greetings to all. it's been a long time since i have been able to visit this board but i need some advise . . .
here's the situation . . . grandma came to live with us 2 years ago at her asking. she had fallen twice and after the second fall in 3 months, was laying on the bed in her apartment (i had just arrived) and we were waiting for the paramedics to show. as she is laying in bed waiting, she literally begs me not to put her in a nursing home and asks to come live with me . . . i said of course as she was always there for me growing up instead of my mother, her daughter. she said she couldnt go live with her daughter who is the only other family member living (not including my kids). she's been with us 2 years and has been doing great. she is now 94. here comes the question . . .
i closed my business after 7 years and took over a $20,000 loss in doing so so i could be home with grandma and lost any and all means of support. grandma realized this and insisted i take money out of a joint account we created when i sold her house for her. we met with an attorney for guidance but agreed it wasnt necessary to set up a living trust. he suggested a monthly allowance from grandma in the range of $2,000 to $3,000 for me monthly. i felt that was way to much and grandma and i agreed on $1,300 a month that i would take out of the joint account. this money is used to cover diapers, prescriptions, food and other items for her care while she is living with us and to allow me to take care of a few of my bills while i am unable to work. grandma is incredibly spoiled living at our house. tonight she had stuffed mushrooms, bbq ribs, rice, corn on the cob and cheesecake for desert. at her age and after the nursing home time, i tend to feed her only the best and pamper her like she deserves to be. when you break the $1,300 down, it comes to $1.75 an hour that i am getting for food, electric, prescriptoins, diapers, shelter and the like. i am looking for your thoughts on this amount. money is really not an issue for grandma (has $150k still in bank) and considers her monthly ss checks her "mad money" for the hairdresser, pedicures, lunch out with the girls and it also pays her aarp supplement insurance.
had grandma gone in to a nursing home two years ago, most of that money would have been gone. my issue is that my mother doesnt feel it fair that i am receiving that money from grandma and feels i am "robbing her blind". that is what she has told my grandmother. grandma means the world to me and my mother is a very vindictive and spiteful person who feels that since she is the daughter, she is "entitled" to it. grandma doesnt trust my mother and doesnt want her to get the money. i know this because every month i sit down with grandma and do her bills and she always tells me to take more than the $1,300 because i deserve it and she doesnt want her daughter to have it. grandma says the daughter doesnt deserve it because she doesnt do anything for grandma but create problems. grandma went with the daughter during the thanksgiving holiday weekend for three days and came back with two spinal fractures that prompted me to take her to the er for treatment. my mother is adamant that they didnt happen at her house . . . the doctors at the er say otherwise but my mother still insists it didnt happen there even though she called me saturday morning to say grandma's back was bothering her. my mother has only seen her one other time since then and that was for a two hour lunch about a week ago and she only lives 15 minutes away and doesnt work. she is not allowed in our home for all the aggravation and problems she has caused over the past few years but i have no problem with her taking grandma out. i don't speak with my mother for many reasons, one of which includes she is delusional and lives in her own world after drinking for many years and then finally quitting.
my mother is more worried about her inheritance being spent than the fact that grandma is being taken care of. her latest is that i "forced" grandma to come live with me. yeah, right -- that's a good one. lol. the woman begged me . . . my mother doesnt realize that if grandma was in a home, everything would be gone. my mother also doesnt realize that grandma has discussed her will with me that she made almost 20 years ago that doesnt give her daughter everything nor does my mother know that grandma made me the executor but that's gonna be another fight . . .
i would love to hear other's thoughts on this subject and what you might think is a fair amount . . . we all give up so much being a caregiver 24/7 and i don't want to feel guilty because grandma helps with household expenses instead of being in a $282 a day nursing home like she was when she first fell. love to hear your thoughts . . . thanks . . . my prayers and thoughts are with you all and we walk together in this journey.