Mimi

Hi Janet,
Thanks so much for thinking of me; it certainly warms my heart to know there are people here that think about me and care.
Yes, mom is moving to my sister's on Sunday. I have mixed feelings about it, because I know how difficult it will be for her to care for mom. My sister, for the past year, has spent two afternoons a month with mom, and will soon be spending 24/7. I tried to tell her how difficult it will be, both physically and emotionally and actually tried to talk her out of it. Unfortunately, people that haven't walked in our shoes just dont' realize how difficult it really is. I guess she will have to learn on her own. Over the course of the past year, I've emailed my two sisters at times, giving them updates on mom's decline and at times sharing with them my sadness, anger, and frustration, but I honestly think that they think I was over-stating what was happening. I guess she will learn from her own experiences.
I am glad that mom will be with my sister rather than going to a NH now. Hopefully, we can put off that decision for a while, but something tells me that it won't be long. Mom is declining rather rapidly, and I don't see how my sister will be able to give her the care she will need at home.
My back continues to cause me pain, but I'm managing. Thank God the pain is not too bad when I sit, so I'm able to continue to work full time. My worst pain is when I'm lifting mom or undressing her, or standing for long periods. I am hopeful that I will now be able to spend time taking care of me, loving my wonderful dogs and spending more time with my husband.
I continue to go for therapy and I'm finding it so helpful. She has talked to me about this time coming up, when mom leaves, that I will probably go through a lot of different emotions. I'm prepared for it.
Janet, thanks again for thinking about me..I will keep in touch and let everyone know how next week goes....blessings to all,
Mimi

Mimi:

I am glad that your counselor has your prepared for the variety of emotions that you are going to experience. I cannot imagine - I know when my Father died - I experienced 10 different emotions an hour - it was "crazy" for lack of better words. Do NOT feel guilty if one of the emotions you feel is relief - cause I too felt that.

The good thing - is that you can still see her and visit her - infact maybe you can be the sister who gets her 2 Sunday's a month.

I agree that your sister has NO IDEA what she is in for - until she actually experiences it herself. The "good thing" is that this is ALL NEW to her - and remember how you felt when you were starting out this journey - I know I was all for it - thinking what a good thing it was to care for my parents - and I actually enjoyed it - in the beginning - and felt like I was giving something back. Its after weeks and months of lack of sleep - being mentally drained - loosing "your identity" - being a recluse in your house - and watching them decline a little more everyday - that you get to the point where you and I are at. I think your sister should be ok for a little bit - but she too will come to realize soon - just really what you meant in your e-mails to her. And you are there as well to help guide her - since you have been dealing with this for so long- you NEVER had that.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers and please let us know how Sunday goes for you.

Love,

Janet

Thank you Janet,
Reading your posts this morning, I can feel you are doing much better. I remember reading your initial posts after your dad passed and feeling so bad for you. I'm so glad you found a grief support group...you sound so much stronger...I'm very very happy for you.
As far as feeling "relief"...you don't have to tip toe around that one...there aren't many people that I can say it to, but truth be told, I've been counting down the days since last Sunday and now I'm one day away from the light at the end of the tunnel. I love my mom very much and I don't regret taking her in and caring and loving her, but as you know and understand, sometimes caregiving takes over your life and then it becomes unhealthy for the caregiver. I've been told by a very well recognized Social Worker that there comes a point in caring for the Alzheimer's patient that the focus changes from the patient to the caregiver...that point was reached several months ago and I've just tried to hang on until I was willing to accept that. I've accepted that I've done all that I could do, and then some for mom.
And, you are right, I'm not done. I will visit mom and every other Sunday will be "my Sunday". Besides that, I will spend more time with mom, visiting during the week, even if only for an hour or so, because I will remember all those days and nights she sat and no one called.
I've also given my sister a "check list"...kind of like what you leave for a house sitter, when you go on vacation...mom's likes and dislikes, her favorite foods (mom doesnt remember), things like that. Some people would say well if she doesn't remember, than what's the point? The point is I remember and I know what brought her happiness... thanks again Janet and I am so glad you are doing better...nice to see you back here...warmest regards, Mimi

Mimi:

You hit the nail right on the head when you said "you see the light at the end of the tunnel" - I understand that sooooooooooooo much. I always wished with my Dad's illness that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. That is one regret that I really have with him - is - I was always so busy being care-giver - working and cooking/cleaning etc - that I would become "Nasty Pants" AND that I missed "quality" time with him. I had plenty of quantity with him - plenty - but the quality was not what it could have been had there had been someone else to care for him. So you now are being blessed that you will get quality time with your Mom. When I say quality - you will be able to "enjoy" (if that is possible at this point - but I think you understand what I am trying to say) the time you have with her and appreciate it - instead of being overwhelmed by ALL YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

I am glad you think I sound better - maybe I am and I don't realize it??? I guess I am different than in the beginning - who knows. I do many many many days - feel like I am just going to break and want to roll in a little ball and have someone take care of ME!!!!

With my Mother - I still don't see that light at the end of the tunnel - but I feel if she was somewhere else - or "liked" her companions - then the time I did spend with her - would be more appreciated and enjoyable. And I am at the point where a few hours a day or a week - just doensn't cut it anymore. I want to spend an hour or two a day with her - and then maybe 1 full day a week and that is it - but I also want to make sure she is well taken care of. I think your situation is good - cause you know your sister loves your Mom and she will try to give her the best care that she can. You know as wonderful as companions can be - the "love" is not there - and to me its just a little different. But I do think there are some great places out there - if ONLY my Mother would qualify for one and like it.

Thinking and praying for you tomorrow - please keep us posted.

Love,

Janet

Hi Mimi... glad to hear your sister is taking your mother. you never know, she may land up doing very well with her... leave yourself open...

and Janet... daily we heal... each day we get a smidgeon stronger and stronger.. to even observe with your mother as you stated in your last post shows how much healing you have undergone..

I pray your jounies... for both of you will become easier and easier... we are all a part of the Higher Power.. there is no separation... we are all connected...

richest blessings

gail

Mimi:

Just wondering how you are making out this week - know that I am thinking and praying for you and your family during this transitional time. How is your sister and Mom doing.

Sending hugs your way -

Janet

Dear Janet,
Thank you so much for thinking of me, especially when you have so much going on. I just read your post...#18 gone... how frustrating and maddening. And the doctors -- I'm getting aggravated for you. Do you think it would help if your mom saw a Geriatrician? I'm just grasping here...there has to be a way, some medication, to keep your mom calm so that you can have some time away while she's with an aide. I hope you find an answer soon.
As far as me, it was a tough week, actually just the nites were tough. I'm in a very very busy time right now with work, so I didn't have time to even think during the day. I did see my sister and mom last night and it was nice. I've been calling there every nite to talk to mom and have talked to my sister and they are adjusting - that will take some time too. My mom keeps telling my sister that she wants to go home and that does make me sad. Hopefully, she will feel at home soon.
Again, thanks so much for thinking and praying for me. I hope you can find some solutions soon and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
blessings to you,
Mimi