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Hello again. I think its great the way that we can come in and post anytime and as many times as we need and want to. I have started having small anxiety and panic attacks. I have had them before and they have been pretty bad at times. I have felt like I was going to die at times and I would have trouble breathing. I think a lot of it is coming from the stress of taking care of my parents, and a crisis that I have been going through since the day after Christmas. I walked into the kitchen to find it a mess as usual. My dad is just like a little kid now and it frustrates me the way he messes things up. With my mom being bedridden and on oxygyn I keep asking myself, how can 2 people mess up a room just a few days after I spent cleaning it up. I have so many different feelings and emotions going on and just have no one to reach out to, to express them. They continue to get bottled up. Im hoping that as I can come to know everyone that I can build up a trust and open up and let go. Right now, trust is a big issue with me. It always has been, but it is more so now. I had it destroyed and I find that I put up walls or just distance myself because Im afraid of getting hurt. I wish I could have had the kind of parents that I could have gone to and to this day be able to go to and confide in, but I cant. I dont have that kind of relationship with them. I feel like I keep giving and giving and everyone keeps taking and taking and one day Im afraid Im not going to have anything left to give. I do not feel appreciated around here. I do alot for my parents and cant even get a thank you or a I really appreciate all you do. I have never heard either one tell me that they loved me. Even growing up, there was no attention or physical, emotional contact given. My mom would be there in the house, but she wouldnt be there for me. I guess that's why my abuse lasted as long as it did. She was not aware that it was going on right over top of her head. She was always busy doing something other than really paying attention to us and loving us the way she should have. I find it very hard to see my parents in the condition that they are in now. I never would have imagined that they would have gotten as bad as they have. I guess the one thing that scares me is that one day they will no longer be here. It is so real to me seeing how their health has failed over the years. I guess that's why Im here doing what Im doing because one day they wont be here for me to do the things that I do. So at least I know have the chats to come to as well as the message board to post messages. One thing before l close, I really do appreciate all those who have responded to my messages. It makes me feel good to know that I am not alone and that we all have something in common. I pray for God to continue to bless each and everyone of you, to give you comfort in your times of need, to help you through whatever valleys you are going through, to give you strength, wisdom and knowledge. I also pray for Gail as she is doing a wonderful thing by reaching out and getting the chats message boards together. This is her calling and many people are and will be touchhed by what she does. Thank you Gail.
Everyone take care and I will talk to you soon. God Bless,
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Hi Rose,

I think you have begun opening up so much in such a short time. It's true that there is still more in there...all in due time and not a moment sooner.

Having spent a long time in the chat and having a better understanding of what is going on, I will not write about as much of it at this point for I do not want to betray your trust and faith.

One thought does come to mind which I ask many caregivers. You stated that you are taking care of your parents because they will not be around...but as many of us have gone through...there is a part of you still wanting their approval. What would it be like if you weren't caring for them right in this moment? How would you feel? Would you still have the attacks? Would you still be depressed and feeling low? What is it that is holding you to them? Could you manage on your own if you weren't living with them and caring for them? You don't have to answer these questions at the boards... I am just giving you some questions to dwell on for your writings.

I have researched two excellent sites on panic anxiety attacks and disorders that will give you exercises and information on taking charge to help in alleviating them are as follows:

Panic Rose this is a great site with symptoms, exercises, and lots of help to guide you through them.

Anxiety and Panic

As we discussed, we can reach out to receive support, assistance and guidance, but the inner work must be done by ourselves. Perhaps these sites will be the next step.. breathing as we did the other evening in the chat will help you also.. and when the time is right, you may choose to get professional assistance to guide you further..

one baby step at a time... I do hope this information helps you.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you...keep breathing in light, love, and breathing out all those negative, hurtful feelings the best that you can.

Richest blessings
Dearest Rose...
My name is Pat. I care for my husband who is on oxygen 27/7 and has other health issues to deal with. I've been caring for him for 3 years now and working a full time job as well.
I'm not telling you this to blow my own horn but just to let you know that I understand the life of a caregiver. Feeling overworked and under appreciated seems to come with the territory. Although I have not cared for my own parents I did care for my mother in law some years ago after a stroke. Parents especially seem to have a difficult time accepting care from their children because to them it seems to represent the loss of power and control. After all they were always the ones caring for you not the other way around. Many have a difficult time in that reversed role.
I really can relate to what you said about your parents not showing love and affection. I don't know if it was the way they were raised or what but my parents also did not demonstrate the kind of caring that a child feels the need of. So you grow up always seeking their approval and always feeling that you fell short. And after a while you feel that there must be something wrong with you that some how you must not be worth loving and as a result you end up not loving yourself either because you grew up beliving that you weren't worthy.
Please know dear Rose that your parents are the ones that have the problem and NOT you. Not only were they not able to show the love that you needed; but I have the feeling that they missed knowing a really wonderful person.
The first thing I would tell you is that you ARE worth loving. You need to tell yourself that everyday as the first step toward learning to love yourself. You need to love youeself and become your own best friend. Believe me it's worth the trouble to do this. As you learn to love yourself others will begin to do the same. I'm not saying that yur parents will ever change; they probably won't. Mine never did. But learning to become your own best friend and loving yourself and knowing your worth loving gives you a confidence to face the world and expect the love and respect that you deserve. Take it from one who's been there and done that.
So love yourself and pity your parents because they missed REALLY knowing a lovely person.

God bless and keep you....Pat

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