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My entire life - I have always waited/wanted for things to get better. I know that I have had the power to change that part of my life - to make things better - but I guess because of being a weak person I have been unable to change. I've grown up with a Mother who is schziophrenic. My parents had no friends - no relatives really - the ones they did have were not welcomed because of my Mother's schziophrenia she did not like/want/know how to socialize.

My upbringing looking back was not normal - although at the time I did not know that. My Father had open heart surgery when I was 15 aorta valve replaced - quad bypass - developed an infection then hepatitis from blood transfusions in the hospital for 2 months. My parents NEVER liked each other - aruged all the time - somehow it was always my responsibility to break up the fights - calm the other one down - boy I spent countless hours doing that - since the 2nd grade I remember.............

Years have past - illnesses for both have come - gone - stayed - got worse - better etc. I had a daughter at 18 years old - still to this day I am "shameful" - Had a great career - the one thing I never really got in trouble for. Had 2 bad relationships - one physical abuse - the other mental abuse. But I was always told "not to start" as I still am today. Just put up with it.

My Father lies dying of terminal cancer - my Mother in her worst frame of mind of schziophrenia for the last 2 years than I have ever witnessed - plus other medical conditions. I am their soul care giver......

I've made some friends thru the years - they call - but they don't understand - they have their own lives..............my parents are alone - because of my Mother's illness leaving all the burden on me to do the constant caring. Really haven't been out of the house much in the last 2 years - but even worse the last 5 months.

3 years ago a lession was found in my brain - they still don't know what that is ....but it hasn't gotten any worse - so for that I am thankful ......last June I found that I had right ventricular hypokensis of the heart - just watching that as well - dealing with the chest pains and heaviness - trying not to worry.....then in September the solid mass was found in my breast with undefined borders.....but because of everyone elses needs I have just put that off........

So here I sit 37 years old - with enough medical issues that I feel 80 - caring for people in their 80's with severe medical and mental issues..........my Father will soon be gone - the only person who really loved me - but never really accepted me - leaving me with my Mother who doesn't know how to love.......because of her illness.

I feel so sad and alone. I always try to be positive - look on the bright side.....one day it will be better.....one day it will be "normal".....one day someone will love me unconditionally.........but this weekend I realized that won't happen. I can't even love myself unconditionally - cause nothing I ever do is good enough........so I just wait and continue to care for them both - as I realized that I died a long time ago..........with the only thing left was hope.......but for some reason that is gone as well. I would never do anything to intentionally harm myself...too big of a baby........

Just wondering if anyone else ever lost sight of hope and felt unloved and unworthy and just believes that all the bad happens -because that is all you deserve.

Thanks for reading my pity party!!!

Janet
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Janet~

I just want to hug you. I do not think that what you have is what you deserve, it is just what you have.

I am praying for you in your situation. Do you have any kind of outlet?

Last I read of you, you had a boyfriend that was absolutely of no help, is he gone?

I know that I can't help you, but am here to listen.

Ellen
Ellen:

Thanks for your kind words - they do help some.

Yes, you remember correctly - the boyfriend that is no help. No is he not gone again.....I think he stays right now - so he doesn't look bad to others leaving me while my Father is dying.

I think it is him that sends me to this bad place. With everything I deal with I try to be upbeat. However, when he just disappears for the weekend - won't answer his cell phone then comes back drunk from a binge in Philly - with his step Father's ex wife - it just bothers me (she is our age). But why should I be upset he says....its not like I can do anything - I am just always stuck in the house....and boring and "useless" - I don't do anything for him - so why should he do anything for me?????

Just kinda makes me feel lonely. He says that nobody comes around anymore - cause they don't want to see a "dead man" - meaning my Father. Screaming that he should have died when they said he was supposed to. That he is just taking up space. Poor guy.

I did get out of the house on Friday - 1st time in almost a month. Picked up tulips at the store - went to the bank - got a birthday cake for the cat (I love to eat cake) LOL - and went to the pet store to buy dog & cat toys. One hour it was great -

But its so hard to remain positive when your whole life is kinda crumbling away right around you. Nothing I can really do to control. And then I get sad and although I still give my parents the care that they "need" - I don't give it to them with the "love" and "kindness" they deserve. So maybe that is why I am going thru all this - cause I need to be kinder.......

