I've haven't posted in awhile, but I check the board each day. I really need to decompress, ma is in relapse again. Everytime it happens I don't think I'll survive another one, but I end up doing just that.
At the moment ma has some really peculiar sores on the back of her leg, right in a place that you can't see. I have to use a mirror to see what I'm doing trying to clean them with antiseptic and dress them. I have no idea how these sores came about. I had a nurse look at them and she said all I can do is keep them clean and keep changing the dressings, they will heal.
When ma is doing okay she can do quite a bit for herself, like dress and wash herself sitting down, when she is in relapse I have to do that for her. Yesterday she complained that she feels so dirty and she hasn't changed her clothes that day. I ask her why doesn't she tell me?? She needs to let me know when she needs my help, she says she doesn't want to bother me (am I such a monster?) Anyway, I get the dish into her room and we get her washed and change her clothes, it's not that hard - but she's depressed as well so everything is just too much for her etc...she doesn't want to even try. Which makes it doubly hard for me because I first have to motivate her and then we can get on with it. Its all just totally draining.
Helping her get into bed is another story in itself. She weighs much more than I do, I'm a slight 52kg's, and I have to hold her weight for several minutes to get her in. I go to bed and lay there in pain while my back screams at me.
It's these times that I think about finding a good care facility or something because I don't see myself coping with this long term. I can only take one day at a time. The word 'home'is enough to send my mother into suicidal depressions so I have to be careful. On the other hand killing myself in the process won't help anything because then there will be no-one to take care of her.
Since this started in 2001, I've seen my mom deteriorate, the physical and the mental. All in all I just miss my mother.
Love to all, wishing you all strength and endurance.