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Hello Angels,

Thought for sure my caregiving days were over, when mom and siblings placed my father in a Nursing home during a much needed respite. Lost my father last May 2, still trying to cope with the loss, being I was out of the country when he passed, and preparing to leave in August to attend the University of Wales, my lifelong dream. It is with my husband and childrens blessing and lots of support from my family in Wales and now it seems my assistance is needed for my mother.
Although my relationship with my mother has been strained, I continue to keep the lines of communication open with her, as my siblings do not inform me of her health or hospital stays. Last year and the year before she had two major surgeries that I knew nothing about.
Well, to sum up the situation at hand, my mother has now been diagnosed with bone cancer, and she is in extreme pain. Not one of my siblings informed me of her trips to the hospital, she lives alone, and she contacted THEM and has the doctor contacting THEM with her situation. I made a trip up to be with her yesterday, stayed with her all day, caring for her, and stayed with her during her testings. Never saw my siblings at all. I told her that my hands have been tied for years in her healthcare, as she made the decision to have my siblings over me, I can only do so much, and that this is cruel to leave me hanging in the cold, with worry, on what is going on with her. She of course is the number one inabler(sp).
At the end of the day, she contacted my siblings to let them know that she wanted me to handle the medical aspect of what life she has left, and that she wants to die in her home. I was not looking to have control over her healthcare, just wanted to be abreast of it. Anyway, now that I have it once again, I want to be sure all the ducks are in place so that if she is still here when I go to Wales, (where my mother is from)I will know I have done my best for her.
I am inquiring about Hospice as I type this, finding out more about it. My biggest concern is financial as most of us are, and wondered if and how much does Medicare cover the care. The situation at hand, mom lives alone. Thank you to all of you who truly earn your wings everyday!
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Dear Robin:

Only you can decide what to do in the long run... You have a future ahead of you but your mother is suffering from cancer. What do you do? Maybe the siblings should take care of mom while you go to Wales... There are dynamics that might not be good for you in the long run but, if you must, take care....

I can relate to the dynamics of "being there" or "doing your best". But do take care of yourself whatevever your decision...

Hugs, Glenda
Hello dear Glenda,
Thank you for your response. Yes, for sure I will be taking care of me first, what is best for me. I have learned some very hard lessons these last few years. One being to protect me at all times. I have now accepted who my mother is, and will continue to love her as my mother. The sibling situation, another story, they made my decision for me.
I will do what I can for my mother until I go, my siblings will continue to not do for her, and when I do leave to pursue my dream, I will be going with her blessing.
I am sorry to hear about your mother, and regarding siblings I don't know why that everyone can't come together (not just speaking of your situation) and help each other. I have the same thing my Dad died in July and my mom has been in the hospital 8 times that I knew nothing about because she didn't want to worry me. My brother brings her over and she is a skelaton (sp) with skin. She was staying with me and ended up in the hospital but I inform them of how she is doing because I think it is the right thing to do.

As far as your situation you have to do what is right for you.
Hi, Robin.

When I first read your post, I couldn't even think how to respond. I really admire that you would step up at this time after the way your family has treated you.

Getting ducks in a row. I had a boss one time who's motto was to be like a duck... calm on the surface, but paddling like mad underneath. That's the image I get when I think of your situation. At that time I was an inverted duck - flailing around, not getting much done... like Donald Duck... having a "duck fit." Okay, enough imagery for now.

Take care, dear Angel. We're here for you.

Love n hugs,
Hello Barb and Donna,
Thank you for your responses. I stopped asking the question WHY. I dont care why my siblings dont care, help, or treat me, and my mom the way they do. That is their issues that they have to live with, there isnt anything I can do but be true to myself.
Still waiting for the biopsy reports to give a true diagnosis for mom, and happy that I am now able to keep abreast of her health once again. If only my siblings kept me informed, but they dont, and didnt. My mom no matter what she has or hasnt done, does not deserve to be alone.
Hugs friends,

[This message has been edited by angel437 (edited 04-10-2008).]
Hello Robin...

any news yet about the tests? I am truly sorry to hear about your mother.. she was not doing well when your father was ill. I know that while you may not like her, you love her as she is your mother.. you have forgiven so much and healed on many levels.

It sounds as if you have everything in the proper perspective.

Kudos on going to school overseas.. for hubby and children to support you... and for your family members to open their hearts to receiving you is a blessed gift...

please keep us posted... take care

Hello Gail,
Yes, actually just this week got the biopsy back. Good news, not bone cancer. One less hurdle to conquer. However, mom has a fractured pelvis, hip, 2 herniated discs, and compressed fracture of the spine. She still in agony. Hasn't walked in 2 weeks. Her diabetes and blood pressure is out of control as well. Had an epideral yesterday, and today she was placed in a Rehab.
Although this is for sure a struggle to stay on neutral ground, I am finding it difficult to keep quiet with these siblings and their lack of assistance, and their cruelness toward my mother. As for the way they treat me, I dont care, but my mom cries so much and I am to be honest tired of hearing it, what they do, dont do, say, dont say, etc. I am however, keeping my mouth zipped.
I am very excited about my new journey. A dream finally coming true.
Hope you are doing well dear friend.

[This message has been edited by angel437 (edited 04-19-2008).]

It truly is wonderful news that it isn't bone cancer.. you must be totally relieved on many levels.

I was thinking when I read this post, that now may be a good time to finally clear the air and share all your own feelings with your mother about her treatment etc in a positive way.. let her know that you want to help in your own way but tell her that you just aren't willing to hear her whine and complain about your siblings.. tell her you want to take the relationship to a different level and that these are your terms as you need to set boundaries for yourself... explain to her that you need her to understand and support you if you are to continue caring for her.

I am wondering what your thoughts are... I think it could be very empowering for you....

take care

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