But like I said it just is so lonely and nobody around me understands and is busy with their own lives. My boss in FL - I am in PA - is wonderful sending me e-mail and calling almost everyday. I've only met her twice - but have been working for them for over 4 years. Without them being so understanding and allowing me to continue to work from home - I don't know where I would be. So I do have some good. I can still pay the bills that need to be paid - I am not going broke by far.......but when digging for that one positive thing in life - that is all I can really come up with.

My other friends tell me its time for Hospice. I think it is as well - but my Father doesn't want that. So I don't do it - not yet......I can still manage this all by myself.

Thanks again for listening!!!

xoxoxooxox
Janet
{{{Janet}}}
I am raising my hand in response to you if I "ever lost sight of hope". You know Angel, you are dealing with so many issues, parents illnesses, relationships, and the one most important, your health. Spiritually, physically and psycholgically.
I too, most of my life, felt unworthy, unloved. Part of the reason I am who I was. Fighting for love, acceptance.
For me, how I began to heal, was to have another medical scare, and an emotional breakdown. I either was going to sink or swim. I chose to swim. I took back my power. What I mean is, I am now taking care of me FIRST. Doing what is best for me. As I begin this new journey, I am finding inner peace, healing. It does get easier when you are practicing taking care of *me* daily.
Please take care of YOU Angel, without you, your dad, mom and daughter have nothing.
Hugs,
Robin~

[This message has been edited by angel437 (edited 03-14-2005).]
Robin:

I have read many of your posts on here - as a source of inspiration for me. You are a strong person - I am not sure that I have that in me. I sometimes long to have siblings or family - but then I see in your case the "family" makes your life so much more complicated. I feel for you -cause what I miss most is not having family - and you have it - and then are not good to you - after everything you have done.

Are you married Robin? Or have someone in your life who just really loves you? My "boyfriend" - for 18 1/2 years (with him I believe cause I am always told by parents not to start and think I can do no better) - his family has this unconditional love for him. I never received that - so I just don't understand it and it makes me soooooooooo jealous. For the 1st 12 years of our relationship he did NOT work....I supported him - while he did whatever he wanted. And all I heard from his family is.........Poor Mark.....he must be bored - sitting @ home while you work - so of course he should go out & drink and have fun - never - Oh Mark should go out & find a job - or clean or cook or do something around the house.....now that he works.....oh POOR MARK works so hard.........he needs to be able to do whatever he wants on the weekend!!!! I just am always supposed to understand - I many not go out of the house everyday to a job for the last 3 years - but I still have to work at home - in my spare time to have the money to pay the bills - plus do all the house work and care for my parents. They just ALL feel bad for Mark - he needs a break???? And I am just mean???? I don't get it???????

Again just me - feeling sorry for myself - and being jealous of what he has. I've asked him if he could take a week off of work (I will pay him) - to help with my parents while I recover from surgery - He says that is NOT HIS problem - therefore - a "NO" - his family says I ask too much oh my!!!!

Thanks again for listening to my pity party!!! I know its up to me to take control - but I just feel so out of control -I don't even know where to begin........

Janet
{{Janet}}
I am glad you find my posts inspiring. You are strong Janet. Look at all you do, doing, done. Not anyone can do what you do. Not everyone can be a caregiver. I honestly believe that your answer is in your soul friend. Dig deep. It is there. I hope you write and read your posts regularly. I do mine, along with writing my own private journal.
Yes, I have siblings, parents, and a husband, and 2 children. I have a home, a job, I go to school. My husband, home, and children and good friends, and this board keep me going. They all are my source of strength. However, I had all these things while having my major meltdown, and developed low self esteem, and fighting for acceptance of my parents. You see Angel, as you said, we are responsible for ourselves. We allow others to treat us as victims. I cannot advise you, but I hope to continue to inspire you. Take baby steps. Start by taking care of your health. Call Hospice, let them help you with dad. I know you say he is close to the end, but your health issues don't need to be. There is so much about you that is wonderful, and special that I can list, and I don't even know you.
Hugs,
Robin~
Janet,

I think I understand your situation fairly well. It leaves one very lonely to have no proper parenting, and without siblings (mine don't speak to me.) My mother suffers from narcissistic personality disorder which prevents her from seeing me as a person separate from her needs and my father has passed away.

