Hello Sundra Ann:
I was listening to Dr. Phil the other day and he said something that really resonated with me so I will share it with you – he said: “Be the star of your own show!” Isn’t that a novel thought – put you first for a change… Maybe it is time to see what the options are for your mother’s care.
Regarding relationships, as you know I cared for my father for half-dozen years and never made it through that period with the boyfriend I had at the beginning. However, I don’t think we would have made it under any circumstances so, if a relationship is weak – it will not survive caregiving - that much I do know… I do hope and pray that you and your DH will find the strength to get through this time together. I know that when you go through hospice – especially as much as you have with your mother; it changes how you feel about things. It can put you in a state of worry and fear that is hard to overcome. It seems to insinuate itself into every part of your life… It may be upsetting your relationship too.
I do believe that we go through these difficult times for a reason and that, around the corner, there are blessings that come from caring for a loved one. It is just a very difficult time when you are smack-dab in it… I know that by the time I got re-situated after my father’s death, I began to address my negative tendencies and mindset. I have looked at many resources as have many others who have been caught up in the caregiving situation. Many take up meditation or yoga which I believe is very helpful, but challenging for some of us – lol! So, I started with a simple “I love myself” to start to heal. That has expanded to forgiveness (of myself first) and thankfulness. I am so sorry that I didn’t apply that simple statement to my life during the caregiving years – I think I would have been a better caregiver, girlfriend, and person.
So, especially when is not easy to think clearly, it is important to keep seeking the positive things about yourself and not beat yourself up. Worry and fear can be very bad for you so try to recognize your “scared” voice and quiet it. Reaffirm the positive things about yourself and drown out the negative every chance you get. Be vigilant and always kind and gentle to yourself.
I just got my computer back today from the repair shop. I have been going to You-Tube a lot and, as I have mentioned in the past, that is the place I go to find my therapy (and I need a lot). It does take me on some interesting journeys… Meanwhile, do take time to just breathe and relax at the very least. Write down those good qualities that you have which make you special. You are kind, thoughtful, good-hearted, caring and loving for a start… That’s what I see!