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Hi everyone


I've been having the worst time with my mother's medical aid, and I'm seriously in need of venting.
From this year my mother is forced to use a discount pharmacy which is no where near her (and they don't deliver)  to avoid me having to pay 40% co-payments. Which is enough to bankrupt me, her meds are so expensive and her cancer meds even more so. I still have to pay the premium to the medical aid too - which is also not cheap.


I've got tears in my eyes from the stress and tension of trying to find a way out of this. How can people be forced to use certain pharmacies which don't even deliver? I don't have a car, i have to use taxis to go visit my mother anyway, and that also costs an arm and a leg each month. My mother certainly can't go and get them, she's confined to bed or her wheelchair, all day every day.


This whole thing is just making me mad. Nothing wants to give... I'm responsible for every single bill no matter what it is concerning my mother. My mother's government pension goes straight to the Home, and government hospitals are not even an option due to 'no service' and 'don't give a damn' about anyone policies.


We are forced to have medical aid so that if you do happen to be involved in an accident you have a chance of surviving, because if you get dropped off at our government hospitals you'll bleed to death waiting in the queue in casualty. The saddest thing is I'm not even exagerating - it really is that bad.



So I have to have my mother on medical aid, and now I have to some how find a way to get her medication to her without having to take off work every single time the Home submits a script... I'll lose my job real quick then. 

 

You guessed it, I'm in a seriously narky mood at the moment....

Sq

May the best ye've ever seen, Be the warst ye'll ever see. May the moose ne'er lea' yer aumrie Wi' a tear-drap in his e'e. May ye aye keep hail an' hertie,Till ye're auld eneuch tae dee. May ye aye be jist as happy, As we wiss ye noo tae be.

May the best you've ever seen, Be the worst you'll ever see. May the mouse never leave your pantry With a tear-drop in his eye. May you always keep healthy and hearty Until you're old enough to die. May you always be just as happy As we wish you now to be.)

Original Post

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Me again


After being on the phone for about two hours, back and forth there is finally light at the end of the tunnel.


Found one of the discount pharmacies branches that couriers medicine, that is one huge problem sorted. Then I had to advise half the world of change of pharmacies from this specific date, and only these medications etc etc, and just maybe everyone will listen and do what they are told -then everything should work out.


I will still have some stuff to pay cash for but at least those amounts are achievable and not going to leave me destitute.


Honestly the bills for ma will give me grey hairs....


Sq
Hello Sq...

glad things have improved...your first post was rather traumatic and its good to hear you sounding better.. do they have any caregiver programs in South Africa?  Are there any govt assisted programs or funding that could help you ?

The one thing that stunned me about your first part of the post was to learn that your mother had cancer... all along I thought it was MS.. maybe my mind is befuddled living here in Mexico and a bit out of the loop...

 Have a good sleep tonight..... things will fall into place for you....

xoxo

g
Hi Gail


You're not befuddled... my mother does have MS. About a year into her stay at the frail care they discovered a lump in her breast and immediately sent her for tests. It was confirmed she does have breast cancer. They removed the lump and continued treating her with medication to make sure it doesn't come back. So far she has been on the meds for almost two years and there has been no further scares.


The weird part about my mom getting breast cancer was the complete lack of response from our entire group of friends and family. I spread the news diligently so that ma could get as much support as possible, and the responses i got were near to non-existent. No-one seemed to be bothered, I guess its because ma has been dealing with MS for so long, breast cancer didn't seem that serious. Stunned my mind.


Months later another friend got breast cancer and the shock and worry was deeply felt, when I told her that she should first see how serious it is, it may be like my mother's that it could be a case where the lump could just be removed and then treatment with meds, she was surprised that my mother had it... then remembered that I had told her, and simply said 'oh, I guess we didn't really think about it, is your mom okay?'   Nice one - I suppose when a lot of the time there is no good news to share about ma, people become desensitized and don't really respond anymore with compassion. Very sad.


Anyway, back to the trenches.....


Hugs
Sq
Hello Y'all:

It is sad how little time most people can find for friends and family going through care-giving and/or significant health-related problems. It is a busy world and illness, aging, etc. are subjects that often times seem to make others uncomfortable... Yet it is so important to have support during such difficult times!

That is one of the reasons that a site such as this is so great - many of us have experienced the silence of family and/or friends when their support or suggestions might have made a world of difference. Meanwhile, dear heart, just know we are here for you. 

Hugs, Glenda
Hi Glenda


What you said is so true! I can understand people can feel uncomfortable, they don't know what to say and decide to take the easy way and simply say and do nothing. I felt those feelings of not knowing what to say - but I refuse to let those feelings paralyse me into doing nothing! Even if all I can do is hug them, then that is what I will do. I'm not going to pretend they're not going through hard times and then pretend some more that they must be okay.


