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My husbandis 54 years old and down in his back with bulging discs and arthritis.  He's been getting pain shots but they cna't do surgery because he is overweight and diabetic.  He is loosing weight but not enough for surgeyr yet.  He also has COPD.  I work full time. He stays home.  He draws disability.  The problem is he can only move enough to get from the bed (where he lays all day becuase it hurts less) to the bathroom.  I work.  I come home at lunch to get his lunch.  Some days i ahve to get someone to cover for me so i can get his lunch.  He thinks, at least i feel he thinks, that my office should always cover for me so i can come home at lunch and get off at 5. sometimes i do have to work over.  we all do.  he is very dependent on me.  and i am resenting not having a life of my own.  i resent havin to do eveyrthing for him.  we have no kids so it is all on me.  i am trying to be a loving supportive wife and i do what needs to be done.  and i try to do it with a smile but it does get frustrating.  thanks for listening.  i just needed to vent i think.  God bless all on here.

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Hello Mya:

 

I am sorry to hear of your hubby’s health troubles. My first thought is he is way too young… And I worry about his approach to his health problems. It is much easier to lose weight if a person is active. Hence, the surgery could be done. Just my thoughts for what they are worth…

 

However, this is about you. I so understand the feelings of resentment having nursed mine along for way too long when caring for my father. It is not easy to care for another and it can be so demanding that other things do suffer as a result.

 

There is a volunteer organization called Faith in Action that does assist in such situations. Perhaps they could do lunch or assist you in other resources such as Meals on Wheels…  Even if you schedule a day or so each week that would alleviate some stress related to working. Other options might include the religious communities in your area or, perhaps through the city you live in. You might even check with the senior center even though your hubby is a little young.

 

The website for Faith in Action is:   http://www.fianationalnetwork.org/ (It is called the  National Volunteer Caregiving Network  now I guess). They provide transportation, shopping, light housekeeping, meals etc.  Please do check out their website and give them a call! Meanwhile, don’t nurture those feelings of resentment! Unfortunately, it only hurts you more than anything in the long run. So, dearheart, take a deep breath. Find some time for yourself with a cup of tea or refreshment and connect with what you want and how you want things to be. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings to your husband in a caring manner if you wish. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dear hubby.

 

Hugs, Glenda

Last edited by glenderella

Hi, mya.

 

Well this one certainly hits very close to home.  You are where I was a little over 10 years ago.  It's a struggle, to say the least.  I couldn't come home every day for lunch and actually would make a sack lunch for my DH and then call him to remind him to eat it and take his meds.

 

Later, it became more practical for me to work from home - mostly due to changes at the office, but also because of other family concerns and I was just ready to be my own boss.  Right now my biggest resentment is for the loss of career income for both of us.  But that's another thread.

 

If you can manage at least one day a week where you can take yourself to lunch, with a girlfriend would be great, or go home for lunch but get to take your time getting home in the evening, it might diffuse your resentment a little.

 

Sometimes you just have to put your foot down.  I agree with Glenda that you should reach out to an agency for help to get you some breathing room.

 

Good luck.  Please keep posting and let us know how you are.

Cyber hugs and positive energy to you!

Barb

 

Welcome MYA.... I am truly sorry to hear what you are going through with your hubby... he is so young but there are definitely steps he can take to help himself more with arthritis, copd, etc... no coffee, meat, dairy.. a fast to clean him out of all the toxins..let him check this out online.. let him become more involved in his own healing process...

 

both Glenda and Barb have offered sage advice...you are doing the best you can... communication is important and you need to have your needs expressed to your husband as well so that you can work more efficiently as a team..my sense is he is feeling sorry  for himself and helpless.. but there are books to read and so much online that can assist him in overcoming this.

 

One more thing... keep in mind the phrase after me you come first... hubby must understand that you are doing the best you can... if something were to happen to you, who would care for him...

 

you have found a safe place to vent . please remember you are not alone...

 

richest blessings in all you are doing.

gail

Thank you so much!  It helps to have a place where others understnad what I am going through.  Thank you for your suggestions.  We have this weekend talked and have started being strict on the diabetic way of eating so we can both loose weight.  And this week I have a lady staying with him during the day to help him while i work.  She is a sweetie and is even cleaning my house for me.  So that will help me tremendously.  Thank you all for your suggestions.  May God Bless each of you and your families. 

Well, things took a downhill turn.  He is in hospital. Had to have a trach.  breathing problems.  Doing good right now.  We will see what happens from here.  He will go to a speciality hospital to learn how to live with the trach and learn how to talk and eat again and to get his strength up.  Wow, so much to handle right now.  But i'm hanging in there.  Kind of been enjoying these last two weeks he was in ICU. Bad to say but it was peaceful for me.  When I got home i could do what i wanted to around the house without him bugging me about stuff.  Been sleeping better at night I have.  I know, sounds bad but it's true.  Been enjoying being at home just me and the pups.  Am i a bad person becuase I"ve been enjoying that? 

