I've been thinking a lot about boundries... I've had none for most of my life, so its a relatively new thing for me. Reading this thread again helped a lot to get some thoughts straight in my head.
My mom is constantly trying to send me on guilt trips. To have all my attention on her. To rush to her side etc etc. Hubby said something to me yesterday which really got me started on this boundry thing. "she wants to be the centre of attention, you're giving her all your attention as she is always on your mind, you stop everything when sends you messages"
It was the absolute truth. She was controlling me and I was letting her, because I was so full of guilt I reckon its my lot in life.
After the years of taking care of her at home, I was pretty much broken. Over comitted, over spent, over.. everything. Now that i'm trying to have a life of my own I feel guilty. Her living in a frailcare facility isn't a concentration camp, but she carries on as if it is, and somehow I got caught up in the feelings that somehow I must make her life better, at the expense of my own.
Well, the tide has turned and I've put the boundries in place. if I feel guilty about it, GOOD - that means I'm doing it right. I'm taking care of myself for a change.
1) I refuse to go on guilt trips.
2) I refuse to break myself physically/emotionally/financially just to keep her happy.
- she constantly wants to go out for trips. if there isn't at least two other people to help me move her than its not happening. If the nurses at the Home can refuse to help because 'they get hurt, she's too heavy'. Then I too can decline.
- I'm not her punching bag, I will not buy into her miseries
- I will not jeopardise my family and our future because of her constant expenses. I will not be bullied by doctors, pharmacies or nurses to PAY, PAY PAY. I have said No on two occasions now and I wasn't struck by lightening or anything. I do have a say, I'm not just the money tap.
So, boundries can be set, and they can be enforced.
here's to taking care of the caregiver.