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Reposted for Sinismom

I do not find caregiving to be a rewarding experience. I find myself angry, and aggitated because my mom is so unappreciative. I finally had to move her in with me and she is now in my livingroom which has been converted into a bedroom. The house has a urin smell. I am constantly washing but cannot get the smell out of the room. Mom likes to keep her room like a cave.
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Reposted for Karen

I have found caregiving for my mom to be rewarding. It's brought us closer together and as her journey ends we have learned from each other. Unfortunately my brother doesn't or can't help much, don't think he can accept how ill Mom is but he does come and do household chores but he can't stay with her at all. It's been hard since I'm disabled but have found it's helped both of us grow cloer together and come together in the Lord.
Thanks Gail for asking.
Peace, love and light
Karen
Reposted for JulieS

I find it very rewarding.My brother-in-law has downs. I provide constant care including feeding and changing diapers.Its a lot of work but when he smiles and gives me hugs I can't imagine not doing what I'm doing.For years I said I would not do it but was forced into for a short time.That was over two years ago. I quit my job just recently because I couldn't handle both anymore.It was easy to decide which one I would continue

PS My brother in law now is sleeping in what use to be my dining room and I also have to deal with urine smells. What works great for me is to use carpet product that are made to get rid of pet odersand lots of Lysol sprayHope this helps some
On good days, yes. But truthfully, on most days, it is disheartening. Sad. My husband questions why he is even still alive, what use is his life, what can he do now and how will he ever be happy when he has lost all those things he used to love to do... and I don't have any answers that he finds satisfying. It scares me. I think about what is to come and wonder if I can handle any more. I know that this is going to end badly. I know that I am not getting any of my own needs met and wonder if I am making poor decisions for myself. I think about divorce but am too darn loyal to kick a dog when he's already so far down.
Welcome Remi,

I think you are ono the right track... truthfully if you being taking some time for yourself, quality time, no matter how little it is, you can use it as an opportunity to regroup yourself.

Writing out all the mixed feelings you go through gives you an opportunity to get them out of your system so that you may remain compassionate and loving with your husband. Perhaps as you begin to shift your perceptions, your husband might respond differently in kind. You never know. However, it is so important to make sure you get your needs met. No one can do it for you.

We are here to support you...through the boards as well as the chats...please visit with us.

Richest blessings,
Gail
Sometimes. I am getting a lot closer to Mom, who has been in several serious accidents, has weight related conditions and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. At first, I thought "Great, back surgery went good. We'll lovingly care for her and do whatever necessary and soon she'll be back to work!" That was at least a year ago. She's had several other surgeries now. Lots more go wrong. My husband and I are living with her and plan on having her move in with us when we build our home - she couldn't survive on her own financialy or otherwise and it's not looking good for her to return to work.

I guess the most irritating part is that she was used to tight timetables and having people work for her and seems to incorporate that into everything else. Climbing the ridiculous and family separating corporate ladder. She says, "It'll only take a few minutes." Well, at the end of a 10 hour day at work and with dinner to see to, things of my own to do or other things to clean up after I often feel like telling her off. She seems to think that just because I am young and capable of doing the task that I have limitless energy to do so. I try to calmly explain the matter and sometimes she seems to understand, but she only remembers to be compassionate for so long.

She's bored silly and now obsesses over the grocery shopping/coupons, etc. She thinks it's terrible that I don't want to save money and I try to explain that I haven't the time or energy to chase down all of her specials. She asks me daily about what I want from the store, etc. It drives me insane and I try to lay down groundrules (I'll only give up 3 hours on one weekend day for her shopping, no talking about it during the week) but then she sulks.

One step down from that, I think she enjoys being served and I can't discern when she's in a horrible amount of pain and can't honestly do something, or when she's relatively comfortable (considering circumstances) and should be trying to make more effort. I have no doubt that she is miserable, with as much as she's been through, but she must do her exercises and try to keep active. I've told her that I won't cook and serve all her meals, unless it is something that would take time to make. She must get up and get and do simple things for herself. She was making quick progress to get out of the nursing home she hated so much (it was sad to see her there) and now is doing as little as possible if I enable her to.

