Skip to main content

Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

I am sorry, Willie, I know you must feel like screaming! You were great to work with the counselors and nursing home. Did you learn anymore about whether your Mother's physical problems are causing her to act this way? Did you find out if she was insecure? Or is she just lonely? Does she ever call anyone else? Or is she bored and simply turning to the phone to have something to do. I don't blame you for giving up. I would feel the same. When you call "does she remember having sent all the messages?" If not, maybe you could erase them and conveniently forget them also. LOL
I am praying that you or the Doctor figures this out soon. God bless you,
Morning Willie...

Sorry to hear things have not improved for you...and I know how frustrating it can get.
But you must remember that your mother may not even remember that she is calling so often....I remember back after my father had his stroke and the memory problems started as did the numerous phone calls. So many times I would say in response to one of his questions..."but you just asked me that an hour ago when you called"...and he would have no recollection that he had called.
It may be something she honestly doesn't realize that she is doing.
Now I am learning to...number 1) not answer every time as i have name display and know when it is him...number 2)try always to remember that he is not as he used to be in regards to memory and that he is a bit lonely and probably scared...and number 3) which has been the biggest help to to always try to keep a sense of humor about it...a lot of times when he forgets things he will even say...I think its time I got a brain transplant...and we both can have a little laugh about it. That can really ease some of the stress...just having a good chuckle.
I know it might seem trivial as you feel very stressed out but sometimes even the simplest things can make you breathe a small sigh of relief....
Please take care...
Keep in touch...

Hi Willie
I am truly sorry to hear that you are going through so many ups and downs. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for caregivers to have to go through these emotional upheavals. I think Prairie Gal has given you some wize feedback.
It is true that we begin taking our parent's responsibilties personally. I, myself have been going through this with my mother. It is important to get the counseling you have reached out for... and it is equally important for you to understand that you mom may not be doing this directly to hurt you. By standing strong and confident in who you are as a person, you may begin to understand that you no longer have to have things be a certain way with your mother. You do the best that you can. If her actions are not what you would like them to be, it is up to you to adjust... she may be powerless to something that is going on physically or mentally and even emotionally inside on a physiological level that has not yet been diagnosed by a doctor. She may also be going through emotional traumas that she cannot express or is not in touch with either.

the most important lesson as a caregiver, and I would venture to say as a daughter is to love your parent unconditionally, with the understanding that they are doing the best that they are capable of in the moment, even though we don't feel they are. We only really have control over ourselves... we do not have the power to change another individual... so the shifts and changes must come from within... from our own personal attitude and how we handle it. Finding the humor in her calling and being able to laugh at it instead of being so caught up in it is so important... there are many who frequent the boards who have been through this experience... surrendering and not trying to change and control them is the most important thing you can learn at this time. Compassion helps us to heal and open more to love... love is the most important healing power of all...

please keep us posted... and for the future, please try to keep all your posts in the same topic area so that others who respond can see what has transpired prior to the most recent responses.

Richest blessings

In love & light
i hope im posting in the right place this time.i guess the point im trying to get across,is that its comming to where its becoming dificult to even look after myself.
whether or not my mother has dementia or if
she is really playing games seems unimportant
now.the fact is that this is happening is
just too much to bear.i am alone in this
situation,with no outside help-my next relative lives 150 miles from its imposible for me to have "total" break..
i have my own issues to deal with,im diabetic
and also have had an anxiety disorder for
the past 25 years or so.
ive thought of getting call display,but im away from my phone about 80% of the time.
hence-my need for an anwering macine.
ive thought of a number change,but thats
out of the question,for business raesons.
i really fear that im going to end up in a
hospital myself.
i see no light at the end of the tunnel...
I can tell that you are really discouraged. But, do you know, often when we are completely at the end of our rope, we reach the time when we look at what was formerly not considered because it was too much trouble, too expensive, or we just didn't want to do so. I have often been so down and discouraged about something with the problem chasing around and around in my head. I found that if I could step completely out of the problem: (read a book,
watch TV that I really enjoyed, rent a video, go out with friends); then I could come back to it with a clearer perspective. I would come back to the problem and find a new idea for dealing with it. This works for me, not for everyone, and most of the time, not everytime. Just a suggestion for one thing to try. Although, I am praying
that soon you will get rested and think of an idea of your own that will fit better for your lifestyle.
Remember, God's spirit is within 'YOU'
and find a quiet spot and ask his help. I pray that you have hit bottam and are on the uphill side of your journey now. I wish I could give you a hug so you know how much I sympathize with you.

Hi willie...
I am sorry things have not improved...and so sorry you are going through this alone...
Correct me if I am wrong but from your last post my impression is that you have yet to get over the...reality(?)...of what is happening to your mother. And yes, unfortunately the harsh realities of some illnesses are most unpleasant...and extremely hard to deal with. Your mother, whom has always "looked out" for you is now incapable of that, and the "role reversal" is never easy. It is probably one of the hardest things you will face, and in your case not made any easier by your anxiety or panic attacks. I feel for you...I wish there was something I could say to make it all better. Is there a therapist or counsellor that you can get together with including your mother, perhaps even her doctor and someone from her home that looks after that all of this can be talked out?
Maybe also a trusted clergyperson? Where you can be honest about what is bothering you , also mentioning your own problems? They may not be able to do much to alleviate your fears, etc, but it might help you and calm you to know you have explained everything to others. Some might go the extra mile to just relieve you of a bit of the daily stress, maybe spending a little time with your mother, leaving you with a bit more "free" time. If so....use this time to relax, get in touch with your feelings, cry, laugh, just get it all out.
And please keep posting here..
We all know what you are going through and want to see you through it...
Take care...
Hi Willie
I am sending lots of loving hugs and compassion your way. You are a child of the higher power... you have what you need to move through this. Sometimes we need to go down real low, to heal from within so that we can rise more to who we really are as spirit in these bodies.

