Since ma went into the home it's been a serious roller coaster ride of emotions. The 'lost'feeling has finally left now, and the more positive 'what I can do next' feeling has arrived in full force.
The good news is that ma is actually enjoying the home much better, for the simple reason that she has a team of nurses to call all the time! She was in frailcare from Oct-Dec, and this month they moved her to mid-care, and then two weeks ago moved her again to semi-unassisted living. The reason she complained about the move is because she can't call the nurses for every little thing anymore! The social worker explained to me that she is actually quite capable and they encourage their patients to maintain as much independence as possible - or else they get spoiled.
She still sms's everyday, sometimes 4-5 times a day just to find out what I'm doing etc. To be absolutely honest I really wish she wouldn't. There is a part of me that just desperately wants her to leave me alone. When I come to her that's when I'm prepared and willing to give to her. I don't want to be nagged into coming. Remnants of anger and resentment I suppose.
For once the year ahead feels filled with possibilities. It really is a fantastic feeling. Sure, I still get lonely sometimes at home by myself, but it's way better than being alone with enormous amounts of stress.
I send everyone lots of strength and encouragement and hope for the new year.