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Today's a doozy of a day ~  Mom's a "tad" manic lately.  She's pressed the emergency call button on the home monitoring system three times today.  The first one sounds legit - seeing that the home health aide hooked up her hoyer lift sling BACKWARDS and toppled my mother out of the lift.  Thank God my father was home to assist and that Mom only fell back to the bed (in a very precarious position that left the lift LOCKED).  What a nightmare?


This triggered Mom's mania moreso and led her to press the call button two additional times because she says my father "threatened" her.  My father reports that she was upset that he would not get her cooking supplies and was being beligerent.


This is all funny when I'm not the one living in the house currently.  What happens when I bring my mother to live with me?  How will I manage situations such as this?  Will issues like this take place?  Undoubtedly.


How did I learn about the EMERGENCY call button being depressed, you ask?  Oh, that was because the home monitoring agency called me to let me know that my mother was ok, but had pressed the button and indicated that she fell out of her chair. . .


Last week, I was informed that my father does NOT qualify for additional prior authorization hours because he is "as fit as a fiddle" according to his primary care doctor (who has not seen him in years, btw).  He was required to have a physical in order to provide documentation to the State indicating that he is not capable of taking care of my mother's needs.  Let me mention that DAD is the sole reason my mother was put in a nursing home for three months.  She was placed on a RESPITE stay because he was mentally and physically incapacitated.  The family physician has no knowledge of this.  I called the physician and left a message about the background information, but he was not interested in hearing what I have to say.  He said that he would not provide a letter indicated that Dad is not capable of taking care of my mother.  Did I mention he was homicidal and suicidal when Mom was admitted to the nursing home last year?


Ugh, I am so frustrated.  What do I do now?  I am going to have to move my mother in with me (and away from her husband) because she only qualifies for 60 hours of "skilled" home health care assistance each month.  That's two hours of reprieve a day.


Did I mention that when I went to the house today, my mother's pants were COMPLETELY soaked through?  Did I mention that the home health "idiot" who botched up the hoyer lift today arrived angry?  She was upset because my mother had called and tattled on her for being late to the house last week. . . Does that justify tossing a woman out of the hoyer lift and risking her safety?  I think not!  I feel HORRIBLE about leaving my mother in a manic episode with soaked pants because the depends were put on IMPROPERLY so that I could get to class on time.  I should have changed her before I left.  But, I knew that was going to be an impossible battle to fight with her.


So, instead I am riddled with guilt over leaving my distressed father to oversee my mother in a manic episode make banana bread with DRENCHED pants. 


I suck as a human being today.





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One more thing - my boyfriend dropped a bomb on me last night saying that he wants me to go shopping for rings with him. . . He also indicated as much to my mother when they spoke last. 

Oh shiat.  I can barely keep my head attached in the midst of this family drama.  Marriage doesn't even cross my mind as appealing.  I don't want to ROPE ANYONE into this QUAGMIRE.


Do I talk with him frankly about this?  Do I let him know that I have absolutely no interest in getting married (now or ever)? 




Dolly!  Please know that in no way do you suck as a human being.  You ARE a human being, and allowed all the baggage that goes with it.

Seriously, though.  You have a life - things to do and places to be.  You had to make a quick decision, which was probably the correct one.  That said, I totally understand the guilt thing.

As to the boyfriend situation, I think it's wonderful that you have someone in your life who wants you in his.  Before you put him off, think about just you and him without the worry of your parents in the picture at all.   When it is just the two of you, how do you feel about him?  Could he be "the One?"  If the answer is "yes" then tell him you want a long engagement (at least a year) so he fully understands what he's getting into.


Sending positive energy and cyberhugs your way,


Hi Dolly:


I am sorry to hear you are going through such challenging times. I am not sure what your options are but I would consider taking some action against that incompetent person... There is no excuse for that and how traumatic for your dear mother!


Barb brings up some good point about BF. However, I don't think you should feel pressured. If you are anything like me, my caregiving years were absolutely the worst time to make good decisions. It is just so hard to think straight. Perhaps that is all you need to say to him. If he respects that, then he will be there for you when the timing is right!


Just one word on the wet pants. While I know it can be a battle (been there), it is really important to get those wet items off. I am not saying this to stress you out or feel guilty but because of the situations that can arise from the wetness against the skin. Heaven knows that during my last days of caregiving, it was a problem since my Dad couldn't get out of bed. I don't know, but I am just concerned about the breaking down of the skin due to wetness - it can make things worse from my experience. I am just sharing here...


Dolly, take that deep breath and take some time to journal if you can. It does help to get your feelings out and evaluate it all. Meanwhile, just know we are here for you. Remember your dreams and goals throughout all of this if you can.


Hug, Glenda



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