Hello again. I think its great the way that we can come in and post anytime and as many times as we need and want to. I have started having small anxiety and panic attacks. I have had them before and they have been pretty bad at times. I have felt like I was going to die at times and I would have trouble breathing. I think a lot of it is coming from the stress of taking care of my parents, and a crisis that I have been going through since the day after Christmas. I walked into the kitchen to find it a mess as usual. My dad is just like a little kid now and it frustrates me the way he messes things up. With my mom being bedridden and on oxygyn I keep asking myself, how can 2 people mess up a room just a few days after I spent cleaning it up. I have so many different feelings and emotions going on and just have no one to reach out to, to express them. They continue to get bottled up. Im hoping that as I can come to know everyone that I can build up a trust and open up and let go. Right now, trust is a big issue with me. It always has been, but it is more so now. I had it destroyed and I find that I put up walls or just distance myself because Im afraid of getting hurt. I wish I could have had the kind of parents that I could have gone to and to this day be able to go to and confide in, but I cant. I dont have that kind of relationship with them. I feel like I keep giving and giving and everyone keeps taking and taking and one day Im afraid Im not going to have anything left to give. I do not feel appreciated around here. I do alot for my parents and cant even get a thank you or a I really appreciate all you do. I have never heard either one tell me that they loved me. Even growing up, there was no attention or physical, emotional contact given. My mom would be there in the house, but she wouldnt be there for me. I guess that's why my abuse lasted as long as it did. She was not aware that it was going on right over top of her head. She was always busy doing something other than really paying attention to us and loving us the way she should have. I find it very hard to see my parents in the condition that they are in now. I never would have imagined that they would have gotten as bad as they have. I guess the one thing that scares me is that one day they will no longer be here. It is so real to me seeing how their health has failed over the years. I guess that's why Im here doing what Im doing because one day they wont be here for me to do the things that I do. So at least I know have the chats to come to as well as the message board to post messages. One thing before l close, I really do appreciate all those who have responded to my messages. It makes me feel good to know that I am not alone and that we all have something in common. I pray for God to continue to bless each and everyone of you, to give you comfort in your times of need, to help you through whatever valleys you are going through, to give you strength, wisdom and knowledge. I also pray for Gail as she is doing a wonderful thing by reaching out and getting the chats message boards together. This is her calling and many people are and will be touchhed by what she does. Thank you Gail.
Everyone take care and I will talk to you soon. God Bless,