Oh, MYA.  Of course you are not a bad person.  You are burned out and in need of a change/break from caregiving.  You are on respite, that's all.  You know he's in good hands, so you are taking this time to re-energize.

 

If the situation warrants, when he does come home, see if he can have a home health nurse come in to help.

 

Hugs,

Barb

Hi Mya:

 

Don't feel bad about how you feel! I remember those times and it was very easy to relax knowing my loved one was in much better hands than mine... As Barb says, this is needed time for you to re-energize.

 

The other good point Barb makes is about getting home health care afterwards. Even though it is difficult to have a loved one in the hospital, this does give you time to catch a breath. That is so helpful when on such a roller coaster ride!

 

Let us know how it's going. You and your hubby are in my thoughts and prayers Mya.

 

Hugs, Glenda

Thanks everyone.  He is still in ICU as of today.  Still on vent attached to the trach.  So I go see him at two to of the visiting times every day.  At this point not sure whenhe will go to rehab speciality hospital to learn to take care of trach and get his strength back.  So one day at a time.  Thanks for listening.  Bless you all!

Hello Mya... for some reason these posts haven't been coming through my emails... and all of a sudden, poof... they were there... you bad???? for needing to rest from the stress and overwhelm... you need to take advantage of it because the challenges can just pile up....

 

I pray your hubby will be on the mend quickly...sending loving energy and prayers to both of you... please keep us posted... richest blessings in all you are doing.

 

gail

Thankyou all for your encouragement.  Things aren't looking too good right now.  His kidneys are not functioning well at all.  His blood pressure keeps dropping, can't keepit up.  he's got a severe lung infection.  and is on 100% ventilator.  So, I'm just watchin and waiting.  I feel like I'll have to make a decision within the next coulple of days as to stopping the ventilator.  I'm praying about that.  Sure hoping the Lord will guide me.  

Hello Mya,

 

You sound like you have the right perspective for what needs to be done. It is interesting but when the decisions are placed before us, I believe we are guided to make the right choices. It isn't easy.. but so much is breaking down... my thoughts and prayers are with you both.... blessings in all you are doing  gail

Just wanted to let you know that my husband passed away on the 16th.  I know he is not hurting now and is at peace.  Thank you so much for the support on this site.  It really, really helped me to know that there was a place I could come to where people understood how I was feeling.  May God Bless all o fyou!

Hello Mya,

 

I am sorry to hear of your husband's transition. Please accept my warm condolences. In my heart, I pray his transition was gentle and that you and your family's healing is gentle and nurturing as well.

 

I felt he was nearing his end but you never know how an individual can rally.

 

From your past posts, it sounded as if you may have sensed it as well.. you did God's work caring for him and loving him.

 

Please know that the grieving process can also be a roller coaster,. please stay connected to us to help you through this time as well..

 

richest blessings

 

gail

thank you Gail, yes I did know it was coming.  I think this past month God has prepared me for this.  I did all my crying before he actually passed away.  I think some people think I'm weird becuase I didn't cry when he actually passed or at the funeral but I think I was cried out.  I was at peace becuase I know he was at peace and he wasn't hurting anymore.  I'm not saying it's easy, but it's easier.  If you understand what I"m saying. 

Hello Mya

 

Yes, I totally understand.. he was struggling to live and stay alive..and yes, when we come to terms with it before the passing we cry so much because we understand... so it is a relief when he is finally at peace... just know there will be more tears... it comes in waves.. for me the birthday, the anniversary,  the first for everything is sad... and yes, others who have not walked in your shoes can never begin to comprehend it...but always remember we are here for you...

 

bless you

 

gail

jUst an update to let you know I'm doing okay.  Made it through the holidays fine.  Had a couple of bad days of course but mostly doing okay.  Cleaning stuff out of the house that seems to have accumulated over the years.  And working.  My new normal.  But doing okay.  Thanks to all of you for your encourgement and prayers.

Hi Mya, I haven't been here in a long while, but read your sad story. I am sorry for the loss of your mate. It sounds like you are a fighter and are bouncing back rather well. There will be down days as well as good days and that's to be expected.Keep taking good care of yourself.

 

 I lost my first love (we were first loves) a year ago Dec. 17 and although we were not together, we stayed in touch and even saw each other for decades. I last spoke to him about two weeks before he passed, and his last words are engraved in my brain. One of which was "I love you".

 

I made it a point to have a long conversation with him about things we wanted to say when I was almost certain he may not pull through his ordeal. The first holidays were rough but have dealt with the loss.

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