god's flower

{{{{Jill}}}}

I am not quite sure if your grandmother has made her transition... I assume she has because you said her last three days. Yet, it still isn't clear as you made no real statement.. If she has, I continue to pray that her transition is gentle and nurturing.. and I pray that your healing will be the same. You are a beautiful soul Jill... I hope that you will continue to post, sharing what you are experiencing so that we all may support you.. you have been a remarkable support for all of us with your vision, compassion, understanding, assertiveness and so much more.. blessings dear angel for intervening and helping to make your grandmother's final time here on this earth peaceful, loving and gentle..

gail

Hi,
Yes, G'ma passed away late Thursday night. Mom and I spent Wednesday thru Thursday by her side, holding her hand and praying, praying, praying.
She never woke up but at times her hand would go to her face like she did when she was in a deep conversation with someone. I believe she was getting her "directions",if you will!
What was hard was listening to her breath. She unfortunately had the "rattle". We had hoped her body would be spared that. But it was only for 18 hours or so. Thank God for Hospice. I know they helped keep her free from pain.
A few hours before she passed, I could sense she was finally fighting to cross over. She used to say "Oh gads!" when she was mad or frustrated, and she was saying that towards her last hours like she had had enough.
We were not with her at the time of death. I had my 4 year old with us and she needed some sleep, so we were called when it happened. We did go back and see her before the Funeral home took her. I needed to see her in "peace" without struggling for air.
The cool thing was I knew when she had passed although I was not there. I had just started to fall asleep when I got a sharp pain up my side and I looked at the clock which read 11:38pm. I shut my eyes and then it got stronger again at 11:48pm and that was when I sat up and waited for the phone to ring. Which it did about 30 seconds later. The Nurse said she had passed away about 10 minutes before she called me. So, I am comforted that I was with her in spirit as she allowed me to be with by the pain I felt.
I had the hard job of telling my girls, 8 and 4, when I got home from making funeral arrangements.
I had already told my 8 year the day before she passed that G'ma was dying and had her call my G'ma's room so Mom put the phone to her ear so my daughter could say good-bye one last time. I want her to be apart of the process and know death is a part of life and not to be scared of it. My daughter will also be leading the service after the wake with "The Lord's Prayer".
Her Funeral is Monday and I guess I will need some waterproof mascara for that day! I am doing ok today but the waves of sadness come and go. I just hate how someone say I'm sorry and I go to pieces! I always found that strange.
Anyways, thanks for reading and supporting. I am still a little blah but am going to do some theraputic housecleaning for now.
Bless you!
Jill

Jill,
So sorry to hear of your grandmom's passing.
It had to have broken your heart after such a fight to help her. I hope you and your mother can find some peace in knowing that your grandmom is not suffering anymore and she is waiting and maybe guiding your way now.
Do what you need to do for YOU right now, regardless of what others think you should do, ok. God Bless, Candi

Thank you very much. You know, the one thing I am having a hard time with is how nonchalant people are regarding "my loss". Apparently losing a grandparent is not as significant as losing a parent, to them.
I feel like I never went through anything last week because no-one can throw me a bone and say "sorry". I know most are sympathetic for the daughter(Mom) and they should be. But I can't believe how little a grandparent is regarded.
My 1 friend will go to the Funral(god bless her) and I have literally gotten 1 phone call from hubby's Aunt ,of sympathy. I am absolutely numb about this.
Sorry to be so pathetic and selfish,I just can't believe that people can't offer a word or two more than I have heard. I am sure the Funeral will be where I will hear it but it would be nice to hear it now!
Anyways, gotta get haircuts for the kids.
God Bless..........
Jill

{{{hugs}}} Jill,
I am so sorry to hear about your G'ma. You were such tremendous support for her, and your mother. Totally understand what you are saying about the lack of emotion for the grandchild/ren grieving for their loved one. My grandmother died on my wedding day. We were very close, as well, however, she was from England. I wasn't able to be with her during her transition, and still have a hard time every year on my wedding Anniversary.
Keep writing and sharing your feelings, and talking to your closest support. I honestly believe most people are clueless on *what* to say when someone looses a loved one, including myself.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Hugs,
Robin

Jill...

You did wonderful work for your grandmother. She knows that you were with her. It is amazing how people pick one person to support emotionally and "forget" other family members. I think it's wonderful that your daughter is going to lead the service with prayer. Not only have you helped your grandmother, but you have supported the rest of the family. I hope you take time to take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Hugs
Lou

{{{{Jill}}}}

you are in my thoughts and prayers... I am so glad to know that you were with your grandmother much of the time during the last few days..

your sharing about her hand going to her face as it did in normal conversation gave me goosebumps.. as she was being guided from the other side.

I remember my father's favorite cousin calling in his final hours.. he was in a trance like mode.. his body was closing down and yes there were rattles but I knew that he felt and new we were present even though he was not able to speak.. it's a surreal feeling.. anyway, I held the phone to his ear just so her words could be heard. And then I was speechless as I observed his head move every so closely perhaps a half an inch so that his ear adjusted into the receiver.. he never spoke the day of his passing but we knew that he knew we were with him as he took his final breaths.

The rattles if no one told you are actually the bodily fluids discharging from the organs etc.. we aspirated and swabbed with cotton.. and he went ever so peaceably...
It was truly a miracle to observe.. we could feel his spirit lifting..

I know the relief you must have felt to see your grandmother laying with no stress or difficulty with her breath.. and for you to be able to spend time with her before she was moved to the funeral home.. her soul was with you.. I know it was.. you were very very special to her...

