My heart is with you angel... it is a gentle process to experience and move through the various waves of grief. I have said it so many times here at the boards.. there is no right or wrong way to grieve.. there is only the moment.. it takes a toll at times.. I had memory lapses.. and in handling the organiztion and all of its needs took much of my energies.
We don[t always realize how the daily stresses, the emergencies, the quick decisions build within us.. and sometimes we need to just rest and give ourselves permission to be without an expectation.
I don't remember if your mom was in hospice but if she was, they provide grief support for a year .. if she wasn't you can still check both on and offline for a group to get involved in. It is needed as much as the caregiver support you reached out for and are still receiving. You will always be supported here...
For me, I made 5 new choices to live my own life more fully.. they were:
1. regain my own health
2. take up pottery which I absolutely love and am getting good at
3. volunteer at a museum
4. go to the theater more often
5. put myself in places where I could meet new and interesting people.
Perhaps instead of looking for work right at this particular time, explore and find a new hobby that might interest you and take you into a new avenue of work.. perhaps volunteer and an organization that moves you in your heart for this can lead to opportunity.
You said it.. you don't know yourself anymore.. things of the material world that you may have given more power to or strived for may no longer excite you. Some things take on new meanings.. this is a time to be gentle with yourself, to explore, not push, to let yourself be guided to new experiences.
If there is anything that we learn many a time as caregivers from the dying, is to find ways to live our own lives more fuller, more richer, more deeper and not in materialistic ways.. its' an opportunity to move deeper within and listen to your soul's needs and desires.. your very heart's desires as they are the barometer for where you will continue on your journey.
Thee are some special books listed here in the suggested reading section of the site that might interest you:
There are also some wonderful articles here at the site.. you can go to the caregiving articles link and search under death and dying. This link may move you to it.
. If you live in the city try to get out to nature whether it is the beach, the mountains, greenery.. a park.. just walk and reflect. Talk out loud to your mom... ask her for guidance and direction... journal daily get all the mixed emotions out as it is cleansing and continue to write more.. information will come through your writings in the forms of awareness and guidance.
Most of all be gentle, nurturing and kind to yourself, to your body, mind and spirit.. light candles, take aromatherapy baths and treat yourself with love as you did your mom.. this time is for you... it is a time to heal..
journey in peace.