My marriage is suffering and I try to keep my husband out of the mess. She drives him nuts, too. We do take time to ourselves and do have a couple of weekend getaways planned, but we do still argue a lot. I sometimes feel like the whipping post for both sides.

In all, I try to just take it one day at a time. I try to spend time watching TV or talking with her and we do have some laughs. She's a likable person for the most part, but also very demanding. Her sharp mind thinks up too many things to spring on me the moment I walk in the door. I know she's helpless to bend over and get things, do most of the cleaning, etc. and I try to have patience. Thanks for the web site - I've needed someone to vent to for quite a while! I know I have a lot to learn, too.
Hello Dedra

Welcome.... I can relate to much of what you are saying aobut your mom in terms of her not being able to do something and not wanting to do it; having you do it for her. I go through this with my mom frequently. On one hand she tells me she is doing well and wants to heal and remain independent. On the other, she will ask me to go shopping for pillow cases and things, she can really do but doesn't have enough pride and caring for herself to do. It is a difficult situation to balance out, especially for you when there is added stress in the relationship with your husband.

My suggestion is that you work on balancing yourself, gathering strength, the courage and opening your heart, so that you might truly be able to sit down with her and express what you are going through from a loving space. If you can show her with gentleness the old patterns that crop up which may even unnerve you at times, she might be able to respond differently. Also seeking out the support from a minister or doctor, or someone from outside the family somestimes makes it easier for them to comprehend.

You mentioned that your mother may be bored. Perhaps you can research a senior center or adult day care center where she can go and have lunch with other's her own age. They provide many wonderful activities and depending on where you live, they may even pick up up and provide transportation both ways to make it easier on you.

Ask her point blank what she really wants. Is she happy? What's going on inside her own head? See if you can get to the issues and patterns that she may have been conditioned into accepting from her own mother and or father. Just remember you always have choices and it is important to be open so that you can make wise decisions for yourself as well as your mom.

Keep us posted...hope to see you in some chats.

Richest blessings
Gail
Gail,
Thank you so much for your advice and creating a place for caregivers. This means a lot to me.

You said there's senior centers and such. Do they have activities for younger people? My mom is 53 and was in a nursing home for rehabilitation from her back surgery. It's not that she doesn't have a wealth of friends and family, it's just that she honestly gets so worn out from just going out for a few hours. She doesn't walk very well. Her hobbies are watching movies and reading, so she does plenty of that. In fact, she's taken over mine and my grandmother's library cards (in addition to hers)so she can get on-line at the library and check out books and movies. I just hope I can find other hobbies she could get into while sitting. I'm researching that. However, even when she was well she didn't have other interests. The other problem is that sitting up for a couple of hours is even painful.

I guess I'm lucky in that I can now leave for a period of time if needed. She can get around well enough to feed herself and shower. She just can't bend due to fusion of vertebrea in her back, so can't do most housework. But still, there are many caregivers who have loved ones that are bedridden with no hope of getting better. On the flop side of that - I'm afraid to leave or go too far - last spring if I hadn't been there to call 911 I don't think I would still have Mom with me. The family tries to help, but most of my mom's other sibblings have their own serious health problems or something else to see to. (I like to say that we're at the "shallow stagnant end" of the gene pool!) I can at least put them "on call" so that I can leave for a bit, if she has a problem she can call them.

I dunno, there's still nothing like being healthy and independent. There's no easy way about it.
Ah Dedra...you mom is so young...I guess that rules out the senior centers...check into adult day care and see what is available...call churches, etc. and organizations to see if they have volunteers that will come out and help.

If you are afraid she might fall when you are out get one of those personal alarm systems that she can wear around her neck. She just presses the button if something happens and 911 will come immediately...that can free you up a bit...

I am glad you made it to the chat this evening...was a delight seeing you...and I am hoping you and your hubby have a wonderful respite this weekend full of romance

Love 2 u
gail

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