I had to respond to your post - I don't have the energy for much these days as I "allow" myself to sink deeper into depression - but I felt that I needed to put in my 2 cents.
I hear absolutely EVERYTHING that you are saying. I have always "believed" - but not with the passion that some believe. I would never pray and ask God for too much - cause I never wanted to be "selfish" - My only prayer was health for me - my daughter - Father and Mother. When my Father was given the terminal diagnosis - for some reason I "accepted" that - and NEVER once prayed for him to get better - only for him not to suffer and for him to last longer than the week they gave him - and all that pretty much came true.
I always believed it was "how you lived your life" and not how often you went to church or prayed to God. But my Father's passing - has bought me closer to God than I have ever thought possible. I have NEVER been so depressed - distraught or hopeless in my entire life - than I am today - but I think what is giving me the ability to survive each day is the fact that I KNOW there is something more and better out there.
I am reading several books right now - the one is A Purpose Driven Life - it is very interesting - and pretty much says - that it is really not about YOU - or YOUR FAMILY - odd isn't it - cause that is the way most people think - myself well included in that. I certainly KNOW what all my flaws are - and can I change them - hmmmmm well I am not sure I want to change them all. I still like to be materalistic and buy a COACH handbag LOL!!!! Can I stop from feeling angry - hmmmmm haven't been able to do that either.
I take a slight comfort in the fact that my Father is at peace - that he is happy - and he is reunited with the loved ones that went before him. For the 1st time in my life I feel that someone is up there (besides God) watching over me - and although there are days I can barely do a load of laundry - I know some how I will get thru this (I hope) -
I find that in today's soceity - it is such a me me me generation. People do NOT care about people the way they used to - they are more into job titles - fancy cars - fancy electronics - big houses - exotic vacations. But there are some VERY caring people out there - I think this group is just a BIG example of it. I believe God does have a plan for all of us - heck if I know what it is - cause in my opinion my plan sucks LOL!!! But I have the power to change all that if I so want.
In my book it says how sometimes you feel that God has abandoned you - but he hasn't. I suggest if I may that you read this book - it is uplifting and makes you think of things in a different manner. The one question I keep coming back to (a question that NEVER entered my mind before) - if heaven is so wonderful and enternal - why do we even need to be in this human existance anyway?????? Why can't we just always be at peace etc - and happy. Still don't have the answer to that - but I will one day.
Jane - when my Father died (I was sleeping) - the CD player went off - woke up my daughter's friends playing Somewhere over the Rainbow - by the time I was awoken - it was already on song #3 - the CD player had been off for hours since about 10:00 ish and went on just before 4:00 am. I woke up at 4:03 am - quickly shut it off and realized he had died. The next night we were up - nothing happened - the night after that we were up again - and at 4:03 am - song #3 was blasting thru the house - we did not hear song 1 or 2 - just song 3. Again freaked out - just shut off the CD player - the following day - I thought why does this keep happening - maybe I should listen to the song - it must be a message. The cd had all kinds of songs - show tunes etc - song #3 was I Believe - a song I NEVER heard before - but I KNOW it was a MESSAGE from God & my Father. Believe me - I am not a "freak" like this by nature. I am a very fact based - visual person and have a very hard concept in blind trust and belief. I KNOW this happened - so I could grasp the whole concept of things - and have a FACT based BELIEF. The words of the song that went off for me to hear 2 times (once at this death - once 48 hours later at 4:03 am are as follows)
I believe for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows
I believe that somewhere in the darkest night a candle glows
I believe for everyone that goes astray-
someone will come to show the way
I believe. I believe.
I believe above the storm the smallest prayer will still be heard
I believe that someone in the great somewhere hears every word
Everytime I hear a newborn baby cry or touch a leaf or see the sky
Then I know why I believe
There were 25 other songs I could have heard on this CD - actually - there is NO reason that CD should have went on - I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that was a message - we played this song at his funeral and I had it put on his grave marker.
This is just my STRONG belief - but 46 days ago - I WOULD HAVE NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS - THOUGHT THIS ..........