if I didn't love her so very much I could let go so I will close for now.
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Subject: MOTHER DYING-KIDNEY FAILURE

Email: PGstclair1@aol.com

Message:

Hello Patti,

I am so sorry to hear that you are slowly losing your mother .I am sure you were going to post here, but for some error, you post did not come through. You might want to respond again when you have some time..

Blessings to you and your mother.

In Love & Light,
Gail
Subject: RE: MOTHER DYING-KIDNEY FAILURE

Message:

Hi Patti,

sorry for thE misunderstanding....I thought you had written something besides posting the topic. The boards are relatively new at my site, so I am including some links to more active boards for kidney related issues from the better health forum, other areas on aol and from the internet in general for you to view....hope you will find more support that you are reaching out for.

Kidney, Urinary Tract Disorders - aol://5863:126/mB:109633

*Important Community Notice* - aol://5863:126/mB:134872

Kidney Failure & Dialysis - aol://5863:126/mB:109621

Kidney and Urinary Concerns Chats - aol://4344:308.cht_urin.6951752.580254491

Kidney Failure - aol://4344:1655.urifail.12411733.557080017

Better health Search Results for "kidney failurE - http://search.ivillage.com/cgi...Template=bh_return.h ts&Theme=Simple&Company=The+Women%27s+Network&Collection=Better+Health+and+Medical+Network&queryText =kidney+failure&cmd.x=14&cmd.y=11&Collection=Bette r+Health+and+Medical+Network
http://boards.betterhealth.com.../boards/bhcaregivers
http://boards.betterhealth.com.../boards/bhcaregivers
http://auth.ivillage.com/cgi-bin/betterhealth/whic h_login.cgi?room_name=/world/rooms/cancer
http://auth.ivillage.com/cgi-b.../world/rooms/healtha

Caregivers' Support & the Elderly - aol://5863:126/mB:127373

Kidney & Urinary Tract Disorders - aol://4344:1655.uriweb.12411693.557075184

I do hope that this will help you Patti. It is a good start at least, to begin with. Blessings to you in all you are doing.

In Love & Light

Gail
Subject: RE: MOTHER DYING-KIDNEY FAILURE

Message:

HELLO PATTI, forgive me if I type in between the lines of your email. It is a lot easier for me and saves me a great deal of time of the overwhelming amounts of email I respond to. It is so horribly cruel and painful to hear this type of prognosis for anyone. Unfortunately, the prognosis isn't always the one we had hoped for. I am so sorry that this is the situation in your case. It is very difficult to feel so helpless and not be able to help our parents who we love. It brings back the feelings of helplessness I experienced when the doctors could no longer help my dad, except for palliative care, to help keep the quality of his life up until his time was concluded on this plane.

I am not a professional by any means. I can only speak from my heart and experiences. I do know, that when certain systems are no longer functioning properly, that the rest of the body slowly begins to close down. One of the conditions that arise is the not eating, I believe because there is no way to process it. I like you tried to force my dad, but hopefully you will begin to understand that it is part of the process.. Part of what we also need to learn as caregivers to our loved ones is acceptance.....this is a huge challenge for all of us. Yes, when the body doesn't get the nutrients that it needs to remain in optimum functioning levels, many other symptoms arise...My mother, only last spring, was suffering from a salt deficiency in which she almost died. She was delirious for days...had some long term memory but to date remembers nothing short term that occurred in that one week period. I am so sorry you have to go through it this way.

Last night I spent about a half hour gathering the links for you to check out. There is not that much specifically related to kidney failure....However, I would like to share with you that many of the caregiver boards will have others who can support you as well. The condition doesn't necessarily have to be kidney failure, but the majority can relate to the feelings of hopelessness you are facing. Most have already been there.....when you can't do anything, it is the same no matter what the circumstances are, so you might want to post in these areas as well.

Yes conveying to our parent's generation that we care for them out of love is a difficult concept for them to grasp. They were brought up to believe that you took care of your parents because it was the right thing to do. hey cared for their parents more due to feelings of responsibility and obligation with a little love mixed in....Many times, there was resentment or mixed feelings of love. It is definitely a generation thing in terms of comprehension. To date, my mom is always saying that she doesn't want to be a burden.

If you would like to include your mother's name in our healing circle which appears in the Empowering Caregivers newsletter as it goes out to members and is included at the Empowering Caregivers site, I would be very happy to do so.

Patti, please don't think me rude, in the way that I have expressed myself. It is a horrible challenge that we go through. The best that we can do is to love our parents unconditionally and help to maintain the quality of their life as much as we can. The only person we have complete and utter control over is ourselves. Your mom is in the hands of God, or that higher source and the strength of her will. May her journey be easy and gentle. Blessings to you in all you are doing. You are a very special soul and your mom is very blessed to have you caring for her.
In Love & Light,
Gail
Subject: RE: MOTHER DYING-KIDNEY FAILURE

Email: grm4love@care-givers.com

Message:

Dear Patti

You and your mom have both been in my prayers and thoughts. As I had mentioned before, your mom's body is beginning to close down. Unfortunately, all the symptoms she is experiencing are how the body begins the closure process.

