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For my beloved I would put my head into the guillotine
The day is coming to walk down these stairs a final time
And it had to come when I would get into her morphine
To see if I could bring some relief to my anxious mind.

Since she's been home she's never left her bed
She is already flat out and just floating on a cloud
There seems like a ghostly wind blowing in my head
While I never thought that silence could be so loud.

And I'll be condemned to be wandering all around
Aimlessly drifting without a purpose or a reason
While I know that I will board anything outbound
And to my own self I will have committed treason.

mike
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Dear One:

It is like we miss our loved one so. I got up and went to school at 10:00 to finish a project. At 12ish I came home and managed to catch my beloved father up to fix him breakfast.

Then I went back until they kicked us out at 2:00. Project still not done... and my classmate came over and we worked until 7:30 p.m. without a sight of dad. I miss him so. How can I keep on trying to have a future without him?

Hugs from Glenda
Glenda, I can just see your dad making breakfast, almost can smell those eggs cooking or was it pancakes? When I was a morning paperboy back when I was a young teen I remember the chilly mornings delivering papers and smelling eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast floating through the air and into my nostrils. Amazing how a scent can take us so far back into our past in such a vivid way.
Guess you must be wondering now where am I going with this. I don't really know to be honest, but perhaps you might be interested. I wouldn't eat bacon now or hash browns, but maybe an egg now and then when someone in my wife's family lays one, but I still like the smell of those things, even if I don't want to put them into my mouth. I don't know what it means, probably nothing, but it just came into my mind with you coming back and seeing your dad making breakfast. I get a sense of a real independent man all his life, a rugged man with a heart of gold.

I really don't think you have to prepare for a life in the future without your dad. I got a feeling he will always find a way to be with you. Please, I know, but I want to say those words. I want to end this day on a positive note. I haven't seen my wife in an hour or so cause Martha is here, the niece. I wish I had a tranquilizer gun to put her to sleep, or send in the natives with the poison darts.

Anyway, I want to be so near my wife and yet that is when the pain is at the zenith and its most intense, but what's the alternative, to not be with her, and though that might mask the pain now, but it will just make the pain so much worse when she is gone, perish that thought.

Here I sit knowing that soon I will lose my beloved, bereft and set aimlessly adrift, and also to lose this home not that I would want to stay in a place that my wife expired in, that soon I will be in search of a new place to live, knowing that I won't be able to tolerate staying in this town, then my travels will have to take me far from here, that soon I will be uprooted, that I might not even be able to maintain an internet connection which has been a lifeline for me, that soon I will be without a friend in the world, totally in the dark with plenty of boogeymen rising from the cracks and not the friendly Casper the ghost variety either.

And if my wife is gone it will seem like she has never existed, though evidence of her existence will certainly be in the pain I shall constantly bear for her among so many other things and people and she has touched many. Will the contents of her brain or mind transform into her soul so what she loved will always be a memory for her that never shall die, though not in physical form?

I shouldn't have responded. I really need to go to bed while I still have one.

The past and the future are enemies of the now, but if only now would cease to move so we can experience eternity in life and not just in death.

Morbidly yours,
mike
Hi Joy,
My batteries are just about depleted and need to be recharged, but tomorrow morning they should be at least partially recharged since I can't any longer expect a full charge on what sleep I manage to get.
I will answer one of your questions now and yes I was here before but haven't been posting for four months. Been here since Feb. 2005 when I came upon this site during one tear fulled middle of the night. I was posting up to four month ago under the name of Mick and most of his stuff is still here though I do admit in frustration and some mild anger I did delete several or more of my poems and posts, but I assume most are still here.

I think a lot of what was going on in my life then are there in those early poems, but to sum up as best I can now in my weariness, I was upset with the medical treatments, particularly the delay in getting my wife into surgery when even Donald Duck would have known it was ovarian cancer at a critical juncture, also my wife's family treated me in the hospital like it was my fault all because I tried to change her diet to make it better but they were relentless in giving me the silent treatment with a pitbull tenacity, even though a sister of my wife died last year of colon cancer on November 11, 2005 and I didn't change her diet at all, but believe me I bet they were looking for a way to blame for that one too.

Also when my wife was released she stayed with her sister for almost a year cause of the stairs here she was too delicate to climb, though that is debateable, and either I had to sit through the Spanish inquisition Colombian style visiting my wife there or not see her at all, and I did both, along with all the worry, well, I sometimes blew a head gasket, and then I took out some of my frustration here and got slightly chastised, plus I went through a real suicidal period which was reflected in a lot of my poems which also was a disturbance here, but the last four months have been transforming for me thanks to my friendship with Mimi who stayed in contact with me during those months communicating with me every day and even when I became non-responsive at times for whatever I was going through she continued to send emails of concern and friendship which I shall be ever grateful for as the world would have been a very foreboding and lonely place without that friendship.

I am not out of the woods by any means. In fact, the woods are the more darker now than they have ever been and death is now like a panther in that darkness in a crouching position about ready to pounce on my wife at anytime and its shadow is ever more apparent, so once again things are at a very critical state and as of now I am not ready for such a transition, but ready or not here it comes.

