Hi Onelife and Glenda
Onelife - unfortunately there isn't anything like 'payee' system here. I've been thinking about having a debit order put through my account instead of actually physically paying them myself, but that only make a small change. If I really have to think about it, the whole being responsible for mother's debts forever and forever don't make me feel warm and fuzzy, the other fact that any family are completely not interested in helping me doesn't do any good either. I suppose the complete uncertainity of how much of my salary will be 'taken from me' for the next 20 years or something does make me anxious. I sometimes think of all the things I haven't done with my life and it mainly because I didn't have money for it. I get a pretty good salary, its not peanuts - but with the financial burden of my mother's expenses I can't make a way to work half-day, I don't have enough savings put away, I also can't go on a proper holiday. My last holiday was 1.5 days in Cape Town, and that was rather expensive...all these things I can't do seem to pile up and I get hugely resentful towards my mother. There is also the very real aspect of me, that I get a form of security from money in the bank. Growing up poor and not having enough of many things, having my last R500 in the bank makes me very anxious, I get testy with hubby because of course his bank account is already empty. He can live hand to mouth and it doesn't get to him, me - it gets to me big time. Having savings make me feel better. It's something that I understand I do, but in some instances its a bad thing. I can't be so dependant on money to feel secure, but that is simply the truth of the matter.
Thank you Glenda... it mean so much to know I'm not alone. I often feel like running away when I visit ma. I usually only last 30 min at best, 10 min at worst. Just having to hear a single sentence of my mother's complaining makes me tense up. Breathing... so taken for granted, and so incredibly important. I'm concentrating quite a bit on even breathing. Not over-breathing, just even regular breathes, it really does help.
Thank you both for being there for me, it means more to me than I can properly express