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Im so mixed up been taking care of mom for ten yrs now and tired frustrated hve anger married but feels like we are room mates meaning cannot do much for taking care of mom On agencys done spent ninety thousand dollars for so called caregivers now just me and not doing good job at all  also really hard mom is 100 percent bed nound considered skilled nursing care plz feel free to send words of help or kindness have no one to really talk with thanks

  
  

sandy

 

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Hello Sundra Ann:

 

Welcome to the boards... 

 

Goodness, you deserve a gold medal for caring for your mother for ten years. It is no wonder that you have such feelings - you are surely overwhelmed with a bed-bound mom. You do need help in such a situation.

 

I wonder what are some of the details of your mother's health and such? I know care-giver companies can be expensive but many do have some sort of nursing staff. Does she have a doctor that can assist you with some sort of care giving plan? It might be worth a call and see what the doctor may say. There also may be resources available through the local senior programs or through the local churches that the doctor could refer you to.

 

Meanwhile, take a deep breath and exhale. Listen to some music or walk outside and listen to the birds chirp for a little while. Open up to the love in the universe and know you are not alone. 

 

Hugs, Glenda

 

Glenderella good morning first want to say thank you for writing me back not sure how to leave private message so gonna try this, let me no. Ok now my Mom no she is home well actually I have apartment in her home have for over 13 years husband and I course marriage due to situtation in not doing good. course Mom does not think she is home I give up ion that one. Shenstarted out with lung cancer if not treated gve her 3 months to live she beat that then theu throw at me to do radition just a s a precaution because when lung cancer if returns goes to brain so thats what we did which now mistake because well first ket me tell you she had radition 14DAYS NOT ONCE BUT TWICE A DAY HOW STUPID WAS I NOT TO NO THAT WAS TO MUCH THEY BURNT HER BRAIN UP so here we are outcome of the begininng over ten yrs ago with pd dementia and 100 percent bed ridden . 

what a story ugh and now s of 2 yrs ago drs told me she was going to pass at one point became so weak so been in and out of hospice since then another thing I did wrong I should of put her in a rehab but no I listened to them brought her home to what live in a bed she has now been in a bed for one year and 7 months and the only thing only that I can say Im proud and grateful for is SHE HAS NO BEDSORES other then that full of anger frustrated hatred sadness hopeless cry alot that what I got out of caregiving.Like I said been ten yrs spent ninety thousand dollars cash for caregivers Im getting ready to write mayor of my county I need help and not use to asking for help, also this is a rel kicker  I CANNOT BELIEVE SINCE PPL NO ABOUT HER DEMENTIA NO ONE NO ONE NO FRIENDS OR RELATIVES NO PHONE RINGING HER FRIENDS SO CALLED FRIENDS COMES AROUND. I FEEL LIKE SINCE THATS TRUE I FEEL MOM AND I HAVE A CONTIAGIOUS DISEASE OR SOMETHING talking bout feeling isolated!So everyday I hv same thoughts so hope and helpless never had chance to build a marriage she is 24hr care most of the time   say wts the since .to point of screaming and every morning when i open my eyes i use to thank god for that now i look at the camera I have cameras set up so look at that and sad to say IM so tired and sad dt feel like walking up the steps to don what all needs to be done. So seems like just a hopless situtation and I vcannot bring myself to put her in nursing home how or where does money come from for that. So I hope you are ok done rattled my issues off enough,but dont no your story to much but thank you so so much for talking I dont have no onre to talk to ppl I use to talk with are gone,Dad passed lung cancer 2yrs later Brother found dead in garage 2yrs later mom lung cancer and when I was younger I was the one in family that was sick. Hope to her from you take care hv great day

Good Morning Sundra Ann:

 

You have really been thrown into the middle of the end, haven't you? I must say that in the best of situations, it is difficult but going through hospice and surviving cancer does something to the care-giver. It's like every day you wake up in fear that you might find them "gone"... That is a very hard way to start every day and it does wear on a care-giver! I think there may be a point where a person becomes somewhat numb because it is so emotionally overwhelming. Especially when, in addition, you lose your father and brother - I am so sorry!

 

Definitely I think you need some help and hope at this point. I know that, in the past, we have referred caregivers to Faith in Action and so I googled it to find this link: http://74.220.207.190/~fiawsorg/ This link is for the West Sound which is in Washington State so it may take some research to find it in your area. However, there are links on the left side for Senior Services which will give you an idea what they do for the elderly. They do help with many little things which I think is fantastic. Hopefully there is a link for one in your area or you could call the number on the website and they can guide you to some help close to home.

 

So many things in your posting resonated with me and many others, I am sure! The fact that nobody calls or cares is a big one... It is a sad statement on all of us. We expect a little more of friends and family but, for some reason, they shy away. But, I must admit that what I thought was the biggest testament to your excellent care is that you mother has NO BEDSORES after being bedridden for so long - close to two years - you deserve an AWARD for that! Sometimes I wonder if many people understand what an accomplishment that alone is?

 

You know, it is not uncommon to have such feelings of anger, hopelessness, frustration and on and on... I was percolating in anger for so many years when caring for my father. It was certainly not my most shining moment in life to say the least. I cared for my father from 2001 until he passed away in November, 2006, just one month before his 90th birthday. I cleaned up his estate and sold it in 2009. I have been recovering every since.

 

I can, from my own experience, encourage you to find a way to deal with the anger since it is so hurtful to oneself. I think writing in a journal helps to get the feelings out. Another solution does involve such things as simply breathing to get through those moments and actually working diligently to find the positive in life to focus on. Do not focus on the past but let it go - its history. There are so many reasons to feel guilt when care-giving and I think that is because we make decisions that we are not sure what is best to do in the first place so we second-guess ourselves all day long sometimes. You are not alone, believe me - we all have regrets...