You can tell how energetically connected you were to one another by your picking up on the pain and the phone ringing.. that has happened to me with my grandmother and uncle who passed and it happened when my dearest girlfriend gave birth.. each within a minute of the occurrences.

We don't always honor these intuitive gifts.. I think it is so much easier to use them to help others.. but we must also use it to guide and protect ourselves more..

You are so incredibly wise to have had your little girl call your grandmother... even without her responding.. and encouraging her to be apart of the cycle of life and death..

I know that you know in your heart that tears are healing: they cleanse and they are a release.. and the sadness is the loss of a loved one on the physical plane but never from within.. she will always be with you .. perhaps even guiding you...

YOu mention how you hate when you cry when others say they are sorry.. compassionate, empathic souls where their heart and emotions on their sleeve.. I know when I was growing up my parents told me I shouldn't.. they felt it was a sign of weakness.. but Jill, I firmly believe it's a sign of strength and connectivity.. and even if you managed to hold back the tears, others would sense your sadness... allow yourself to feel everything that comes through you.. without judgment.. for there is no right or wrong way to grieve.. but to be fully present in the emotion you experience in the moment..

I understand that you are needing others to phone and be there for you.. society has not learned to embrace death.. when most people hear of a death, they kinda panic.. they are fearful of death.. many are still fearful of god.. not loving of god even though they may go to church etc.. death is still not something that you would talk about at a cocktail party.. it isn't a conversation that is acceptable unless it is definitely necessary .. the nature of our society has it's focus in a lot of negative places... they are the ones they lose out on the true beauty of life.

I pray your healing will be gentle and nurturing..and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...

Richest blessings

Gail

{{{{{Jill}}}}}

I just read. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am happy that your G-ma is in a better place and in your heart. I have absolutely no doubt she is watchng over you now. She is your Angel.
I know you mentioned about someone saying they are sorry. I believe during the death of a loved one, their are no brave hearts at a time like that. Go ahead and release the tears, the fears, etc. It's sure hard to hide. I agree with Gail that many do not know how ot react to news of death. People have told me, "I have no idea what to say" to someone when they lose a loved one. I believe a big hug, an I love you help. Some will bring you food so you do not have to cook. Some will just sit with you in silence. They all mean well.
I am sorry that you notice that people are not treating you as though you are grieving because it is your G-ma. Jill, some people were never close to their G-parents. I for one hardly so mine. But those that know you well should know what you are going through.
I too think it is wonderful that you involved your children. It made me think how I ignored my daughter's feelings when my mother died. I knew how close my daughter and my mother were (Amy was only 10 then), and I am ashamed I did wipe her tears more. I was too involved in my own grief.
Jill, please keep writing, keep healing. We want to know how you are and what you are doing. I for one am very interested in knowing what life is like after caregiving.
Lots of Love,
Sue

Hi Jill,
I just read your post. I'm so very sorry your grandmother passed away. I know your heart is breaking. Some people may not be able to relate to losing that special bond you had with her or they may not be able to express their feelings. But we validate your loss and our hearts go out to you.
You spent some special moments with her while she was making her journey. In your dark hours, think of her lovely poem.
Don't be sorry to fall apart over this loss. She was worth it. I still cry for my Dad and he's been gone 6 years. I'm happy I still have those deep feelings for him. He was so special to me and my heart will always ache for that loss.
People told me at his funeral that it will get easier. It never does but you'll learn to incorporate that into your life because the joy you've had with her will in time outweigh the pain.
My thoughts are with you.
Chris

Hi Jill~

Just wanted to send you a big hug {{HUG}}!

I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope you and the family are well.

Hugs,
Robin

Thank you everyone!
It has been a week that won't quit! My 4 year old woke up sick on Monday, the Funeral day. She got worse as the day went on. Then Tuesday the earache, sorethroat started for her. Then our house sprung a leak in the foundation or support wall of the garage. They start jack-hammering the concrete next week. Every day this week, every light I touch blows light bulbs and the remote batteries all died! It's like I am not being allowed to think about things or have any quiet time.
The service was great. My 4 year old put a tic-tac in the casket for G'ma. We all busted up! Then as my 4 year old was looking at G'ma she was very concerned about where her feet were! She made me promise that they were still there. Interesting to see through the eyes of a child!
I feel like G'ma was the glue of decency in my family and feel a little lost now. It's like she was the best reason for holiday and birthday get-togethers and I have no interest in trying to get together with our small, small family.
Other than that it has really been a long week.
I appreciate the hugs and I guess with a death in the family, I really hoped I would have a nice transistion. I know this will pass and there a phases to go through but I want to skip them all right now.
Well, sorry to whine. It does help to write it down and get a visual on paper of where I am at at least.
Thank you all for your time.
God bless!
Jill

{{{Jill}}}}

I am smiling as I read your post... I wonder if your grandmother is blowing all the light bulbs and trying to get your attention to lighten up... just a thought.. I loved hearing how your little one put a tic tac in the casket... she must be precious...

I am sure your grandmother was the glue.. and sometimes it isn't uncommon to not have a need to get together with family in the same fashion..if there is something that is going on that hasn't been healed, perhaps this is an ideal time to work through it.. and if it is just a feeling, allow yourself to go with it and to be comfortable with it.

Please stay with us Jill.. you are a bright light to all of us... take care may you journey become more gentle and nurturing...

gail