Something I've learnt over time is that if you genuinely care about people, somehow you will reach out to them and help, whether its just to listen, cry with them or get in the car and rush over there. Overall I really believe that if you genuinely care you will do something, no matter how small. When you feel 'excused' from the problems and do nothing you never really cared about them in the first place. I know its harsh words but over the years of taking care of ma and watching how people reacted to my situation and every now and again to their own situation changing dramatically, you learn about people and how they perceive you (and themselves)


Small example, a lady I deemed a friend of mine was always very practical when it came to my emotional breakdowns over my mother. She wasn't the emotionally breaking-down type and pretty much told me to 'suck it up' regardless of not really comprehending what I was going through. Several years later she was confronted with having to look after her own mother, and suddenly she was a whole lot more understanding, and simply said 'I had no idea'. Indeed - you don't know what another person is going through - but why must we wait until we going through the same thing to show a smidgen of understanding and compassion?


As human beings with hearts and minds, we have empathy and that should be exercised.


Well that's my 10cents... 20cents....


Sq
Hi Skwirl:

Even though I do consider myself pretty empathetic, I know that my care-giving years really opened my eyes to a lot... It was very painful at times and not many of my friends wanted to hear about it all during that period either. My father was injured in a home invasion which changed everything for him. He recovered quickly from the broken hip that caused only to learn that he was fighting cancer. He was on hospice twice and there was not a lot of family or friend support during those challenging periods. (TG for the great hospice workers out there!) I think it is hard for some to face human frailties so people would rather avoid the conversation. 

Because it is not unusual for a care-giver to feel alone in the job of care-giving, support groups can be a good place to go to get through the rough times... Here is a link where a person can click on the state and it will give the care-giving resources in that area @: http://www.caregiver.com/regionalresources/index.htm Of course, I am not sure where to look to find support groups in your area. However, it is good to know what your area offers and there are certainly more resources available these days. Anyhow, Sqwirl, I felt much the same when I was in the care-giving position. Support is so important and we are here for you... You are an angel to be there for your mother and we all know the sacrifices, stress, and time involved. Hang in there dear heart!

Hugs, Glenda
Last edited by glenderella

Hi sq, I am fairly new to this great forum and just discovered your postings and what stood out for me was the date January 27, 2011...the day my sister died. It's been rough for me physically as the day after she passed on I developed weird ailments, a few one after the other and thank God they were mostly attributed to dehydration and not something chronic. I was so focusing on my sadness for the loss that I was not paying attention to my fluid intake. Something so simple yet can end up being so serious.

 

I understand about your friend (s) who downplayed what your mom and you were going through. I unfortunately just ended a relationship because of the lack of acknowledgement of what had just happened in my life, that wasn't the sole reason as there had been two other times that were very important that she couldn't be bothered. I didn't deserve this and would have never treated her that way. So I understand what you are saying. Of course there are toxic reasons why my friend behaved the way she did...but in my growth as a person I realize that it is not my place to make excuses for anothers behavior. It's sad and it hurts! But life will go on and true friends (I believe) will be right there by your side as much as possible. Thank you for your story.

Hi Onelifetolive

 

I completely understand the losing a friend because of them just not caring about you anymore. Your statement its not our place to make excuses for another's behaviour is brilliant and very true and I will remember it.

I have recently had to say goodbye to two friends that have been behaving enormously strangely toward me and even after months of trying to do "repairs" nothing helped. It was a case of its over, get over it. The last thing one of them said to me was "I have nothing to say to you." Wow - It was not like we were having a fat argument, I asked her if she was okay - because a mutual friend noticed how 'weird and fake' she was behaving and came and asked me to find out what is wrong because she reckoned she would definently confide in me since we were "such close friends". Well unfortunately not anymore. After months of rejections and outright lies I decided to let it just be. I think I'm still going through the grieving process but since they wish to be out of my life its going a whole lot easier. Our mutual friends though took that steps ages ago and are also "just leaving them alone".I wonder sometimes how people can just change like that you don't even notice until its right in front of your face....

 

Looking forward to reading more of your posts!

