Husband did not sleep well last night, which means he will need to nap at least once, if not twice, today. As a result, he's frustrated, depressed, and upset. His complaint is that he wants to interact with the world, but he's so tired all he does is sleep. I understand how he feels, I wish I could help, but there is nothing I really can do. I finally walked away and let his aide take over for now - I was getting the anxious/nervous/fearful feeling I get (my chest tightens up, my stomach starts to ache, and my heart starts to pound) so I had to remove myself from the situation for awhile.
I've been getting that anxiety quite a lot lately - hardly a day goes by without my feeling that tenseness. When it gets really too much to bear, I take half or even a quarter of a Xanex (I don't take it daily by any means). And I know if I'm feeling like this, just how much worse is husband feeling?
The helplessness is the worst. There is nothing I can do that I'm not already doing, The HMO is just not equipped to deal with his many and varied needs - they're great for the usual stuff, but he's unique - and they're not willing to give him referrals to outside doctors.
Our Medicaid case worker will meet with him this Tuesday at our place - I haven't figured out whether I will be able to take off any time from work to attend this meeting, or whether it's better if I attend strictly by phone. (Seems silly, since I work from home, but once my office door is closed I'm incommunicado until my breaks.) I'm hoping she can give us some advice on places we can go to get him the help he's looking for.
One other anxiety is that I'm not sure he's prepared NOT to get the answers he wants. It's quite possible the fatigue may never be resolved completely and he'll have to learn how to live and deal with it. Since he's stubborn as a deep-rooted tree stump, it'll mean going through more angst before he finally succumbs to the reality of the situation. Which means more anxiety for me.
Thank you for letting me vent here. I need this outlet - this is the only place where I'm able to express my thoughts freely, without fear of offending or causing emotional pain to anyone.