So how am I doing now writing in my sleep? Gloria, my wife developed breast cancer back in the summer of 2003 which was treated with two surgeries, both lumpectomies with radiation, and then in February of 2005 she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer stage 3c and when they opened her up there were two tumors, one a grapefruit, the other a cantaloupe as far as size goes, and when it was over she was left with two outside bags with part of her colon cut away. It's a miracle really she has hung on this long and a real testament to her strength derived from her devote faith in her beliefs which are steadfast which makes me believe she can still and must fight for that is her true spirit, not to just give up.

We do have a 23 year old son who during that terrible year of 2005, this one will be worse, but during that year he managed to graduate from college, UCSD with a major and a minor in theater and film study, and also learned to be her caregiver in being able to change her ostomy bags along with connecting her up to a nightly IV for nourishment and also gives her shots of blood thinners and procrient. I handle the intimate stuff, not Victoria Secret intimate stuff, unless diapers qualify as lingerie. Well, that's it in a nutshell or a coconut.

That is very perceptive Joy that you intuited that I must have been posting my writings here for longer than Butley has been on. If you are interested you will find them under Mick. I haven't gone back to look myself yet, but maybe I should.

If my wife goes soon, who needs suicide, I'll probably drop dead the way I am feeling now.

If I said anything wrong here remember I wrote this in my sleep.

Good night Joy and may your tomorrows always be better days. I will answer your other question tomorrow. Sorry, so tired.

Take care,
mike
Thanks for your reply Mike. I am so sorry for your plight, that of your family, and the fact that you inlaws are so heartless.

I have an 18 yo son that is about to go to college. He got a scholarship in theater, so we share this common thread as well. I walked down the hall yesterday to put something away, and caught myself leaning against his doorpost crying like a baby. He has been pure sunshine, well, his entire life. I don't know what I'll do without him when he leaves, for he has a gift of bringing laughter to the hardest of hearts! I will miss him terribly. Yet my husband has been smiling more this week, and even laughing out loud for the first time since his last surgery in Jan.

I'm thinking my husband is thrilled that the two sons will be going to school, for then he will receive much more of my attention. Maybe that's only right, for who knows what tomorrow may bring.

He's been doing well, but last night, on our little venture out to eat, he could hardly raise his fork to his mouth. I thought I would need to feed him to get the meal into him. His right side is getting weaker, they say from either mini strokes or mini seizures. Who knows?

I know you didn't ask about my family. It is hard not to speak of our loved one, is it not? For they consume our every thought, our every moment.

I pray that you will have a good day with your sweetheart today Dear Mike. I pray that she can respond to you easily and that she will be in less pain than usual. You and your family will be in my thoughts. God bless you all today ~ J
I am glad you wrote Joy and also glad that you speak of yourself and your family. I understand how all consuming everything is, how each and every teardrop is like a crack opening up in the dam and how quickly the trickle can become like water gushing out of a firehose.

Yes, it sure is a thread that your son is going off to college and to major in theater which our son just majored in! Our son's name is Gabriel by the way. Sounds like they might have a major interest in common.

Right now I feel betrayed by my son. He has been seduced and brought under the spell by one of the nieces, Martha. She has finally found a way to get under his radar as someone who cares and wants to help. It's all a ruse.

None of my wife's wishes are going to be carried out I can see that. She wants her ashes and mine to be together someday, but I am sure the family if and when that time comes, will take over the crematory process and receive the ashes of my wife and that I will never even get to hold the urn in my hands. My wife also wants me to have her convent crucifix, but I don't want to take it off her wall now right above her, but that will be tackled when the time comes by the family like safeties go after a quarterback making a dash toward the end zone and with just as much frenzy and fury.

I am sorry, I woke up being consumed with this. The condo is in my son's name or soon will be and I have always wanted it that way. When we got bad news about how ominous my wife's last CAT scan was he came home and told me to begin packing my things, that he will sell this place immediately though we have only been here a couple of years so there isn't much equity in the place.

Now it is becoming crystal clear that he will go to Matha's place and I will be walking down these stairs to wander around in a daze on the streets heartbroken over the loss of my wife. I wish I was the type to become a barfly, but I don't drink anything but fruit and vegetable juices and I don't suppose you can drink yourself into a drunken stupor with those substances.

I apologize for writing so cut and dry, or so infantile sounding, and perhaps I am seeming a bit self-centered here or a lot. I am under constant tension and I worry about the impact all this is having on my health. After all; all I have to take care of me is me.

As far as your question to what I do, well, basically my day is filled with reading and writing, along with taking walks, mainly over to the library, but to stores too, and that's it. I guess I am addicted to books or to reading, though most the time what I read doesn't seem to have any relevence to anything. Guess it is my daily fix.

Sometimes it all seems so futile, but I can't think of a better way to fill up my day though I long to travel far and wide in this country and maybe Canada, if only on a Greyhound bus. I dream of living my life out on a Greyhound bus going from town to town only stepping of at bus terminals to buy another book to read while on the bus. I could get one of those passes for indefinite bus riding and keep renewing them or buying another one.

