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Aloha Alice,

You are certainly carrying many heavy loads on your shoulders. There are good people here who can help. While I'm not in the same situation as you I can sure understand your remarks about the way your husband is acting and making you feel. My hubby is 70 and also has an "anal" personality. There have always been only two way to do anything......HIS way and the wrong way! Since his stroke we have had to find a new way as he can no longer do much of anything. I'm not mean about it (well, maybe sometimes) but I found that if I didn't do what I could, the way I needed to do it I couldn't get anything done. We went though some rough times at first but after I sat him down and told him either he had to leave me to figure things out or he was going to have to find a way to take care of them himself we've reached a fairly livable situation. It's hard on men, especially these "perfectionist" ones, to be helpless. I know this. But, my god,I had to find a way to make it work or I'd go nuts. I'll tell you about the incident that finally gave me the courage to tell him I'd reached the end of my rope. He had decided he was going to get his drivers license. Scary, as he has a completely paralyzed right shoulder, arm and hand, his right leg is about 60%, 50% of the time and it has spasms that can last for minutes. He can't remember how to use his TV remote most of the time. Anyway, he went down to take the drivers test early in the AM when he was fresh and he "talks" a good story when he wants to. With a few adjustments to a regular car he can drive. They gave him a 6 month licence. I was furious and petrified. When his friend brought him home after he passed his test Dick limped over to his recliner, flopped down, looked at me with those pitiful, poor me eyes and said, "(big sigh)...honey, I'm so tired (another sigh) get me glass of juice (sigh)." I totally lost it ! I turned around to him and screamed, "If you can drive a car you can damn well get your own juice !" And I went out on the lanai (would have slammed the door too but it's a slider and it won't slam). I stayed out on the lanai through his lunch time and thought and thought and then I went in and we had our "talk" about the new rules and regs. It's not good all the time and we both backslide, but I no longer waste any time and energy worrying about trying to do things up to his standards. To be blunt, I either do it the best way I can at the moment or it doesn't get done. Sometimes I'll look over at Dick, sitting there at the table with a hopeless, helpless, "I'm worthless" look in his eyes and I'll go over and give him a hug and a pet and want to cry for what he's lost and then other times I see the same look and I want to grab him and shake him and tell him to get off his "pity pole" and learn to do something useful. All the doctors, therapists, etc. told me from the start that there would be days that were up and down and sideways. And there are. It's a roller coaster. I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't make it through another day without this site to go to. I find strength here and for some reason just being able to put my thoughts down (good or bad) makes them fade away a little. I can't write in a journal anymore (can't even read my own writing) so I just type it out here. It works for me. Hope you can find comfort here too. Judi
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Hi Judi:

It is because of you and many others here that make this site such a blessing. Your warm and wonderful support of all of us here is priceless... There have been many times that you have lifted many of us up from the depths of despair since the day you discovered us here.

I know it must be much harder for you and Alice dealing with a spouse. With our parents, we know that they are old already (they always have been if you know what I mean)... However, it is never easy and definitely is a roller coaster ride.

I love that you give Dick the big hug and a pet when you see that he is in need of reassurance and love. That is the best thing you can do... I see that in my Dad a lot lately. Don't we wish we could do more?

Hope all is well with you dear heart... Meanwhile take care of you! You are precious to share your story with Alice and all of us here...

Love and Hugs from Glenda
Hi Miriam,

Just to let you know...we didn't have any damage. A couple of BIG, lengthy jolts and some crooked pictures and I dropped a glass and broke it. We live on the southern tip of the Big Island and the epicenter was in the northwest area (about 80 miles away). The TV reports were greatly exaggerated!! Most of the damage was to the cement structures (roads, piers, etc.) Hope some of the $$$'s they funnel in here actually end up in the hands the "little" people who had damage to their house foundations, etc. Don't get me started on that soap box. Only intended to tell you we are okay and to say mahalo for your concern. Judi
Morning Judy,
Glad to hear all is okay by you. Yes, the news reports were exaggerated. It really sounded much worse and I thought I remembered you mentioning you live on the Big Island.

Off the subject completely here...you mentioned you retired there from Washington state I believe. I'd love to be able to talk to you about that. If you are interested, please email me. Thanks and have a great day,
Miriam

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