My entire life - I have always waited/wanted for things to get better. I know that I have had the power to change that part of my life - to make things better - but I guess because of being a weak person I have been unable to change. I've grown up with a Mother who is schziophrenic. My parents had no friends - no relatives really - the ones they did have were not welcomed because of my Mother's schziophrenia she did not like/want/know how to socialize.
My upbringing looking back was not normal - although at the time I did not know that. My Father had open heart surgery when I was 15 aorta valve replaced - quad bypass - developed an infection then hepatitis from blood transfusions in the hospital for 2 months. My parents NEVER liked each other - aruged all the time - somehow it was always my responsibility to break up the fights - calm the other one down - boy I spent countless hours doing that - since the 2nd grade I remember.............
Years have past - illnesses for both have come - gone - stayed - got worse - better etc. I had a daughter at 18 years old - still to this day I am "shameful" - Had a great career - the one thing I never really got in trouble for. Had 2 bad relationships - one physical abuse - the other mental abuse. But I was always told "not to start" as I still am today. Just put up with it.
My Father lies dying of terminal cancer - my Mother in her worst frame of mind of schziophrenia for the last 2 years than I have ever witnessed - plus other medical conditions. I am their soul care giver......
I've made some friends thru the years - they call - but they don't understand - they have their own lives..............my parents are alone - because of my Mother's illness leaving all the burden on me to do the constant caring. Really haven't been out of the house much in the last 2 years - but even worse the last 5 months.
3 years ago a lession was found in my brain - they still don't know what that is ....but it hasn't gotten any worse - so for that I am thankful ......last June I found that I had right ventricular hypokensis of the heart - just watching that as well - dealing with the chest pains and heaviness - trying not to worry.....then in September the solid mass was found in my breast with undefined borders.....but because of everyone elses needs I have just put that off........
So here I sit 37 years old - with enough medical issues that I feel 80 - caring for people in their 80's with severe medical and mental issues..........my Father will soon be gone - the only person who really loved me - but never really accepted me - leaving me with my Mother who doesn't know how to love.......because of her illness.
I feel so sad and alone. I always try to be positive - look on the bright side.....one day it will be better.....one day it will be "normal".....one day someone will love me unconditionally.........but this weekend I realized that won't happen. I can't even love myself unconditionally - cause nothing I ever do is good enough........so I just wait and continue to care for them both - as I realized that I died a long time ago..........with the only thing left was hope.......but for some reason that is gone as well. I would never do anything to intentionally harm myself...too big of a baby........
Just wondering if anyone else ever lost sight of hope and felt unloved and unworthy and just believes that all the bad happens -because that is all you deserve.
Thanks for reading my pity party!!!
Janet
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