I do receive a stipend from the government, on SSI, which isn't enough to live on really in southern California unless you are satisfied boarding in a room in someone's home or living in a hotel room in south central LA with crack addicts outside your window in the alley below with the occasional gunshots going off, but I am sounding so dramatic aren't I? My son chooses not to want to be with me when his mother goes so I will be losing him as well almost immediately.

He got interested in acting when he was in ninth grade and was in a play. It all started when some actor teacher gave him a lot of praise for that performance and I don't mean to worry you, but since he's gotten interested in acting and actors he changed. Instead of being himself, it seemed like he went through being like the different actors he admired. First there was James Dean and boy was that a rebellious time with him and also the silent and strong or macho. There have been so many and now it is Johnny Depp, though I must admit he has really matured as a caregiver to his mother and even got a new interest in perhaps helping others by wanting to get into the medical profession, so he went back to college to take classes in biology and chemistry.

I love theater myself and the movies, and I find certain characters in movies also that I really identify with and almost want to use that character as a blueprint for life, especially those characters immune to human weakness and emotion, you know, the hard shell types. I do admit to finding solace in those types which I don't need to name here. It can be overpowering, but even more so in the very young, but I know I am an emotional weakling when all is said and done.

Joy, I apologize, I know this is rambling, to use an overused word along with venting, another overused word that I haven't heard actually in awhile, and I know I am not writing in my usual style.

Sometimes it seems I won't be able to draw up the word I need to express myself. It has happened in this letter. Yes, the floodgate is down. There will come a time when I won't be able to exprss myself, won't be able to write another poem and what then will those that like me have to hang onto? What will be left or worth knowing?

Our son has brought in that Trojan Horse and let the nieces into our temple here and they are going to ravage and defile everything they can get their hands on. I should be so concentrated on my wife, but I don't even have the patience to sit by her bedside anymore. I am so full of fear and perhaps other things too that I am sure others will inform me about. Maybe I am going off the deep end. Sometimes I wish I could become a stark raving mad lunatic. The problem is I am too sane. That's an illness too.

I hope you continue to write to me and write spontaneously whatever enters your mind. I think that is what I do. If people are going to really accept you for what you really are then they have to first of all accept your spontaneity of what you express. My son has sounded like a movie script for years now, though he has gotten away from that interest as of late and even began considering the medical field, but when his mother passes it looks like he just wants to take off traveling.

You are very blessed to have a son or sons, unsure of how many, sorry, but you are so blessed to have a son that loves you enough to want to make you laugh and cheer you up, it shows how much he feels what you are going through, and your son, sorry, you didn't mention his name, but it shows how empathic and loving he feels towards you and I bet all the birds in your heart burst into song when you dear beloved spouse laughed. That is something very precious and I am glad you were in the moment to capture that.

I think it is good to hear others and what they are going through, cause it takes us out of ourselves for at least a little bit. That is why one I will so miss the internet soon. That is when I will really feel so alone and won't be able to express it to anyone.

My son just ignores me now. He knows I am helpless to stop or change anything he and those niece are planning to do. Maybe I am just paranoid, but sometimes I think it is better for me to leave now under my own will rather than in desperation.

And please, Joy, don't ever feel you have to keep writing to me. Often times our first impressions of people we meet change, especially online. I think how I am writing now to how I was just writing a couple of days ago is a drastic personality shift. I feel so self centered now and it must seem so distasteful.

I do have to get out and take a walk. My body is telling me it needs it but what a restless anxious walk it will be. This is the kind of anxiety you just can't exercise away, or dope away for that matter. I know, there is prayer and praying and in the last couple of days I have been lax there, but sometimes I feel that my whole life is a walking and sleeping prayer, at least that is the way I hope God takes it.

Things are not going so good with my wife now. I am an emotional mess and can't speak to her without getting tangled up in my own fears, insecurities and even anger of what I see coming down the pike. I so fear the coming silence and darkness, but that is where I will also have to find my comfort and perhaps even my redemption.

Thanks for listening Joy. Treasure the moments of happiness that are bestowed on you for they are a gift and blessing from on high. Mountains wouldn't be mountains without the valleys that shape them. I will never reach any peak or even step onto the foot of the mountain, but I can look up and admire and be in awe of their majesty, but in truth, I would much rather be on a mountain peak looking out over the valleys then lost in the valleys looking up at the mountains. Something in me always seeks the highest perspective.

I guess I better move on out or continue to get ready to abandon ship.

From the deck of the titanic

Mike
I just came upon Butley's post today. Whether it is Butley, Mick or Mike, who is posting, there are definitely inconsistencies in his postings from the past and present. On several occasions we have supported him to seek out professional counseling. This posting titled "feelings of desperation" and his postings of suicide in the past are issues that Empowering Caregivers is not equipped to handle professionally, nor are most members of the community.

I hope you all understand that this is not only for the integrity of the safety of the community but for his own well being.

Gail

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