Hugs

Skwirl

Hi Skwirl, People do change, we all change...the problem with my ex friend and I is that I grew and she hasn't. She is in a unhappy marriage and both drink. We haven't seen each other in years as we live on different coasts, but until about two or maybe more years ago we talked frequently and that stopped on her end. I know the reasons only she is in denial and defenseive, all characteristics of an alcoholic sad to say. We have to keep the postive people in our lives and weed out the negatives in order to maintain any sense of normalcy in our own lives and if it means giving up a long time friend, then it has to be. I feel better without the

 

 stress and dance that I have been experiencing with her the last couple years. Some things are just not worth it. In this case it was a hard but necessary decision for me to make. I am glad you are feeling a sense of relief because when caring for someone,and in your case someone very close to you...you will need all of your emotional and physical strength to perform your caregiving. Thank you for your understanding post. It makes me feel like someone out there understands and knows first hand what I have been feeling. it's nice to know we are not alone and deserve the respect given to others.

hello,

 

I have to agree with you on the people changing bit, and I think it was me.... for many years taking care of ma since leaving school and being naturally a shy person, I became a bit of doormat - and sad to say they liked me that way. Perhaps you've experienced something similar?

Look, when something is important I will stand up for myself and my loved ones, but overall if its not critical I'll let you have your way. Being yielding can be a good thing, but when people take advantage of it or just expect it, then it becomes a liability.

When I met my husband to be he didn't like the fact I behaved like my wants were 20th on the list while everyone else's was No.1. He made me see what I had become. People were using me and I was making excuses for them and for me. Once the eyes are open you don't get them shut and suddenly I could see their actions and outright demands in a different light. Still I tried to rescue the friendship but now on a different footing, a more equal footing - and they didn't like the change. I'm saying no to things and finally putting up those boundries.... I guess they too were a bit stumped to my changes, but then I think they should have been the ones telling me to stop being a doormat if they were true friends.

 

The stress and dance! What an accurate way to describe it! When relantionships are going south it does feel that way. You try so hard to reach out and you practically get slapped back. Then its 'the everything is fine story' but 'no I don't have time to meet for coffee'. Uh huh.

 

Overall ridding ourselves of the negative friends makes room for the new positive friends and the new better experiences to push out the bad memories.

 

I hope you have a great day. I'll check out your forum when I get home today. 'Socialling' sites are blocked on the work servers (I managed to squeeze this one through somehow ) so I can't access it here.

 

Hugs

Skwirl

Hi SK..., I can see that you have your priorities straight and sometimes we have to go through stuff to get to a better place. I admire your growth and that you refuse to remain in a unhealthy place...for you. I was the doormat for exes and was so codependent that if I could have I would have breathed for an ex husband. I was that bad. My last ex bf (who I cared for greatly) said to me during our breakup that "you think more about me than yourself". THAT was a wake up call for me, a milestone. I thought, "wow, he is telling me something that I couldn't deny". He even

 

 saw it when I couldn't! He is my ex, but I still care about him even though our paths no longer cross. He was trying to help me see what I was doing to myself by not having enough self esteem and putting people (even people that were consciously hurting me) before myself. What the heck was that!? I now know and love the knowledge I have picked up about how to treat yourself and wish I had had those tools long ago. But it is never too late. It would be nice to have you at the forum. And hugs to you too. I hope Glenda and GRM will stop by sometime too.

Hi

 

Self-esteem... I could write volumes  - on how not to have any!

 

It's a process for definite. You don't just wake up and decide I will be confident from now on out. I've made strides sure... but the work isn't over. Something can happen and I feel like I'm spiralling into a cess pit of self-hatred.

Small eg. one dinner I made did not go off well, I mixed two ingredients in a stirfry that hubby really didn't like together. He was kind about it, just asking if I could please not make it again. To him it tasted awful, to me I didn't even notice...

I was devastated - cried for days about it. Now it sounds completely ridiculous now but I thought my world was crashing down because hubby didn't like what I made! Just made me realise that you make progress but the core of the problem still lives with you and you have to keep on chipping away at the old stone. You don't just 'get better' when it comes to the wily self-esteem. (Hubby did talk some sense into me and assured me one meal isn't going to end the world, he usually likes everything I make, it was just this one time) For contrast I think he's palate is spoiled and I ate that dinner for lunch the next day... which may just be the simmerings of ... confidence. Who knows....

 

Have a great day... I tried last night to get into your forum and my pc was acting up... something about the harddrive 'clicking' which hubby has now fixed and just maybe it will co-operate with me tonight.. disobedient technology.

Sk

Hi Sk, sorry your comp. wasn't cooperating, they can be annoying and fun at the same time. It is amazing when we can look back on certain things, episodes in our lives and see how much growth was needed. And I beleive you're right... we don't just wake up one day and have the confidence that was missing. I suppose our growth is like a flower that needs love and nurturing and if we water it too much well then we know next time not to. I hope your day is going well.

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