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Hi everyone

I've haven't posted in awhile, but I check the board each day. I really need to decompress, ma is in relapse again. Everytime it happens I don't think I'll survive another one, but I end up doing just that.

At the moment ma has some really peculiar sores on the back of her leg, right in a place that you can't see. I have to use a mirror to see what I'm doing trying to clean them with antiseptic and dress them. I have no idea how these sores came about. I had a nurse look at them and she said all I can do is keep them clean and keep changing the dressings, they will heal.

When ma is doing okay she can do quite a bit for herself, like dress and wash herself sitting down, when she is in relapse I have to do that for her. Yesterday she complained that she feels so dirty and she hasn't changed her clothes that day. I ask her why doesn't she tell me?? She needs to let me know when she needs my help, she says she doesn't want to bother me (am I such a monster?) Anyway, I get the dish into her room and we get her washed and change her clothes, it's not that hard - but she's depressed as well so everything is just too much for her etc...she doesn't want to even try. Which makes it doubly hard for me because I first have to motivate her and then we can get on with it. Its all just totally draining.

Helping her get into bed is another story in itself. She weighs much more than I do, I'm a slight 52kg's, and I have to hold her weight for several minutes to get her in. I go to bed and lay there in pain while my back screams at me.

It's these times that I think about finding a good care facility or something because I don't see myself coping with this long term. I can only take one day at a time. The word 'home'is enough to send my mother into suicidal depressions so I have to be careful. On the other hand killing myself in the process won't help anything because then there will be no-one to take care of her.

Since this started in 2001, I've seen my mom deteriorate, the physical and the mental. All in all I just miss my mother.

Love to all, wishing you all strength and endurance.


May the best ye've ever seen, Be the warst ye'll ever see. May the moose ne'er lea' yer aumrie Wi' a tear-drap in his e'e. May ye aye keep hail an' hertie,Till ye're auld eneuch tae dee. May ye aye be jist as happy, As we wiss ye noo tae be.

May the best you've ever seen, Be the worst you'll ever see. May the mouse never leave your pantry With a tear-drop in his eye. May you always keep healthy and hearty Until you're old enough to die. May you always be just as happy As we wish you now to be.)

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Hi, Asiza.

Good to hear from you. Sorry your mother is in relaspe. She is so lucky to have you there to provide such loving care.

Talk to the nurse about strategies for moving your mom. Around here it's called "transfer skills." If there is a great size difference, you may be able to get a lift device to help save your back.

Hang in there, Sweetie, and please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Love n hugs,
Hello Aziza,

Barb has given you some sound advice with learning about transfer skills... you said it yourself, if something were to happen to you.. who would care for her? This is something you must discuss with your mother seriously just in this fashion.. she knows it isn't because you don't care or don't love her... if she tries to make you feel guilty... ask her how she would juggle it all if the situation was reversed? Get her to actively participate in finding a solution that would work best for both of you.

please keep us posted..

blessings angel

I have just recently started caring for my mother full time. I really need some advice on what to expect. She gets so short with my grandkids and I know she prefers my sisters kids to mine but I am the only one willing to take her in. I try not to let it get me down but I am on pins and needles any time the kids come over. I guess I should back track a little, I sold my old house and built a new one so that mom could live with me. She is 85 and in fairly good health but does have rectal cancer which requires alot of cleanup. I am single and have 5 children and 8 grand children, my youngest is in college and comes home about once a month which is a whole other story. I guess I have vented enough for now but I don't know anyone personally in my situation. debijp
Welcome debijp

Unfortunately to begin giving you advice as to what to expect cannot be done briefly in a response here at the boards. There are hundreds of articles here at the site specifically on the general issues of caregiving... there are also thousands of posts that you can skim for or search through in asking.

There are also excellent books written on the subject. Perhaps you can voice one or two questions at a time and others will be able to respond as well.

I imagine that you built your house with your own funds. If you used any of your mothers, she may have her own expectations of what is expected. Even without her funds being used, depending on her age, how she cared for her parents, she may have her own expectations.. It's a huge undertaking. Why didn't your siblings want to do it.

If possible, I would also have a family meeting.. if all can't be present in person, do it on the phone or through skype on the computer.. Try to get your mother to share what her needs and desires are truly about. the more effectively that you can communicate your own needs with all your children, grandchildren etc and establish some boundaries, the better off you will be.

If your mother is able to move about with ease, perhaps she should be attending some senior centers or adult day care centers so she can be around others and socialize.

If she can't, there may be volunteer programs in your area where they can come out to assist you and her or to just be with her...

let us know more details and questions...

richest blessings
Hi, Debi

Welcome. You've found a good place to get support as you travel the caregiver journey. For starters, you will want to find resources in your community for elder care. Contact your area council on aging, or similar agency to find out what's available. Also any cancer support group in your area - they are for family members, too. You don't sound terribly stressed, which is good. The recurring theme you will find here is that you need to care for yourself in order to care for your loved one.

Please keep us posted. We're here for you.


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