I haven't been to this site very often in the past year. My MIL passed away 2/9/05, but I still pop in once and a while. Guess this is still a part of "our" past that I haven't put away.
My heart goes out to you in your sadness. I know the emptyness you're feeling and, unfortunately, for me, I too still have bad days. All those "firsts" you go through without her are so difficult and the pain is unreal. I still cry, but happily joy is now replacing the pain. I'm remembering the wonderful, happy, comical times we had and that is warming my heart.
In time Patty, it will change. Oh, the sadness will still come. And you'll still cry when you least expect it, but joy will come. In time you will be able to embrace the precious past you had with her and find comfort in that.
This is a process for you that will take time and realize it's okay that you don't feel like doing whatever it is you think you should. It took me about nine months to clean out her room. I knew it was something I had to do. People would visit and I can only imagine what they thought of me! But I was not ready. I just could not put that part of her away. You'll be able to handle things in your own time, so please realize that and don't feel guilty. Let your feelings come - cry or whatever. It's all a part of your healing.
Just wanted you to know I understand and I hope the remainder of the week gets better for you.