My mom is still in the hospital because her cancer has returned. They did a CT scan and it isn't in her head, so the mental problems are "just" the Alzheimers I guess. She doesn't understand any of this. She won't do anything, she hardly eats and I can't help her. The pain, I think, is under control, somewhat, but who can tell; I'm not sure she even knows or is able to verbalize whether she is in pain or how much. The medical people throw something new at me every day. They think she should go to a skilled nursing place after release early next week. I hoped to bring her home, but came around to thinking that it might be best, at least until we see how she does. Now, the physical therapist put in his report that she "is ok to go home with daughter with services," whatever that means, so now it is in question whether the skilled nursing will take her. I think a normal person, who could understand the concept of cancer, would either decide to fight it or decide not to and try to just be comfortable, either decision I could support. My mother, because of her mental inabilities, can't do either. She just isn't capable of fighting it, but not capable of trying to relax either. I don't think she can improve and if she goes to skilled care, I am afraid the next step will be a nursing home. But now I am wondering if it would be best, because our home is really not safe or healthy for her. We moved her upstairs to my daughter's room, and she is taking hormone therapy, but I am not optimistic. I have a full-time job and she would be alone for three or four hours at a time. I don't think she is even capable of taking her medicine; afraid she would just lay there in misery until I got home. There are incontinence issues now too, not sure whether it is physical or mental. This week, I have been working half days and going to the hospital for the afternoon to sit with her. At first I was going back after dinner too, but have stopped that. Not sure if it is understandable, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Not sure what is expected of me, but I have limitations. We have one friend who sort of "gets it" and I have confided in her, but I think it is time to give her a rest. The other day, Mom said she'd like to throw herself out the window (it is thick glass so she couldn't). I didn't even answer, because the only thing I could think of to say is "I know how you feel." My husband has been my rock, but we learned last night that his mother's lung cancer has returned. I have never been close with my mother-in-law, but I still feel terrible about it, and selfishly I am thinking that my husband will probably not be able to be as much help to me now. My place of employment has been very good about this and kind, but not sure how much longer I can continue taking off every afternoon, as the reality is they wouldn't employ me if they didn't need me there and I also feel bad that my great co-workers are having to cover my job. Not sure how much longer this will be understood, especially when the major thing is mental and I'm really just being there for moral support, not actually providing any care. I am really not even sure where I stand legally on that part, as far as FMLA goes, which I am technically on, intermittently. Every night I try to justify to myself that I am doing enough, and each morning I wake up feeling I could do more for her. Beginning to wish I was the one dying.
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