I suggest that if you get this letter before you visit the doctor tomorrow that you request your doctor provide you with a full time nurse until her time to leave...or some assistance with someone who is knowledgeable about the dying process...someone who can not only be there for your mom but be there to support you emotionally in what you are going through. I don't want to assume anything, but it does sound like her passing will be close....I am not a doctor or a professional with knowledge on this so you must speak directly to your doctor and demand that he provide you with the support that you need at this time, at whatever cost it is...ask him to give you as much info and details and what you can expect from her dying process....the stages and what it will be like so that you don't panic.

The slow buildup of morphine in the system, will affect her mental deterioration as well. Also, from my experience with my dad and others, as the body truly closes, down, the soul detaches from the worldly plane in order to prepare for it's transition. I for one, believe the soul lives on....so, if this is anywhere in your realm of consciousness, your mother may be receiving guidance from those who were close to her who are on the other side, helping her to make this transition.

This is something we have so little knowledge and information about. Medical doctors aren't always willing to speak on these issues even if they believe the soul lives on. Do not, and I repeat this, please do not beat yourself up for crying...you are going through a tremendously difficult and painful period of time for yourself....one that is facing loss, grieving, hope, helplessness, and many more mixed feelings. Crying is a normal release ....and healthy at that.....i cried more than you can imagine.....just keep releasing and letting these fears, sadness and other emotions pass through you with the cleansing of these tears.

I also firmly believe that no matter how much preparation we have done to face the different experiences that arise during these final stages...it is never enough....it is not set...each experience is unique to everyone who is involved. You need to have a support group offline as well as online, especially after she passes....I don't know how much time is really left.

I do want you to know that there is a chat that I am hosting this evening, in the better health forum....at 8PM....to get to it, just go to keyword: and type in BH CHAT and scroll through today's chats to 8pm to the Empowering Caregivers chat in the mutual support lounge....i think that this would be very important for you to be present so that by reaching out, others in the group will offer their love and support to you. Please try to be there...if you have difficulty getting to the chatroom...IM me in the name of BHOSTGRMLV and I will send you a link to transport you directly.

Patti, I don't know what more I can say ....I am reliving some of what I went through with my dad as I am writing this to you.....Just know that you are being guided.....that your love has, is and will always continue to be felt by your mother's soul, as you will feel hers. You and your mother are both in my heart and prayers.

LOVE & LIGHT,
GAIL
Subject: RE: MOTHER DYING-KIDNEY FAILURE

Message:

Patti,



I'm sorry to hear of your Mom's medical condition and the pain you are experiencing. Take comfort that you are able to be with her as she goes through this. I believe a child's presence is comforting and even if she reaches a point where she doesn't recognize you verbally I believe her spirit will always be comforted and know you are there.

I am presently experiencing the loss of my father who I just placed in Hospice on Thursday. He is 82 and has stomach cancer and kidney failure and has just developed pneumonia. Something Gail said struck home to me. It doesn't matter what the medical cause, the issue is losing your parent and feeling that helplessness. I have held back my pain and emotions because I was afraid to feel them. Then when least expected I sobbed uncontrolled. I try never to cry in front of Dad but he knows what I'm feeling because he knows me. I believe your Mom knows you are a tender loving child who is hurting and would accept the red stained eyes. Your Mom understands.

I'm sending you all the warmth and love possible in my thoughts and if I were with you I'd sit down and cry with you. You may feel alone and too overwhelmed to get support. If you haven't explored Hospice you may want to look into it if available in your area. They support not only the individual but the family as well. I hope you can find some peace each day to help you through this.

Sincerely,

Dimar
Subject: RE: MOTHER DYING-KIDNEY FAILURE

Email: grm4love@care-givers.com

Message:

Hello Dimar,

I tried to respond to you the other day through an email, however your address came back undelivered. I am sorry to hear about your dad...I know that it must be extremely difficult for you. I do believe our loved one's soul recognizes us no matter what the condition or situation is. It is so good to know that Hospice is supporting you and your dad....Hospice is one of the greatest gift a caregiver and carerecipient can open themselves to receiving. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

If you care to put your father's name into our healing circle, please let me know. Prayers bring healing and love on many different levels. God Bless you in all you are doing.

IN LOVE & LIGHT

GAIL


I can understand your situation, while having loads of treatments out there; you were not able to save your mother’s life. Kidney diseases show various symptoms in early stage, so having rapid diagnosis and treatment might help you to get rid of it. If someone is facing any kind of kidney problem symptoms then they should talk to their doctor or make an appointment with the professionals of kidney clinics such as Justsavelives and Mayoclinic who can provide and analyze the actual cause and best course of treatment for it.

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