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After a long, hard, fight, Mom passed away yesterday in the very wee hours of the morning. I had to have hospice transport her to the hospital for symptom management on Monday because she had stroked twice in as many days and I could not take care of her. She had been physically fighting me and thrashing and turning all over the bed, and I was spent.

I went to see her briefly on Tuesday morning and she was semi-comatose, but I knew she knew I was there. I held her hand and told her how much I loved her, and that when she went to Heaven, she would be beutiful again. I went back later that afternoon after the nurse called and said Mom's oxygen saturation had dropped. I stayed with her for about 3 hours until my DH called and insisted I come home. I got the call at around 2am yesterday morning. She had passed peacefully and had not been alone.

It is so strangely quiet here now. Her hospital bed and equipment are gone.

I was told that Mom left me with a very special gift though. Her eternal love and the opportunity to have been a caregiver. I know I fought it ... I hated it. At times I think I even hated her for forcing me to be her caregiver. But, that all disappeared a long time ago when I realized I was all she really had. No one, not one single person other than myself, my husband, and my children reached out to help her. She gave me the ability to reach beyond what I thought I was capable of. Such a wonderful gift.

And, she passed so we would not have to endure watching her struggle anymore, and to spare us the hardship of trying to care for her in ways we were not physically capable of. Her passing was a blessing.

My love and admiration to all caregivers.

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{{{{{Dee}}}}}} my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family... I pray your mother's transition continues to be peaceful... and that your healing is gentle and nurturing...

You have expressed yourself beautifully... it is an incredible blessing to be able to reflect and see the gift...

Please keep us posted... take care

Gail & Glenda,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Right now my brain is abit numb I guess. I woke up wide awake yesterday and 1:30am, stitched for a few hours, then started cleaning in Mom's room. Some people will probably think I'm being cold because it's so soon after she passed. However, what those people don't realize is that her room hadn't really been cleaned for 5 years. She wouldn't really let us. In the beginning of her hospice care, the social worker and nurse both commented on how badly her chair needed to be cleaned. They caught on soon enough that I couldn't force Mom to budge if she didn't want to! She was extremely strong willed.

So, the chair went as did most of the furniture in her room. The chair went to trash and the rest went to my youngest daughter's friend who needed it. I still have alot to do but it probably won't get done today.

The social worker and chaplain came to see me yesterday. They both were so supportive. We couldn't have made it through all this without them.

My son and daughter came over last night and we grilled steak, but it didn't set well. I guess I was just over-tired. All yesterday afternoon, my DH kept after me to stop. I just couldn't. Now I feel like I can barely function. I suppose this is normal. Feelings come and go in waves.

Mom had been with us for over 21 years. One day she was here ... the next she was gone. I'm so sorry I couldn't honor one of her wishes ... to let her die at home. I hope she understands. I hope she understands that I can't make her room into a shrine. Am I making any sense?

I'm rambling ... sorry. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to function better. The SW said it'll take time and some days will be better than others. Today is not a good day. The feelings right now are too raw.

Hello Dee,

It is always written that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.. You truly sound as if you understand the process as well... cleaning as you did was a necessity to reclaim your energy in your home. Your mother's shrine is in your heart and I know there will be a special place that holds memories for you that you will create that brings a smile to your face.

My father wanted to die at home and we were preparing him for the hospice ambulatte to take him but he just couldn't hold on long enough. I truly believe their souls knew of our intentions... souls are so forgiving... it is we who beat ourselves up.. you were a wonderful daughter, a caregiver and advocate for your mom.

Each day you will continue to heal... my prayers are with you...

Dear Dee.........I am so sorry to hear this, but as you said your Mom is now in peace.

Take time for yourself now. Don't do too much, take it easy, relax (as much as you can) and be kind to yourself......

The next few monthes are going to be very tough, so walk through it, don't try to run....

Keep DH and family close, but give yourself some space...


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