 

So, take a deep breath, then repeat over and over again. Take some time to journal and find some time to regain hope through positive thinking or affirmations to counteract the negative. Here is another link that might help get the ball rolling: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Ho...ocus-on-the-Positive - this link I got from the Oprah and Deepak 21-day meditation challenge. That link is following: http://www.chopracentermeditat...Page.aspx?BookId=178 On the right of this webpage is the opportunity to sign up - I really recommend signing for the 21-day meditation since it is free!


I hope this helps a little bit. Just know you are not alone dear heart! I know I am here for you and do check in every day so, please, keep me posted as to how are you are doing - and know that you are loved!


Hugs, Glenda

 

Glenda hello just got your message  dont no y  but almost starte crying it does help when you communciate back so far you are the only one who has answered me, Funny when u said something about feeling numb because so overwhelmed and only 2hands when I woke up this morning i was and still am slow and thats how i feel NUMB COURSE i did already scream at mom today she tries alot to climb out of bed thTS ANOTHER reason have to hv cameras.Im torn now deciding what to do about caregivers I dont really like agencys but one girl who helps me im training she is not experienced but nice realiable  and willing to learn other 2 one i dont feel is doing job good and other one few issues to although she is one trust the most then this agencys wants me to meet someine tht they say is good so epensive so do not no wt todo any advice

Hi Sweetie:

 

You definitely need the help! I would, in making the decision, sit down and write out the pro's and con's on each. If there is any issue of mistrust, I would definitely rule those out. Probably most care-givers that have hired help have lost some things - great-aunt's jewelry etc. But I do remember one gal that we hired through hospice (talk about some issues) actually ended up literally saving my Dad's life. We remain friends to this day and some of those issues are still with her - ah well... Her heart is in the right place!

 

The reason that I suggested Faith in Action is because it is a volunteer organization. I have heard that there may be opportunities for respite through some organizations which it sounds like you and your DH need. I know that is a big concern for you. Do you have any other siblings besides the brother you have mentioned?  I wasn't married when I cared for my father and TG for that. That is another huge stress that I cannot imagine trying to deal with...

 

I am sorry that I am the only one that has answered. I have been posting on this site for near ten years and have never seen it so slow. It must be a cosmic thing - I don't know. It's not like care giving has gotten any easier or is less demand. I think that perhaps people are afraid to talk about it because it is such a sad thing mostly. It takes guts to reach out... Doing so, however, I believe makes us stronger. There is empowerment in releasing to the universe!

 

Hopefully, there is some help in my response. You certainly need to have the help so I would definitely look at two things when making a decision - trust and attitude. I think that you need someone that is honest and caring if that helps. 

 

Just remember to be gentle with yourself! Take some time and explore your thoughts and feelings - it is okay and even natural to feel some anger, but for God's sake  please don't percolate in it like I did! Wave it away... In the meantime, trust the universe! 

 

Hugs, Glenda

Good Morning Glenda thanks again thought I would write to you before I actually get up for day because alot of times I wake up fine but when I go upstairs to Moms room as soon as I walk in here room I change  those nasty feelings atart arising,sometimes when I go in there in morning I never no wht she will say like she says at times oh gee how did you get here or how did I find her. She told social workeronce she doesnt no why Im so tired I just got back off of vacation from Fla we use to go there alot . Id say to myself yea right at times some things funny but over all its sad especially LIVING IN A BED BUT SHE THINKS SHE WALKS AROUND SHE WILL SAY NOW SANDY COME ON YOU NO U JUST SAW ME WALKING,FOR THAT ONE I GET UPSET AND WALK OUT OF ROOM. Yesterday had some help so i hard boiled eggs and her and caregiver fixed them for easter I sure wish I could go to church easter I use to go to church they even stopped coming This world is something else at times I wish I wasnt a caring person.Glenda thanks again for tlking I look forward to hearing from you. May I ask you where you are from, me from Maryland. Me im so lucky Im sittting here waiting for bug man I discovered ANTS AND I HATE HAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHATE ANY KIND OF BUGS DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH THEM.AFTER I DISCOVERED THEM I WAS DOWNSTAIRS THEN UPSTAIRS IN MOMS ROOM YESTERDAY I HEARD A BOWL OF JELLYBEANS DROP ALL OVER FLOOR THOUGHT OH GREAT,DIDNT SAY TO MUCH CUZ HEARD CARGIVER LAUGHING SO THOUGHT MOM DOESNT GET TO LAUGH MUCH SO LET HER LAUGH IM SURE SHE SAID TO RYCHEL ON NO DT TELL SANDY. ok well now gonna have to go get her coffee and bun and discover where she is today.YOu have good day wont be smiling little whilethis is to you someone must of sent u to talk 2me

 

 

Hi Sundra Ann:

 

Happy Easter to you and all. I had brunch with my 94-year old mother today. She lives in an apartment in a senior-care facility that she chose TG. I have been blessed with her in many ways (even though I haven't always appreciated her) and she is still sharp and pretty spry for her age. 

 

I am glad to hear that your mom was laughing over the jellybeans. That is a great story. I hope you are having a good holiday and finding time to enrich your spirit. 

 

I living in Washington and it looks like the springtime has finally come. So, I get to start working outside on my little "fixer-up" again. I have spent the last three summers scraping and painting the outside and it is just a  small place. I will think again before I buy something that needs so much work... However, I am just grateful for the project!

 

Hugs, Glenda

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