My Mom Passed away Last week . I got up to get her ready for her treatment & Found her I can not seem to get the look on her face out of my head .. It is like a video that keeps rewinding over & Over again .
she looked peaceful , & I am grateful for that , but she had gotten sick during the night .The Guilt that I have for not being in the room with her at the time is killing me .
also , I had taken care of my mom by myself for the most part for over 2 years .
when she was alive alot of times all i could think of was how much life I was missing , What I had given up to take care of her & , How hard life was .
Now ...All I want to do is Hold My Mom again & tell her I Love her ... I would give almost anything to relive the Day Before she died again .. I would hug her More .. Tell her I Love her a Million times ... but , instead , Her last day was spent seeing 2 Doctors & she was so sick that day .
I was sure they would put her in the Hospital .. she was Throwing up & had diahrea she even threw up in the Doctors office .. they also couldn't get a read on the Pulse ox , But said her hands were extremely cold & sent her home .
I feel so guilty ... why didn't I insist she go into the hospital ? .. This had Happened several times over the past years & she always snapped back , but not this time .
Another thing that really hurts , I went to sleep the night before watching tv in her room , I got up & went to bed , I didn't say Goodnight & my I Love you's to my mom That Night .. I was so tired .
That is tearing me up now . I told her everday , But Not that night .
About 2 months we had a heart to Heart talk & I told her how Proud I was to be her Daughter & if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't change a Thing , I would still take care of her . She Told me she she was Proud that she had me as her Daughter & How Much she loved me too .
I told my Husband That day If anything ever happened to either of us . That I knew we had said all we needed to sayto one another & I was happy about that , because alot of people never get that chance .I thought that would bring me comfort . But The Guilt over not being in that room & thinking she may have tried to call me when she got sick & I didn't hear her is so hard .
God .. I Miss her so Much . I don't know what to do with me anymore . I don't know how to live without my Mom .. we were so close . All I can do is Cry & think What if's .
Will it get easier ? Please tell me yes.