Skip to main content

My Mom Passed away Last week . I got up to get her ready for her treatment & Found her I can not seem to get the look on her face out of my head .. It is like a video that keeps rewinding over & Over again .
she looked peaceful , & I am grateful for that , but she had gotten sick during the night .The Guilt that I have for not being in the room with her at the time is killing me .
also , I had taken care of my mom by myself for the most part for over 2 years .
when she was alive alot of times all i could think of was how much life I was missing , What I had given up to take care of her & , How hard life was .
Now ...All I want to do is Hold My Mom again & tell her I Love her ... I would give almost anything to relive the Day Before she died again .. I would hug her More .. Tell her I Love her a Million times ... but , instead , Her last day was spent seeing 2 Doctors & she was so sick that day .
I was sure they would put her in the Hospital .. she was Throwing up & had diahrea she even threw up in the Doctors office .. they also couldn't get a read on the Pulse ox , But said her hands were extremely cold & sent her home .
I feel so guilty ... why didn't I insist she go into the hospital ? .. This had Happened several times over the past years & she always snapped back , but not this time .
Another thing that really hurts , I went to sleep the night before watching tv in her room , I got up & went to bed , I didn't say Goodnight & my I Love you's to my mom That Night .. I was so tired .
That is tearing me up now . I told her everday , But Not that night .
About 2 months we had a heart to Heart talk & I told her how Proud I was to be her Daughter & if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't change a Thing , I would still take care of her . She Told me she she was Proud that she had me as her Daughter & How Much she loved me too .
I told my Husband That day If anything ever happened to either of us . That I knew we had said all we needed to sayto one another & I was happy about that , because alot of people never get that chance .I thought that would bring me comfort . But The Guilt over not being in that room & thinking she may have tried to call me when she got sick & I didn't hear her is so hard .
God .. I Miss her so Much . I don't know what to do with me anymore . I don't know how to live without my Mom .. we were so close . All I can do is Cry & think What if's .
Will it get easier ? Please tell me yes.
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest


I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Please don't ever feel you didn't do enough for your mom, Starlight. You did a wonderful job! You have nothing to feel guilty about and as time passes - and your pain lessens - you will come to see that feeling guilty about not doing enough is part of the caregiver's grief.

It will take time to let go of the images you have in your mind or the thoughts you are having right now, but be gentle with yourself. Your mom was proud of you and I bet if she was standing in front of you now, she would tell you that.

You did a good job, Starlight. Please try and remember that and let the healing tears flow.

My sincerest condolences,

Dearest Starlight: Your post hit me hard! My heartfelt sincerity to your loss. You know, my Dad has been so hateful to me and is in such denial about his family and his health. Tonight I couldn't get myself to say goodnight --- he never says it at all,and I say it - I get nothing back - I get no hug in the a.m. He is capable of doing it, but his depression is so bad --- he doesn't want to live this way. So, I just pray for God to give him the peace he needs. Don't feel this guilt --- you had such a heart of gold - you gave your mom something no one else gave her to take with her, it was called LOVE. We can't be with them every minute. Don't blame yourself. May God help you find his loving hand of comfort to get you through! God Bless You!
Vickie ---- You Did IT RIGHT!!!!! I'm thankful you and your Mom talked to each other,that is what I long for --- and my Dad has been this way all his life --- so unless he knows it is his time --- then, I expect very little communication from him. I have to stay positive in knowing God has this in his hands. You'll be fine --- you have traveled the journey ---- now you have reached the destination --- you did it so right! Love & Prayers ......... Vickie Don't feel guilt --- it will subside, and you'll have a peace your mother would want you to have! (I'm up at 1:00 here in SC - I seem to wake up praying every night --- and then I go back to sleep.) God Bless You!
Starlight: I lost my Mom 6 yrs. ago. She had had by-pass surgery, and moved from hospital to nh to nh, to her home, back to hospital, to nh, and lastly to hospital again, all in other towns. It was devastating. She didn't want to come home. I found out later my Mom didn't want me to see her die, and the nurse was trying to abide by her request. We never know! A nurse called me in the night - my Dad couldn't deal with it or anyone else, so it was me. The nurse said no need to come, but that she was bleeding internally bad, and the Dr. was on the way. I decided I would go anyway - well, I no sooner got there at 2:00am, Mom told me "It's always you, isn't it honey! My spouse was with me - we had to leave the room as having worked in the med. environment, I knew her readings were bad. I told the nurse she is ok, and she is leaving us now. Sure enough, the nurse was afraid to tell me - and the nurse and Dr. actually laid their heads on my shoulder - the Dr. didn't even realize she was gone. I had to tell the Dr. Yet, I have gotten over it, and you may not have been able to be with her even if she had been in the hospital. So, being at home is the best you could give her, in her surroundings --- it was a blessing and a "gift" that only you could have given her! God knew you would be with her and you were! Love & Prayers ... Vickie PS: It does get better --- little by little --- the memories become such a place in your heart ---- you will not see the video forever ---- your "gift" to her will be your video! GOD Bless You!

[This message has been edited by Vick (edited 12-05-2006).]
Starlight....I am so very sorry for your loss.

Please, do not feel guilty over what you have not done.....just remember all that you have done.
Know that your Mom loved you more than anything. she knows that you loved her. shes knows that you were there with her when she passed. even if you were not there physically, she could still feel your presence.

It's been almost 11 months since my Mom passed away and I still miss her everday, I still see her face the moment she died, I replayed that day over and over so many times. But it is now finally starting to fade. It's gonna' take time, lots of time. Just give into the tears and the sadness. Take care of yourself now. Take each day one at a time and before you know it, you will start to feel like "you" again.

