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If this is to personal a question just say so please. I will understand. I believe both of you stated that you are not on speaking terms with your mothers. Are they sick? And if something happened to her, how would you handle (deal) with it? I don't want to talk to my mother because nothing will ever change but if something happens to her I have to live with my decision the rest of my life.Caught between a rock and a hard place.
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Happy to answer your questions.
Yes, my mother is a very ill woman. To be honest, my parents have been ill my entire life, don't know either one healthy. If you check the spotlight angel, you will find my story. I too had these emotions and questions of *what if's*, actually my entire life. We cannot live our lives asking that question. Fact is, something will happen to them. How I have been able to handle these feelings? Well, I let go of the guilt. I know who I am, what I have done, and what sort of daughter I have been. I have done nothing wrong, and will always believe that my mother knows that as well. I also know that no matter what I say, or write or do with my mother and my relationship, she will never change. I am the one that needed to do the changing. If my mother leaves this world today, she will leave with unfinished business, but, I will not.
You will make the right choice for you dear angel, as any choice you make will be the right one.
Keep taking care of YOU, first.
Hugs,
Robin
Hello lalady:

I believe that sometimes there are relationships that need a lot of healing. Perhaps more than what we can do in a single lifetime... My mother is doing well except she is getting "frailer" from what I hear...

It really isn't me not talking to her, I have done everything to reach out and communicate with her. But she feels that her daughters should call her regularly so she can abuse, insult, demean and carry on however in general. Now, mind you, she doesn't swear or even call anyone names - it is hard to explain.

So, what I do, is give her presents on the special occasions and leave it up to her to call me. Maybe someday she will call and say thank you! LOL!!! In the meantime, I am okay with that because that is in the spirit of love.

There are just times in life where we have to establish boundaries. And to have, as Angel pointed out, knowledge of who we are... So, I think, we gradually accept ourselves for who we are and quit beating ourselves up...

Hugs, Glenda


[This message has been edited by glenderella (edited 08-23-2006).]
Wow! There are people in the same boat as I. I hospiced my Mother, who is now deceased, for over 3 years. From the exact moment of her last breath, my family decided everything I did was wrong for my Mom. They planned all the funeral arrangements, which Mom and I had discussed many times prior. I had to call the police the day of her funeral to get my brother out of my house. He came over and demanded I give him my Moms purse and wallet and that sort of stuff. This is the selfish ______ that did not see my Mom for 2 months before she passed. In any case, my dad, who was 91 at the time went into major panic attacks when ever I tried to talk to him. I am positive my sister, who is a Catholic nun and my money loving brother have turned my dad against me. The first year or so, I almost lost it with the "what ifs" and 'maybe"s'.Everytime I reached out to any of them, my arm got shorter and shorter if ya get what I mean. I did the anti-depressants, the counseling ect... Finally I prayed to the Lord and my Mom. I feel as tho I lost my entire family and I might have well have. We have not spoken in over 2 years. I send an occasional card to my dad with no response. I live 60 miles from them now and I still subscribe to their local newspaper just to read the obits! I am sure they would not let me know if anything happened. But, I am at peace now with my decision.Holidays are still a bit tender for me, BUT, I am woman, hear me roar! I WILL SURVIVE no matter what. So do what you all have to, but find peace with your decisions, then move on. I will pray for all of you....
Hello Diane,
I hear you roar.....as I too have not spoken with my entire family (3 sisters, and a brother) for 3yrs now. Lots of drama from them while I was caring for my father in my home, including my only brother, the oldest, coming to my home telling me how much he hates me. He and my oldest sister, and my mother also *stole* my power of atty over my father, after they put him in a Nursing Home, while I was taking a 2 week respite. It is a difficult journey letting go of the hurt, as I have my moments of sadness, especially when something triggers a good memory,or happy times of the past.
Hugs,
Robin



[This message has been edited by angel437 (edited 08-24-2006).]
Thanks for responding,Diane
The hurt and guilt at times are unbearable but my heart tells me not to bend to them anymore. My bending days are over. The damage is done. I am not saying that in time we won't talk again but it will never be the same.....to much water under the bridge and my feelings have changed toward them. As of right now I am standing my ground.If they think it was me,so be it. I can't change that and I know in my heart how I felt and what they have done to me.
I am hurting but I will just have to deal with it. My mother is one stubborn woman and she is so use to me going back for more and making things right and 2-3 days later the cycle starts all over again. I can't take it anymore and I won't. I pray to God asking him to guide me in this very hurtful and stressful time in my life.
Hello Lalady... I have responded to your two other posts..

http://www.care-givers.com/ubb...m26/HTML/000195.html

http://www.care-givers.com/ubb...m26/HTML/000194.html

You know lalady, we get very caught up in the dynamics that we have acted out in our co dependent relatioships with loved ones..

If you were to never see your mother again, you must know deep from within your soul and understand that you have given as fully as you could.. and that you will have no regrets.. perahps sadness that you could never see eye to eye and meet each one from a place of unconditional love and balance.. but this may never happen...

My thoughts are that you must truly forgive your adult self and your little child from within... honoring and lvoing bth are vitally important to your soul.

You will never heal your relationship with your mother if you keep pointing the finger at her because she will coninusouly need to defend herself.. it's such an emotionally hook... if you are able at sometime to really meet with her and share what your needs are from a loving space vs a hurtful, needy space, then you may take it to a whole new dimmension.. for the time being, I encourage you to do what you need to do to heal your heart..start doing things daily, specifically for you with love, that make you feel better about you.. take a bath by candlelight.. soak in some healing aromatherapy mixtures that will calm and heal you.. take time to get away from everything that keeps you feeling stuck.. a chance to open yourself up.. open your hearet to something bigger.. you have been boxed in and these ideas will help you to breathe freer and begin a deeper healing process further..

keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

gail

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