The one thing that is clear is that you HAVE to stop postponing your health concerns. Do what you need to do including finding a live in caretaker so you can at least address one issue. This will make you feel so much better -- trust me, as I have just taken a week off my caregiving to take care of one of my issues. It was very empowering to emotionally releasing to know that I was doing something for myself. It took me months to get to the point of knowing I had to do that though. Don't wait until it is too late as I alsmost did.

Perhaps at the moment the only hope you can really hold on to is that there are strangers out there who know what you are going through and care.

When you begin to see your situation as a karmic experience you will have to let go of blaming your parents (as I have tried to do with mine), and the boyfriend, etc. My healer asked me "why I crossed myself?" -- what she meant was why did I let others take advantage of me or not do right by me? That is something I now have to ponder.

Anyway, we are all here because we care, not only for those for whom we are caregivers, but for everyone who is in a struggling with this excrutiating role.
Janet~

I agree with the others, you need to take care of yourself first. I know that your dad doesn't want hospice, but you need it terribly. Sometimes you have to take control and do what is best for you and that will help everyone later.

Have you told your personal doctor how you feel about everything? I have found that my doctor is one of my best allies. She listens to me and offers advice and helps where she cans with medication and suggestions. It has greatly helped me.

You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You may find that you would feel better emotionally if you did a little house cleaning and by that I don't mean the dishes. Sometimes you have to get rid of the things and people around you that are holding your neck under water while you are drowning.

I hope that wasn't too terrible to say. We are all here for you.

Ellen
Please break off with the boyfriend TODAY NOW! I too have a mentally ill parent and wasted many years with abusive men. I truely regret the time wasted with the losers and can never get it back and feel terrible I ever let people treat me the way they did. When you are down and depressed as you are you get these types of abusive men and do not have what it takes to get rid of them. But don't you have enough to deal with without putting up with a guy making you feel so bad? Please go to www.amazon.com right now and get a copy of The Verbally Abusive Relationship. This saved my life and the lives of many other women. Yes, my depression was so bad I did think of ending it all when I was being mentally abused by my last boyfriend. I have not had a man aound me in many years now, and guess what? My depression has not come back in many years either. I am healthier and happier without the type of abusive sick men I was attracting. I live with mom and she is really mentally ill--violent constant mood swings, trying to hit me sometimes, throwing things, etc. but I manage to deal with it. I am not depressed. I have the internet, and my cat, and live where it is nice weather, so I am happy now. I do not need men anymore--menopause took care of that thankfully! But please until you can attract nice men, don't take that s---, stay away from those creeps!
Dear Janet,

I have been reading the other people's comments, and concur with them:

BOYFRIEND: If this boyfriend is pulling you down, you need to reconsider the relationship and rid yourself of anything that has a negative influence on you...remember this is about YOU, not the boyfriend. You need to be forthright with him and tell him that as the relationship now stands, it is having a negative effect and is pulling you down. You need to be free of any such effect.

Hospice: Hospice is not just there for your dad, they are there for YOU. YOU need them now. You just tell your Dad that he might not need them, but you do. Make that contact now.

A Sedative for you: You need to get your doctor to prescribe a sedative to help you through the stress of this. I take Buspar which is non addictive and I also have Alprazolam ( which can be addictive) but I use it only when times are really tense. My doctor knows me and knows I would not abuse it. I probably take one once every two or three weeks. Buspar works just find, but needs to get into ones system and taken regularly.

Outside help: Surely with Social Security for your mom and dad, there should be enough money for you to have someone come in and stay with your parents several times a week. Have you contacted your Area on Aging in your town? They can be a lot of help. Even if you don't go away, it would be nice to have someone a couple hours a day to come in and give you a helping hand.

Helping Strategies: I think we need a forum here called Helpful Strategies where we can share idea that have worked for all of us. We have many, but they are spread throughout all of our comments, instead of being in one place. I'll work on that one.

Cats: I am glad you have cats. I love my Mocha and Pip, but Mocha knows when I am down and gives me a lot of love.

Janet, as I think of more ideas which might bring some comfort to you, I'll post them here. You are STRONG....you just need to take the upper hand. Since I know so little about you, it is hard to direct you for help. I have a good nucleus of friends who are there for me, even just to give them a call when times are bad. And, every night when I put my head on my pillow, I have a conversation with God about my day and what I need...often, He is my salvation....things do just seem to unfold for me...I don't ask how, when , etc...they just do, and I am grateful.

Hugs to you, Janet. The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. Go, girl, and do whatever it takes to promote your best interest.

Anna

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