We've all wished for the day when we had our "life back" so don't feel guilty about that, that's only human nature.

Just be good to yourself, cry, scream, laugh, let the emotions flow. If your at church or at the mall and the tears start, let them come. Who cares what others see or think. Only you and your Mom know what there all about.....and that's all that matters.

God Bless,

[This message has been edited by plink (edited 12-05-2006).]
Thank you all so much for your support .
It has truely been a difficult week.
Plink, I think it was you who spoke of the "Firsts " . You are so right .
I washed clothes for the First time a coupleof Days ago &Found some of my Mom's Clothes . That was hard. I Burst Out Crying .I picked up her shirt & Tried to Recapure her smell , But it was not there anymore .
Even looking at foods in the fridge or cabinet that were bought for her is so hard .
I have foundthat my most conforting place to be in the house is in her chairThat is sitting exactly in the place she passed away ,covered in her Blanket that she slept with everynight.
My Husband thinks i am just torturing myself . But I can't help it ..I need to feel close to her feel her presence ..Maybe it is crazy ,butthe little bit ofcomfort I feel seems to come from there .
Starlight, No, it is not crazy. You have to do whatever you need to do to get through this. Trust me, it will only get worse before it gets better. You are still in the early stages of, give yourself time. Let those tears flow, and flow.........however long you need to.

I kept my Mom's blanket that she used in the recliner and her bathrobe. I still get it out of the drawer and smell it and hug it when I need to feel her close to me.
As a matter of fact, I did that today.

You are not torturing yourself......these are things that you need to do to get through this. If you push away the will be back with a vengeance.....this is something that you MUST do.

God Bless,

I am so very sorry for your loss..

Your post hit home hard with me you, right before my mother passed away she had more breathing problems, and what seemed like another lung infection..I got the usual antibiotics from her family doctor, just over the phone, as this was a constant thing with her conditions..just something was a bit different that time..and why I didn't take her to a hospital even a week previous I just don't have an answer to..not that anything could have been done, but it does still bother me...why didn't I?
The guilt feelings do pass in time..things do get easier, although I don't think one ever forgets..not just that, but all the time spent together..the kind words..the happier days...I know one thing..that our parents do forgive us almost anything, and that because we did all we could humanly do for them as caregivers, they are proud of us and are now watching over us..
Something about this time of brings back so many just floods your head, or seems to...I'm taking this holiday season one day at a time, and looking forward to the future..our parents would want us to do that ...: )
I hope you and your family have a safe Christmas...and always remember to count your blessings..

take care
I know this is an old post, but I saw it and it was so close to how I am feeling. Thanks belatedly for that. My mother passed away yesterday morning at around 3AM. The part about the guilt for thinking about what you are missing while caregiving hit me so hard. I know my posts reflected that one of my main concerns was how hard it was for me. I feel so guilty about that now. And it was easier just to do what needed to be done and not think about the emotional side of things. In the past week, I realized the end was coming and I told Mom what she meant to me and how much I loved her, but by this time, her mind was not working very well and I am not sure she heard or understood me. Why didn't I say those words more earlier? I was so stupid; I actually thought that I would handle the end with practicality, doing what needed to be done and being strong and then going on with life. Now I don't think I will ever be able to go on. I didn't realize the past few years that Mom was my best friend and often my only friend. I mean who will go to dog shows with me or drive around to look at Christmas lights? I will be alone now. Friends and family are being wonderful, but after the funeral I suppose they will go back to their lives and I will be alone. I was with her at the end, but she almost surely did not know it.

I would like to thank everyone for helping me through Mom's illnesses, her Alzheimer's Disease and her cancer. You have all been more help than you know. Maybe I can stick around and help others on this board now.
If I remember right, your mom lived with you for over 20 years. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It was only these past few weeks that you were so burned out and honestly, your mom would not have realized it. Knowing that your mom had Alzheimer's, as mine does, I can say that and know it to be true.

Caring for the elderly is so difficult, especially when you've been doing it for as long as you did and then through Alzheimer's AND cancer. Bridget, you are an angel, you truly are and you have my deepest condolences.

My mom is entering the end stage of Alzheimer's and I am dreading it, watching what she is going through. This whole journey has been so painful and it seems to become even more painful with each passing day. She still knows me and my sisters, at least most of the time, but that is about it. She does still come with me on Sundays, but she becomes so confused, I don't know how much longer I can continue to take her out to my home. Bridget, your feelings are normal, you are grieving and missing your mom. There will come a time when you will be able to remember your time with your mom with fondness and not feel so much pain. You are a wonderful daughter, please remember that. You did for your mother so much more than most. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers,
Warmest wishes,

Lotsof loving hugs coming your way... you were so remarkable with your mother... more than many... I am sitting here understanding the guilt and mixed feelings... but with a huge smile, remembering when you took your mother to NYC... I never thought the two of you would have made it given her diagnosis and the stage she was in but you mastered it..

This is a time to connect with your mom soul to soul.. through your thoughts.. her soul understood all of what you were going through and continue to experience with no judgement at all... she knew you were a blessing to her.. filled with so much love and care and this is what is most vitally important for you to understand at this time...

Please learn from others who have lost a loved one.. we all begin to put the should'ves, couldves' etc on ourselves.. but when you truly look back as an observer, you did the very best that you could in any given moment, given the circumstances... even when you felt awful and wished the end was there already...All of these feelings are normal to a family caregiver.. they are a normal part of the anticipated and daily grieving we experience before our loved ones pass and part of the grief and healing process after their transition...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you will continue to post here as you have been such a wonderful part of the community...

richest blessings and may your healing be gentle and nurturing...


Add Reply

Link copied to your clipboard.