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First let me start by saying to those who have lost a loved one this past year, that my prayers for strength and healing are sent your way. My hope is that each of you are continuing to take care of yourselves, and find peace.

I have not experienced the pain of losing a parent(s), child, or a spouse, yet, but I am hoping that those who have, will continue to share how they are dealing with letting go of the baggage of guilt and anger. How are you moving past your caregiving roles into a role of caring for yourselves now? Or are you? It seems that many become crippled by their losses. Old hurts, what ifs, just keep coming in waves.

While we all know that grief has so many stages, and each person handles grief differently, maybe sharing some of the ways you all are coping and dealing with your losses will help others.


[This message has been edited by angel437 (edited 05-15-2005).]
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Hi Robin,

I haven't posted since my MIL passed away Feb. 9th but I've visited a few times. Sometimes I'd try to resond to a post, but I just couldn't finish. It's like I would just shut down. Easier not to deal with it?

I really haven't had anyone to talk to about how I feel. My emotions are so fragile that tears just start - like now. I just miss her so much. And no one around me understands. My husband doesn't want to talk or listen to me. Guys must have a different way of dealing with feelings! My friends have never been in my situation with caregiving. They saw the stress and our lives on hold, so they don't understand the emptyness.

I haven't removed all her possessions from her room yet. I start to pack things away, but then find myself just holding on to something and crying and remembering when she was such a major part of our lives. So, not alot is getting done there. My mom and sister have offered to come over and help me, but I guess I still feel that I'm the only one who can take care of this. Just like when she was here.

So Robin, I haven't gotten to the guilt or anger part yet. Wish I was because then maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.

But - I have arrived at the "learning" part! I've learned to be more patient, more loving, and more thankful. Life is so fragile. I always knew that, but now I've felt it - felt life slip out of my arms.

I guess when I'm ready, I'll move on.

Take care of you,

Happy that you came back to post about your journey in the loss of your loved one. What is important Angel is that you opened yourself up to share your emotions where others I am sure can relate.
I believe that sharing with others not only helps others, but helps ourselves heal. I know that talking and writing is good therapy for me,(some say I like to hear myself talk, ha)
Remember dear angel, there isn't a set time to clear her things, or stop crying for your loved one. The right time is when it is right for you.
What really is important, is making sure we don't lose ourselves in the process of grieving. Unfortunately many of us have become crippled during our caregiving journeys that when the loved one passes we don't know how to cope with that loss.
My prayers for healing are sent your way.
Hello Molly,

It's still very new for you and no one cared for your mil on a daily basis as you did.. you probably got to know her better than most and connected with her on an entirely different level which is a gifted blessing.

Robin spoke of the guilt.. I had a lot of sadness and still do.. Just before my mother passed, while delerious from the morphine she said to me,'You are going to miss me and you are going to feel guilty!."

I gently grabbed her chin abd looked in to her eyes telling her that no one loved or advocated for her as I did in the past few years and guilt was not what I would feel!"

She actually snapped out of the morphine and came to.. She said, she didn't understand why she would say something as she just did.. that she loved me and was truly grateful for all I had done..

I think one of the most difficult adjustments for me is that my brother and my mother's siblings just are not there..

last week was the six month anniversary of my mothers' passing and the 10th of my dads( which by the way seems as if it were less than a year ago).. coupled with mother's day and my mother's birthday.. I just kept reflecting on the celebration my mother and I had last year by ourselves in an upscale restaurant celebrating both occasions.. it was one of the best times we ever had together.. so connected.. so loving.. so I am focusing more on the good times... letting go of the not so good times that were painful for me.. and still re designing my life and finding more love and joy as she would want me to.

As for leaving the things in her room... leave them be for as long as you need to.. when the time is right, you will let go as you need to. the one thing I always remember Chris is that there is no wrong or right way to grieve..there is only the way you are feeling in each moment..

richest blessings
If you check back in - you should know what a great difference your made in your mother's life. She gave birth to you and in the end, you gave it back to her. I recall cleaning out my mother's closet when she past in 94 and how empty I felt too. Now I will go through that with dad (unless something happens to me). When you are ready, you will do it. Truth is, nothing you leave there of your mother's will change the situation, but it is a comfort to the living as we know it. There is no rush. I understnd the smells, regrets, etc. Any yes, men do seem to feel differently or at least appearto feel differently.
Your are a wonderful daughter and person and you earned your wings. I am sure your Mom will be waiting for you someday.
Love and hugs,

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