I haven't posted much but I do read all of the recent posts from caregivers. My mom passed away last November 7 and I am still having such a difficult time dealing with her death. I cared for her here in my home for almost a year before she passed away. It was very hard for me at times because I didn't really have the support of all of my siblings. My sister had absolutely no hope at all for my mother and basically was waiting for the time to come for my mother to pass. My younger brother did visit more often than my sister but he also did not help me in any way. He never knew what to say after he would visit - especially towards the end when my mom started to really decline. My older brother was here every other week - sitting with my mom while I ran to the store, bringing food that he knew mom would like, etc. I had so much anger for so long mostly toward my sister. I felt she could have helped more. She took vacations and did not come to see our mother. When my mother was first diagnosed my sister and brother wanted to put her in a nursing home. My husband and I refused to go that route and rearranged our home to accomodate my mom. I miss talking to my mom, being with her and even though caring for her was not always easy or pleasant I wish she was here with me. My sister and younger brother just can't understand my feeling this way. I have since let go of the angry feelings toward them. I am a forgiving person. They don't understand that I still have trouble sleeping. I start thinking about everything my mom went through during her illness (colon cancer) and different dates have different meanings for me because I remember all of this still. I am taking medication for depression and my older brother feels maybe the medicine needs to be adjusted. I just feel like I could stay in bed all day if I had that opportunity. Housework does not get done the way it used to. My mother is constantly in my thoughts and dreams. My husband tells me I must subconsciously feel that I should have done more for my mother but that I did all I could have to care for her and make her days better for her while she was here. It's not a guilty feeling I have it's more of an emptiness. Does anyone else have this same feeling? I have been told that caregivers have a more difficult time with the death of someone they cared for.
I feel like I am rambling on and on so please bear with me here! Thanks for listening. I believe writing here will help me cope with the feelings I have.
Thank you for your support!