Diabetes needs to be controlled as you already know, I am sure It can play havoc on your emotions when your sugar isn't in balance and this coupled with your anxiety does not support you.

You have been caring for your mom but from the sound of it, it is time to start caring for muster up the strength and courage to continue reaching out for the support you need...getting your health in balance is important is the most important thing you must focus on at this point. You cannot be there for another if you aren't there for yourself having your own needs met.

Please do whatever you need to do in terms of seeking out professional care to balance your sugar and stablize it... and continue working with the therapist in terms of balancing out your emotions so that you can take control of your life again. If you need medical assistance to help you with the anxiety depression, then ask your doctor to work with you and let him/her prescribe a light medication that may help you to work through all of this ... there are many ways along with a therapist to work through the axniety... so that you can live your life more freely and joyfully. Perhaps you might ask them about hypnosis, visualization, imagery or even yoga and deep breathing to help calm you when the attacks start creeping up.

Unfortunately, I myself included, many caregivers just keep giving and giving until they burn out. Many a time the giving is coupled with feelings of resentment, guilt, feeling responsible for the other etc. We tend to reach a point where we, ourselves want some one to take care of us as we have the others. The truth is angel that we are the only ones who can really take care of our selves. It also means reaching out and seeking out to get the help we need to work through whatever it is that keeps us from seeing how truly beautiful we are... we are spirit. we must get to the place of honoring and aligning with the flow of the Universe and the higher power. We have to make the choice, the commitment to do this for ourselves.

Please keep us posted... richest blessings...

Love & light
to gail

you hit the nail on the head.i saw my mother
yesterday and explained to her that if i
dont start looking after myself,i wont be
able to care for her any longer,
i went into a few details,and kept them
simple enough so she would understand.
she seemed to grasp what i was trying to tell
her.but forgot ten min later.
also i started to put my initials on her
calender,so she would know when i was there.
and also,if there is a phone conversation
i have to go through a step by step instruction to get her to mark the call on her calender.i explained to her that before she calls me,to look at the calender first.
even if she feels i havent been in touch with her for a long time.
i hope this works.
i see a lot of posts with refferences to god.
i believe there is a higher power,but i find
it difficult to come to terms with that.
i feel that i am being hypocritical for
turning to prayer only when im down and out
anyway tomorow is a new day.................
Hi Willie,

If your mom is suffering from an onset of some form of dementia, or lack of short term memory, it can also be from a combination of medications, (in my mother's case, it was an extremely low salt level) and other things.

It will drive you crazy if you keep trying to get her to understand and remember if there is a problem with her short term memory. It did for me. There were days she was very coherent and days she wasn't. When we finally learned it was her salt, she was able to add salt to her diet, yet there were still days when it went off.

some days we would have incredible conversations and do things... and two days later I would find out she didn't remember a thing.

If the problem is from something other than the onset of a dementia, the doctors will have to diagnose the cause and you learn to live and accept it. And if it is an early onset for a form of dementia, then you will learn to accept this to with time. However, with the early onset of dementia, you will find that you can no longer work so hard on bringing them back into your world and that it would be easier to enter their world and go along with what is in the moment for them...sort of like play acting...

Willie, I do understand what you are saying when you feel hypocritical about God or the Higher Power. I have just lifted myself out of the same feelings. I think we all lose ourselves at times. We find ourselves praying for the help for another yet cannot bring ourselves to pray for ourselves. This is the ego that keeps us from doing what is right. However, the mere fact that you say you believe in a Higher Power is a very clear indication that you know there is something bigger out there where we all have come from. It is also within us. It is in every cell of our being. You will need to still yourself in the quietness of yourself to go within and begin to heal. Look through the journal exercises and see if there is anything that you resonate with.

There are no accidents that we have all been posting here for each other. It is only synchronicity. I am here to offer love and compassion with the understanding. You are the one that is responsible for being here and reaching out. Getting support and feedback from others. When the time is right, you will find that you are an incredibly special soul, a spirit that deserves to soar and live your own life more fully. Listen to your heart not your head, listen to what your body is telling you. Listen to what feels good in your heart and makes your body feel at peace and light. These are the barometers that will help you to get in touch with your truest essence.

Richest blessings
Love & light
I know what you mean about being hypocritical. Even more I am afraid for others to see me as hypocritical. That is just the little "CHILD" in me. God said he loves me just as I am. We can be hypocritical and he still loves us. In fact, he told us that we had to come to him as a "little child". We are his little children and he is our Father. He expects us to be imperfect. He made us just as we are then gave us freedom to make our own decisions. And, like any Father, he wants us to come to him for advice, and when we make the wrong decision, he is there within us wanting us to come home to him for comfort and to fix whatever we have done to ourselves and whatever the rest of the world (who are also making their own imperfect decisions) has done to us.
I pray that you can close your eyes, Willie, and feel God as your loving Father and yourself as his little child.
My heart goes out to you.

Add Reply

Link copied to your clipboard.